You--Four Weeks, Five Days

This morning at breakfast (mine--you had like three between the hours of 5am and 10) I noticed  that you seemed so babyish.
Unlike so "newbornish."
You're changing literally every day and while I delight in all the subtle differences, I still yearn for that delicious bit of super new you.

And the truth is that even in one short month, you're not super new anymore.
We have a "way" together these days, patterns that are already familiar and expected.
I don't stare at you in curious awe like I did just a few weeks back; now I stare in order to catalogue and appreciate the new differences.
I was looking at your newborn photos the other day and then looking at you and thinking...damn, this goes so fast.

But you are simply a JOY!
I know I say this in every post but you're just so stinkin' good!
You've been on two "dates" so far--one to lunch where I nursed you the whole time and you slept and then a dinner where you slept in your carseat.
Getting out and around is not nearly as difficult as I had anticipated and I think most of that is due to your easy-going personality.
The rest is a combination of the "it is what it is" attitude that I have adopted where I expect EVERYTHING to be an ordeal and when it isn't, I'm pleasantly surprised and also the fact that Creux has really pulled his crazy insane self together and no longer makes me want to throw a bag in the car and drive non-stop to Arizona without looking back.

You've had a few rough nights and I wonder if we're in the midst of another growth spurt?
Earlier this week, I nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed you (that's FIVE nursings) in a three hour long marathon and finally got you to sleep but then you just snapped awake beside me.
And wanted to nurse.
I couldn't do it.
And I knew you weren't hungry--I was wondering at that point if you had a tummyache from OVER-eating.
I passed you off to Daddy, thinking if he just paced with you a bit that you'd fall asleep and all would be well.

I woke two hours later wondering where you two were.
I found you snuggled on the couch together, fast asleep.
It wasn't until the morning that he told me that you'd screamed for an hour and in desperation he finally went to the car where he knew there was an infant paci from the hospital (why did we have this?) and gave you that.
He said you gagged and spit it out repeatedly but finally realized you could suck it and that was all you needed to do.
I felt terrible about that.
I could have nursed you again but I was tired and touched out and just plain old didn't want to.
We don't do pacis--we do mama.
And that won't happen again.
I know sometimes you need to suck for comfort and I don't want to pass you off to a pacifier.
I just don't.

****I started this post 24 hours ago when I thought I could sneak 15 minutes or so alone.
And I can't.
I just can't.
Someone always interrupts me, needs me, wants me, just needs to SEE me, just needs to HEAR me, just wants to know WHAT AM I DOING IN THERE?
(The only place that I can get even a scrap of privacy is in the bathroom.  So I take my Netbook and sit on the rug and write to you.  It's not ideal and it's NOT comfortable and obviously it doesn't even work half the time.)

So, for the time being, I'm changing the format of this blog for you.
My posts will be shorter and more frequent.
I might not be able to find 15 minutes but I can find 5!

(Can't I?  Can't I find five?  Oh please let me find five minutes of pure quiet in this house where I can think private thoughts and write private words.  If I have to stick this request on my Christmas Wish List in order to get it, I'm moving out.)