BIG changes today.
And I can't really say when it happened, this afternoon maybe?
This morning?
But you dropped and you dropped waaaaay down.
By the time I was getting ready for my midwives appointment this evening I had figured it out.
And not so much because I could breathe easier (I really still can't) or even because I noticed that my shape was different.
It's because you're now pinching a nerve every time you shift around and it's excruciating.
When I was almost ready to leave, I felt you start to move and then I had the most awful nerve pain shooting down the entire length of the back of my right leg.
Sure, other babies have pinched me before but you nearly paralyzed me.
I started screaming.
SCREAMING.
There was nothing I could do and I couldn't move or walk and could barely even stand up.
Daddy just so happened to be in the room and I think he thought I was joking at first but then realized that I wasn't, I really was in agony.
Oh, it was terrible.
TERRIBLE!
And it started to happen again while we were out having dinner and I was so afraid I'd start screaming in public.
I didn't.
But I didn't feel great, either and thought I was going to be sick in the bathroom.
When we arrived at the midwives office, I had decided that I'd ask for an exam.
I'd been nauseated again today, and with you dropping down combined with a few other new signs of pre-labor that I won't list here because they're sort of gross in a girl way, I thought I'd feel better knowing where I stand.
During the first part of my checkup, they usually manipulate you to see how you're lying and when I laid down, I couldn't believe how flat the top half of my belly was! Last time when Jill measured me, she had the tape up under my ribcage and here Abby was sort of in the middle of my belly.
You measured 40cm last time, remember I was complaining how big you were?
Today you were at 35 cm!!!
THAT'S how far you've dropped into my pelvis!
When Abby was feeling you on the outside of my belly, she said she could only feel your chin--the rest of your head is buried in my bones :)
Doing the internal exam was a bit awkward, honestly.
But I'm not sure that sort of stuff is ever really comfortable for anyone.
And as soon as she felt you, her eyes popped open and she said, "WOW, this baby is really low! Are you sure you're not in labor?"
It freaked me out a little, if I'm honest.
I wasn't expecting her to say that.
I knew things had definitely changed but good grief, suddenly I was half expecting her to just yank you right out.
In terms of "stations" which is how doctors and midwives reference a baby's engagement, any negative number is considered a very high position--not engaged in the pelvis.
Zero station is equal to the pelvic bones
And plus stations are below the bones, heading for the big exit sign.
You are currently sitting at a plus 2, which means you're way in there.
At plus 5, you're crowning.
You could still wiggle back out but I really don't think you're going to.
It seems to me that we're really kind of getting ready for this!
Abby said my conditions were "ripe" for birth but that I do have some laboring to do still which makes me feel better.
Not like the second I go into labor, you're going to come flying out in ten minutes.
(Though you might as soon as I fully dilate!)
But she did say I'd likely do very little pushing at all.
Once we get clearance from my body that everything is ready, it shouldn't be difficult to get you into my arms.
And so...we wait and cross our fingers that this is the start of something and not that I'm just going to be carrying you super low like this with your head between my legs for another week.
Ahem.
I'm sort of superstitious that if I actually say when I think you'll come, that I'll automatically tack on three extra days past my due date.
But I don't think it will be long now.
And I hope it's not past this weekend.
I just need to take one day at a time and see what you decide to do.
Ready when you are, Baby!
Loving you already, Low-Rider :)
Mama
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
38 Weeks, 4 Days
I woke up this morning nauseated.
And then I cried through my shower.
It was not a good start to the day.
Why the tears?
Oh, just a slow, methodical coming apart of a woman is all.
My undoing.
Had someone walked in and demanded to know what I was upset over, I would have been too baffled myself to reply.
And in some really screwed up way, this made me happy!
This is my own little preparation for you, it's totally hormonally charged and for whatever reason, seems to be a necessary component to my ending my pregnancies.
I do not suffer from any sort of post-partum weirdness, thankfully.
My roller coaster ride typically ends with a delivery and from that point on, I'm on a high until I'm completely over-whelmed.
Should be about Day Three or My First Day Alone.
Both will be blog-worthy, trust me.
But even then, I'm so consumed with baby love that while it's hard to juggle, I juggle as mightily as I can and I still find many, many, many amazing moments in my days where I'm over-come with joy for my "job".
And your sweet baby sounds and smells and the heft of you in my arms will send me right on over the moon hourly.
So it's my birthday but not yours, huh?
Okay, fine, I get it.
You don't want to share.
Your daddy tried to make this easier for me last night, attempting to "reason" with me (as if! I'm ten months pregnant--THERE IS NO REASONING) by saying, "Do you really want every other birthday of yours to be centered around toys and kiddish cakes and someone else because it will NEVER be yours again, you know that right?"
And my response was, "YES, I WANT THAT!"
(I really might've yelled it even, just like that.)
He was just trying to let me down easy, I know.
But I sort of woke today with a small hope in my heart.
Which you promptly stomped out, so thanks for that! :)
Only kidding...it will be when it will be and I'm going to have to find the patience to allow you the freedom to choose your own birthdate.
But seriously?
Do you think maybe you could speed it up a bit?
Just a bit?
We've officially got nine days to go and I am definitely starting to swing crazily between A Good Day and A Very, Very Bad Day.
The Good Days are slowly going bye-bye so if we could just wrap this up soon, that'd be just FAB.
And please.
PLEASE.
Don't make me go past the 9th.
PLEASE!
I can and will hang on until then but I honestly do not know what will become of me if it's any later than that.
I've never been past 39 Weeks and 5 Days.
We're about a week out from that so you've gotta start getting less comfortable in there.
I wouldn't even be concerned about it at all, and I really don't think it's going to happen, but this is my first Hands-Off pregnancy and so, I don't know how it'll go.
What I mean by that is that I'm not being fussed with weekly at the doctor's office.
Those internal exams that I am skipping typically send me into contraction hell for awhile after and are possibly a trigger for my very revvy uterus to help my babies decide it's Eviction Time.
And, I've also at this point, typically undergone a fun little procedure called "membrane stripping" which I won't go into the details of but suffice it to say, it sort of tells you babies to beat it.
Since I've not done this with you...it's going to be interesting to see how you handle being left alone.
My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm on the fence as far as requesting an exam.
I will be 39 weeks on Friday and at this point, I'm usually right about 4-5 cm done.
Perhaps this knowledge would help me get through the next little while, if I asked and found it to be true at this time.
If it's not, I really might jump off a building.
But I do sort of want to just leave you alone.
I'm torn.
I suppose I'll just make my decision on the fly tomorrow when we get there.
A Good Day= privacy for you.
A Very, Very Bad Day= I need some numbers.
Tonight we changed the sheets on the bed to the labor and delivery ones.
There is now a crinkly, plastic tarp covering my mattress, underneath my mattress pad which I hope does not crinkle all night long or else I will be yanking everything, including your father, off the bed at my 4:15 Appointment to Pee and removing it, mattress be damned.
And I think, my dear Maybe Boy, that you have a name!
It's been churning and churning for awhile now, a third but sort of distant contender, nothing that has ever really jumped out at me but something kept in mind.
This morning at breakfast, we agreed to let the front-runner name go, the one I'd seen in the magazine yesterday.
Love it but...no.
It's officially gone and already it feels like the right decision.
We talked about the second one we liked, one we actually tossed around for Creux before deciding on Creux--I noticed that Daddy stuck this name back on the list the other day.
I was open to it and still sort of am.
But I had found and jotted down this other coolish name I came across weeks ago and at the time, we were still both digging nightly, covering our baby books as fast as we could so it was just one of about 15 names scrawled on a piece of paper, but today your Daddy said that he still liked it, that one in particular.
I've thought about it all day, trying it on for size...and I DO really like it, too.
It fits all requirements and goes well with your siblings names.
No one would be surprised that we picked it as it's..."us"?
I'm not 100% at this point, sort of hovering around 90.
Which is a good place to be "just in case."
I've got nothing for a middle but knowing what we are likely to choose for your first will hopefully make that job a snap for us.
Funny how a day can change everything, right?
(So, listen, if YOU want to impact a change then you just go right on ahead and impact away :))
Okay, that's enough for tonight.
It would seem that I have endless opportunities to make these last entries to you.
Stinker.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is STILL enormously pregnant, in case you needed one last reminder.)
And then I cried through my shower.
It was not a good start to the day.
Why the tears?
Oh, just a slow, methodical coming apart of a woman is all.
My undoing.
Had someone walked in and demanded to know what I was upset over, I would have been too baffled myself to reply.
And in some really screwed up way, this made me happy!
This is my own little preparation for you, it's totally hormonally charged and for whatever reason, seems to be a necessary component to my ending my pregnancies.
I do not suffer from any sort of post-partum weirdness, thankfully.
My roller coaster ride typically ends with a delivery and from that point on, I'm on a high until I'm completely over-whelmed.
Should be about Day Three or My First Day Alone.
Both will be blog-worthy, trust me.
But even then, I'm so consumed with baby love that while it's hard to juggle, I juggle as mightily as I can and I still find many, many, many amazing moments in my days where I'm over-come with joy for my "job".
And your sweet baby sounds and smells and the heft of you in my arms will send me right on over the moon hourly.
So it's my birthday but not yours, huh?
Okay, fine, I get it.
You don't want to share.
Your daddy tried to make this easier for me last night, attempting to "reason" with me (as if! I'm ten months pregnant--THERE IS NO REASONING) by saying, "Do you really want every other birthday of yours to be centered around toys and kiddish cakes and someone else because it will NEVER be yours again, you know that right?"
And my response was, "YES, I WANT THAT!"
(I really might've yelled it even, just like that.)
He was just trying to let me down easy, I know.
But I sort of woke today with a small hope in my heart.
Which you promptly stomped out, so thanks for that! :)
Only kidding...it will be when it will be and I'm going to have to find the patience to allow you the freedom to choose your own birthdate.
But seriously?
Do you think maybe you could speed it up a bit?
Just a bit?
We've officially got nine days to go and I am definitely starting to swing crazily between A Good Day and A Very, Very Bad Day.
The Good Days are slowly going bye-bye so if we could just wrap this up soon, that'd be just FAB.
And please.
PLEASE.
Don't make me go past the 9th.
PLEASE!
I can and will hang on until then but I honestly do not know what will become of me if it's any later than that.
I've never been past 39 Weeks and 5 Days.
We're about a week out from that so you've gotta start getting less comfortable in there.
I wouldn't even be concerned about it at all, and I really don't think it's going to happen, but this is my first Hands-Off pregnancy and so, I don't know how it'll go.
What I mean by that is that I'm not being fussed with weekly at the doctor's office.
Those internal exams that I am skipping typically send me into contraction hell for awhile after and are possibly a trigger for my very revvy uterus to help my babies decide it's Eviction Time.
And, I've also at this point, typically undergone a fun little procedure called "membrane stripping" which I won't go into the details of but suffice it to say, it sort of tells you babies to beat it.
Since I've not done this with you...it's going to be interesting to see how you handle being left alone.
My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm on the fence as far as requesting an exam.
I will be 39 weeks on Friday and at this point, I'm usually right about 4-5 cm done.
Perhaps this knowledge would help me get through the next little while, if I asked and found it to be true at this time.
If it's not, I really might jump off a building.
But I do sort of want to just leave you alone.
I'm torn.
I suppose I'll just make my decision on the fly tomorrow when we get there.
A Good Day= privacy for you.
A Very, Very Bad Day= I need some numbers.
Tonight we changed the sheets on the bed to the labor and delivery ones.
There is now a crinkly, plastic tarp covering my mattress, underneath my mattress pad which I hope does not crinkle all night long or else I will be yanking everything, including your father, off the bed at my 4:15 Appointment to Pee and removing it, mattress be damned.
And I think, my dear Maybe Boy, that you have a name!
It's been churning and churning for awhile now, a third but sort of distant contender, nothing that has ever really jumped out at me but something kept in mind.
This morning at breakfast, we agreed to let the front-runner name go, the one I'd seen in the magazine yesterday.
Love it but...no.
It's officially gone and already it feels like the right decision.
We talked about the second one we liked, one we actually tossed around for Creux before deciding on Creux--I noticed that Daddy stuck this name back on the list the other day.
I was open to it and still sort of am.
But I had found and jotted down this other coolish name I came across weeks ago and at the time, we were still both digging nightly, covering our baby books as fast as we could so it was just one of about 15 names scrawled on a piece of paper, but today your Daddy said that he still liked it, that one in particular.
I've thought about it all day, trying it on for size...and I DO really like it, too.
It fits all requirements and goes well with your siblings names.
No one would be surprised that we picked it as it's..."us"?
I'm not 100% at this point, sort of hovering around 90.
Which is a good place to be "just in case."
I've got nothing for a middle but knowing what we are likely to choose for your first will hopefully make that job a snap for us.
Funny how a day can change everything, right?
(So, listen, if YOU want to impact a change then you just go right on ahead and impact away :))
Okay, that's enough for tonight.
It would seem that I have endless opportunities to make these last entries to you.
Stinker.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is STILL enormously pregnant, in case you needed one last reminder.)
Monday, June 28, 2010
38 Weeks, 3 Days
So I had an interesting dream last night.
A "message from beyond," if you will.
And it came from my grandfather, strangely enough, my mother's dad.
He's been dead for years so this was really quite...odd to me.
I don't often converse with dead people in my dreams, even ones I loved.
And actually, it wasn't exactly a conversation...
I can't remember the setting of this dream or any of the details preceding his appearance.
But he came up to me and he said, "I know you think it's a boy, but it's not."
And then he started snickering.
You must understand, my grandfather was a snickerer.
And he was prone to jokes.
Downright ornery, he was--the coolest grandparent I've ever known.
He wasn't old and stuffy, rather the opposite.
I think, in fact, that he had more fun at my wedding than I did which is saying something.
Because my wedding was a par-tay, from what I can remember.
Sorry, losing my train of focus.
Anyway, he was a teaser and would often torment your Memaw's husband (my stepfather) at family dinners by saying things that he knew would drive him crazy.
(My stepfather was not known for his wildly intoxicating sense of humor and had buttons glaringly easy to push. And it's not that I disliked him--it was a complicated relationship for sure--but I definitely enjoyed those dinner moments more than anyone else. Well, other than my grandpa.)
Back to the dream--so he says that to me and walks away.
I don't respond.
And I am PISSED.
I call my mother.
(In my dream.)
"You won't BELIEVE what he just did! I've waited all this time not knowing my baby's gender and NOW he tells me, when I'm DAYS AWAY from finding out on my own, what I'm having? How could he do that to me!?!"
Her response was basically, "You sound surprised" and "I told you it was a girl all along."
Hmm.
Very peculiar, right?
Because I DO think you're a boy.
And I can't even take this dream as a divine message from grandpa-in-heaven because of that snicker.
Had he not snickered, I might be sitting here tonight now firm in my belief that a) people CAN send messages from beyond and b) you're a daughter for me.
But that laugh...it was almost intentionally confusing--but on who's part?
Did I conjure up this whole thing and then add in that snicker to confuse myself?
Or really, did I receive a message from an ornery old man who likes to play jokes and wanted to mess with me a little bit for the sake of his own entertainment?
(HIGHLY plausible.)
Puzzling, no?
So how about you just show yourself and clear it up for me? :)
I'm hanging in there.
Today brought, in addition to lugging your hefty weight around, some lovely back pain with my contractions.
And not like the regular old back ache of pregnancy but the kind that feels like my spine is being twisted as I breath through a contraction in complete stillness.
I hate moving during contractions.
The worst is when I'm driving or riding in the car and being jostled around.
At home, I go perfectly still and quiet.
Even now, I don't like to talk through them or do anything but attempt to relax myself.
I'm doing pretty good so far.
This is the easy part and like I said, I know I'm most likely doing quite a bit of the pre-work so that perspective helps me not to cave into my misery.
But I'll be honest.
I will start to cave soon.
There's only so many more nights I can go being so uncomfortable and so many more days spent sitting through contractions wishing they would just ratchet up and get the show on the road.
And maybe that's by design because usually when my labors do truly begin, I am grateful and almost looking forward to the pain because I'm so worn down from the weeks of waiting and wondering and the contracting, contracting, contracting.
Looking at what are labeled "prelabor" signs, indicating that labor could be just days away or weeks, I currently have 8 of the 11.
What does this mean?
Everything and nothing.
Just that I'm pretty well ready.
It's close but could still be awhile.
People are asking me, "When do you think?" and all I can say is that I don't feel there quite yet.
Usually I bottom-out, hit a massive wall of self-pity and impatience.
Creux was born on a Really Bad Day for me.
I remember distinctly, I was in a rotten mood all day long and had just woken from a nap and still felt...hopeless.
Like I couldn't go another minute.
And then I realized that my water had broken.
My heart soared, yes, because I knew then that I was going to meet my baby but in that first moment, all I could think was, "Thank God. It's over."
I don't feel this quite yet with you but I also still have a whole week and a half left.
Most likely by then, my sanity will be dangling precariously and I will be near crazed with Birth Longing.
And again, yes, to meet you, but also to end what I will come to believe to be my "sentence."
Tomorrow is my birthday but I don't think you're ready for it to be yours.
Maybe things will change in between now and then, who knows.
Anything is possible.
(Are you listening because I just said that outloud for your benefit.
No pressure but you'd be a GREAT gift!)
Absolutely still solid on your Maybe Girl name--no other contenders and none wanted.
Still floundering on your Maybe Boy though we did sort of seem to narrow it to two, no middle yet, then took a break over the weekend and then today I saw the one that's been hanging around in my head forever in a magazine.
A little boy shown smiling happily with his family.
Bearing your Maybe name.
Coming across it today is sort of significant as I was really kind of leaning towards it again.
(It's the one we like originally but have all along worried that it's too mainstream.
IT IS.)
So it's back to the drawing board :)
Loving you already,
Mama
A "message from beyond," if you will.
And it came from my grandfather, strangely enough, my mother's dad.
He's been dead for years so this was really quite...odd to me.
I don't often converse with dead people in my dreams, even ones I loved.
And actually, it wasn't exactly a conversation...
I can't remember the setting of this dream or any of the details preceding his appearance.
But he came up to me and he said, "I know you think it's a boy, but it's not."
And then he started snickering.
You must understand, my grandfather was a snickerer.
And he was prone to jokes.
Downright ornery, he was--the coolest grandparent I've ever known.
He wasn't old and stuffy, rather the opposite.
I think, in fact, that he had more fun at my wedding than I did which is saying something.
Because my wedding was a par-tay, from what I can remember.
Sorry, losing my train of focus.
Anyway, he was a teaser and would often torment your Memaw's husband (my stepfather) at family dinners by saying things that he knew would drive him crazy.
(My stepfather was not known for his wildly intoxicating sense of humor and had buttons glaringly easy to push. And it's not that I disliked him--it was a complicated relationship for sure--but I definitely enjoyed those dinner moments more than anyone else. Well, other than my grandpa.)
Back to the dream--so he says that to me and walks away.
I don't respond.
And I am PISSED.
I call my mother.
(In my dream.)
"You won't BELIEVE what he just did! I've waited all this time not knowing my baby's gender and NOW he tells me, when I'm DAYS AWAY from finding out on my own, what I'm having? How could he do that to me!?!"
Her response was basically, "You sound surprised" and "I told you it was a girl all along."
Hmm.
Very peculiar, right?
Because I DO think you're a boy.
And I can't even take this dream as a divine message from grandpa-in-heaven because of that snicker.
Had he not snickered, I might be sitting here tonight now firm in my belief that a) people CAN send messages from beyond and b) you're a daughter for me.
But that laugh...it was almost intentionally confusing--but on who's part?
Did I conjure up this whole thing and then add in that snicker to confuse myself?
Or really, did I receive a message from an ornery old man who likes to play jokes and wanted to mess with me a little bit for the sake of his own entertainment?
(HIGHLY plausible.)
Puzzling, no?
So how about you just show yourself and clear it up for me? :)
I'm hanging in there.
Today brought, in addition to lugging your hefty weight around, some lovely back pain with my contractions.
And not like the regular old back ache of pregnancy but the kind that feels like my spine is being twisted as I breath through a contraction in complete stillness.
I hate moving during contractions.
The worst is when I'm driving or riding in the car and being jostled around.
At home, I go perfectly still and quiet.
Even now, I don't like to talk through them or do anything but attempt to relax myself.
I'm doing pretty good so far.
This is the easy part and like I said, I know I'm most likely doing quite a bit of the pre-work so that perspective helps me not to cave into my misery.
But I'll be honest.
I will start to cave soon.
There's only so many more nights I can go being so uncomfortable and so many more days spent sitting through contractions wishing they would just ratchet up and get the show on the road.
And maybe that's by design because usually when my labors do truly begin, I am grateful and almost looking forward to the pain because I'm so worn down from the weeks of waiting and wondering and the contracting, contracting, contracting.
Looking at what are labeled "prelabor" signs, indicating that labor could be just days away or weeks, I currently have 8 of the 11.
What does this mean?
Everything and nothing.
Just that I'm pretty well ready.
It's close but could still be awhile.
People are asking me, "When do you think?" and all I can say is that I don't feel there quite yet.
Usually I bottom-out, hit a massive wall of self-pity and impatience.
Creux was born on a Really Bad Day for me.
I remember distinctly, I was in a rotten mood all day long and had just woken from a nap and still felt...hopeless.
Like I couldn't go another minute.
And then I realized that my water had broken.
My heart soared, yes, because I knew then that I was going to meet my baby but in that first moment, all I could think was, "Thank God. It's over."
I don't feel this quite yet with you but I also still have a whole week and a half left.
Most likely by then, my sanity will be dangling precariously and I will be near crazed with Birth Longing.
And again, yes, to meet you, but also to end what I will come to believe to be my "sentence."
Tomorrow is my birthday but I don't think you're ready for it to be yours.
Maybe things will change in between now and then, who knows.
Anything is possible.
(Are you listening because I just said that outloud for your benefit.
No pressure but you'd be a GREAT gift!)
Absolutely still solid on your Maybe Girl name--no other contenders and none wanted.
Still floundering on your Maybe Boy though we did sort of seem to narrow it to two, no middle yet, then took a break over the weekend and then today I saw the one that's been hanging around in my head forever in a magazine.
A little boy shown smiling happily with his family.
Bearing your Maybe name.
Coming across it today is sort of significant as I was really kind of leaning towards it again.
(It's the one we like originally but have all along worried that it's too mainstream.
IT IS.)
So it's back to the drawing board :)
Loving you already,
Mama
Sunday, June 27, 2010
38 Weeks, 2 Days
We were up late together last night.
I was having contractions for hours again and I stayed up until almost 2:00, just to make sure they weren't the real thing.
One of my biggest fears is ignoring those and going to sleep, figuring, as I've done in the past TWICE, that they're just those Braxton Hicks contractions and not the start of labor.
I do not like my eyes snapping open at 4:30 in the morning and realizing that what I'd been feeling earlier, when I curled up in bed and went to sleep, was actually the very beginning of someone's birth.
I don't think we have the precious time to waste, honestly.
I think if I miss it like that with you, I just might be having you on my own and it won't matter a bit even if I planned to go to a hospital because there'd be no way I'd have made it anyway.
Let's not do that.
My hope for us is that my water breaks, which it's only done once in all four of my pregnancies.
That will be an absolutely positive sign of your immediately impending birth so there will be no question in the matter, "to call or not to call", and it will also give me just a bit of time to gather my wits about me.
If I wake in the middle of the night with your coming, I won't be able to do much of anything so it's sort of important that everything is ready, even the state of the house, before we turn in at night.
If your births go as the others have and I do just wake up in the middle of my labor, I will be incredibly sick and will barely be able to shower and dress.
Interestingly, fear in not present in my memories of these times because I am so consumed with what I'm feeling because it's not good and it takes everything I have to just focus on the small tasks at hand.
This is strangely comforting to me now, to know that I probably won't care WHO or WHERE I'm delivering you because when it starts, I will probably be lost in my own private hell already.
Everything that everybody planning to be at your birth needs to know, they need to know now.
And there's a section in my medical file called "special notes" where I am to put down anything I want the midwives to do or not do during your birth because I probably won't be talking to anyone.
(I haven't filled this out yet.)
I've been sort of preparing Daddy here and there with these small things and I'm confident that Emily, who will be here for your siblings, can completely handle the day without my hovering, taking good care of everyone so that my thoughts will not stray from doing my job upstairs with you.
Because I do know this: I am confident that I can do this.
But I am also confident that it will go to hell in a handbasket ASAP if I break my concentration.
I remember with Greer, when I arrived at the hospital at 8cm done, in complete agony (being transferred during that hard, hard labor is AWFUL) and I held it together until we arrived there.
As soon as I knew there was "help", I made a conscious decision to abandon the intense internal focus that I had and to rely on them to get me through.
I could have done it on my own, without medication, and had I waited just a bit longer, 45 minutes!, I would have.
So I know I can do this.
But I really need to let everything go in order to hang tough and that's hard for me.
Maybe it won't be as hard as I think because I simply know not to break my stride once I have it.
Anyway, there's all that to say that I would like our labor to begin by my water breaking and I would like this to happen in the early afternoon.
Like I can pick, right? :)
It's just that the night seems scarier to me--and here now, it's dark and stormy.
And my contractions just keep coming and I know we're getting closer.
Plus, I had a small, private, hormonal meltdown in the shower last night.
Well, you know, because you were there.
That's pre-labor for me, too.
The only thing missing yet, the step not yet presented, should be one giant round of false labor.
Usually, I have one up-all-night, sick as can be, hours and hours of laboring alone in the dark downstairs while my family slumbers, waiting for the contractions to move closer so that I can confirm the true beginning of something.
And usually, they hit about five minutes apart, strong as can be, for EONS and then...they'll stop.
I will be exhausted and defeated at the end, vowing never, EVER to get pregnant again and put myself through such misery.
I will sleep all day and Daddy will stay home from work in order to let me.
But on the heels of this normally is my real labor.
I just have never known it beforehand like I do now.
(I took notes last time :))
(But also, I should add here that the rounds of false labor always coincide with an internal exam, of which I have had none and am not sure if I plan to on Wednesday.)
It'll be interesting to see how this plays out for the two of us.
Loving you already,
Mama
I was having contractions for hours again and I stayed up until almost 2:00, just to make sure they weren't the real thing.
One of my biggest fears is ignoring those and going to sleep, figuring, as I've done in the past TWICE, that they're just those Braxton Hicks contractions and not the start of labor.
I do not like my eyes snapping open at 4:30 in the morning and realizing that what I'd been feeling earlier, when I curled up in bed and went to sleep, was actually the very beginning of someone's birth.
I don't think we have the precious time to waste, honestly.
I think if I miss it like that with you, I just might be having you on my own and it won't matter a bit even if I planned to go to a hospital because there'd be no way I'd have made it anyway.
Let's not do that.
My hope for us is that my water breaks, which it's only done once in all four of my pregnancies.
That will be an absolutely positive sign of your immediately impending birth so there will be no question in the matter, "to call or not to call", and it will also give me just a bit of time to gather my wits about me.
If I wake in the middle of the night with your coming, I won't be able to do much of anything so it's sort of important that everything is ready, even the state of the house, before we turn in at night.
If your births go as the others have and I do just wake up in the middle of my labor, I will be incredibly sick and will barely be able to shower and dress.
Interestingly, fear in not present in my memories of these times because I am so consumed with what I'm feeling because it's not good and it takes everything I have to just focus on the small tasks at hand.
This is strangely comforting to me now, to know that I probably won't care WHO or WHERE I'm delivering you because when it starts, I will probably be lost in my own private hell already.
Everything that everybody planning to be at your birth needs to know, they need to know now.
And there's a section in my medical file called "special notes" where I am to put down anything I want the midwives to do or not do during your birth because I probably won't be talking to anyone.
(I haven't filled this out yet.)
I've been sort of preparing Daddy here and there with these small things and I'm confident that Emily, who will be here for your siblings, can completely handle the day without my hovering, taking good care of everyone so that my thoughts will not stray from doing my job upstairs with you.
Because I do know this: I am confident that I can do this.
But I am also confident that it will go to hell in a handbasket ASAP if I break my concentration.
I remember with Greer, when I arrived at the hospital at 8cm done, in complete agony (being transferred during that hard, hard labor is AWFUL) and I held it together until we arrived there.
As soon as I knew there was "help", I made a conscious decision to abandon the intense internal focus that I had and to rely on them to get me through.
I could have done it on my own, without medication, and had I waited just a bit longer, 45 minutes!, I would have.
So I know I can do this.
But I really need to let everything go in order to hang tough and that's hard for me.
Maybe it won't be as hard as I think because I simply know not to break my stride once I have it.
Anyway, there's all that to say that I would like our labor to begin by my water breaking and I would like this to happen in the early afternoon.
Like I can pick, right? :)
It's just that the night seems scarier to me--and here now, it's dark and stormy.
And my contractions just keep coming and I know we're getting closer.
Plus, I had a small, private, hormonal meltdown in the shower last night.
Well, you know, because you were there.
That's pre-labor for me, too.
The only thing missing yet, the step not yet presented, should be one giant round of false labor.
Usually, I have one up-all-night, sick as can be, hours and hours of laboring alone in the dark downstairs while my family slumbers, waiting for the contractions to move closer so that I can confirm the true beginning of something.
And usually, they hit about five minutes apart, strong as can be, for EONS and then...they'll stop.
I will be exhausted and defeated at the end, vowing never, EVER to get pregnant again and put myself through such misery.
I will sleep all day and Daddy will stay home from work in order to let me.
But on the heels of this normally is my real labor.
I just have never known it beforehand like I do now.
(I took notes last time :))
(But also, I should add here that the rounds of false labor always coincide with an internal exam, of which I have had none and am not sure if I plan to on Wednesday.)
It'll be interesting to see how this plays out for the two of us.
Loving you already,
Mama
Saturday, June 26, 2010
38 Weeks, 1 Day
What is it with these Saturday funks?
I seem to make it through the week okay and then whammo!, I start coming apart on Saturday.
Daddy offered to start the closets today which I really, really want done and I know now that I've probably squandered the chance for a long, long time but I couldn't face a day on my own with your brother, the house, life in general.
We were even down three kids all day long and yet I still couldn't do it.
Instead we stupidly killed the day doing basically nothing of importance and STILL I'm funkified.
Tonight is not a good night for your birthday, despite the full moon hanging in the sky.
It's stormy and I choose not to give birth in stormy weather so we're just going to hold out, mkay?
Stormy weather is not comforting when considering something as major as delivering a baby at home and tonight I feel like just snuggling down in my bed, anyway.
I looked that up, by the way.
The whole "full moon" thing.
I was curious what Google would say about that--certainly I've spent my life hearing about things being blamed on that fabulous moon and never really wondered why.
But I can tell you now...
Humans are 80% water.
The moon pulls the tides in the oceans and even controls currents in rivers so the school of thought there is that it also affects a woman's bag of amniotic fluid in much the same manner when she is very near her due date.
There are a statistical high number of births in the three days surrounding a full moon and so goes the thinking that the full moon's gravitational pull is strong enough to encourage the snapping of the "bulging" bag of amniotic fluid in some pregnant mamas, thereby beginning her labor.
Interesting, eh?
Do I believe it?
I believe a little of a lot of things and am open-minded in that way.
I believe we are intrinsically connected to our environment in ways that we can't necessarily explain so yes, I think it's plausible.
But I don't think you're coming tonight.
Maybe if I were closer to my due date...
You've been strangely quiet the past two days and part of me is hopeful that you're conserving energy because we're close to your birth.
I know you're okay because when I realize it's been awhile since I've heard from you, I prod your body with my hand and you wake up almost instantly and squirm away.
It's a crazy thing, that ability--to wake you, my snoozing fetus, when I want to, just as I will be able to when you're on the outside of my body.
It's just a very surreal thing, how human you are and yet, still in the dark, underwater, upside-down, relying on me to keep you alive.
I'm having awful contractions, stronger and longer than they were a few days ago.
It gives me a chance to practice relaxing through them though which is good for me because what I keep reading is that fear and tension will make everything feel a bazillion times worse.
But really, and what I've known all along, is that if I just listen to my body and do what I feel is instinctually helpful, then I'll be better off.
I don't know that I'll be fine but I'll be better off.
I'm tired tonight, heading to bed and hoping for a more "normal" day tomorrow.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is somewhat afraid that you might just be undergoing another growth spurt which would account for my case of the blahs and your being so...lazy in there. Oh, please, NO!)
I seem to make it through the week okay and then whammo!, I start coming apart on Saturday.
Daddy offered to start the closets today which I really, really want done and I know now that I've probably squandered the chance for a long, long time but I couldn't face a day on my own with your brother, the house, life in general.
We were even down three kids all day long and yet I still couldn't do it.
Instead we stupidly killed the day doing basically nothing of importance and STILL I'm funkified.
Tonight is not a good night for your birthday, despite the full moon hanging in the sky.
It's stormy and I choose not to give birth in stormy weather so we're just going to hold out, mkay?
Stormy weather is not comforting when considering something as major as delivering a baby at home and tonight I feel like just snuggling down in my bed, anyway.
I looked that up, by the way.
The whole "full moon" thing.
I was curious what Google would say about that--certainly I've spent my life hearing about things being blamed on that fabulous moon and never really wondered why.
But I can tell you now...
Humans are 80% water.
The moon pulls the tides in the oceans and even controls currents in rivers so the school of thought there is that it also affects a woman's bag of amniotic fluid in much the same manner when she is very near her due date.
There are a statistical high number of births in the three days surrounding a full moon and so goes the thinking that the full moon's gravitational pull is strong enough to encourage the snapping of the "bulging" bag of amniotic fluid in some pregnant mamas, thereby beginning her labor.
Interesting, eh?
Do I believe it?
I believe a little of a lot of things and am open-minded in that way.
I believe we are intrinsically connected to our environment in ways that we can't necessarily explain so yes, I think it's plausible.
But I don't think you're coming tonight.
Maybe if I were closer to my due date...
You've been strangely quiet the past two days and part of me is hopeful that you're conserving energy because we're close to your birth.
I know you're okay because when I realize it's been awhile since I've heard from you, I prod your body with my hand and you wake up almost instantly and squirm away.
It's a crazy thing, that ability--to wake you, my snoozing fetus, when I want to, just as I will be able to when you're on the outside of my body.
It's just a very surreal thing, how human you are and yet, still in the dark, underwater, upside-down, relying on me to keep you alive.
I'm having awful contractions, stronger and longer than they were a few days ago.
It gives me a chance to practice relaxing through them though which is good for me because what I keep reading is that fear and tension will make everything feel a bazillion times worse.
But really, and what I've known all along, is that if I just listen to my body and do what I feel is instinctually helpful, then I'll be better off.
I don't know that I'll be fine but I'll be better off.
I'm tired tonight, heading to bed and hoping for a more "normal" day tomorrow.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is somewhat afraid that you might just be undergoing another growth spurt which would account for my case of the blahs and your being so...lazy in there. Oh, please, NO!)
Thursday, June 24, 2010
37 Weeks, 6 Days
Am freshly highlighted and cut.
You are officially welcome here :)
Been having contractions since about 5pm, a couple an hour.
Nothing to get excited about, just me doing the footwork.
At the same time...I'm excited to be doing this footwork!
I know these are working contractions and that with each day that passes this way, we'll be a step closer to each other.
I've spent the last couple of weeks really trying to prepare myself for the upcoming event and I have to say...
I feel at peace these days.
I'm tired tonight, have been running all day long.
Looking forward to a nice, long, mama break when you say the word.
Am ready for a few days snuggled in bed.
With you.
Loving you already,
Mama
You are officially welcome here :)
Been having contractions since about 5pm, a couple an hour.
Nothing to get excited about, just me doing the footwork.
At the same time...I'm excited to be doing this footwork!
I know these are working contractions and that with each day that passes this way, we'll be a step closer to each other.
I've spent the last couple of weeks really trying to prepare myself for the upcoming event and I have to say...
I feel at peace these days.
I'm tired tonight, have been running all day long.
Looking forward to a nice, long, mama break when you say the word.
Am ready for a few days snuggled in bed.
With you.
Loving you already,
Mama
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
37 Weeks, 5 Days
Good news!
You turned and are now back to facing the right way!
You're laying sideways, with your wee little bottom sticking out on the right side of my body.
This is a perfect position as hopefully when labor begins, you'll just maneuver slightly and be facing down.
Like you're supposed to be.
Like in a way that won't make me want to knock myself out with that frying pan stashed under my bed.
Obviously we had our check-up tonight with the midwives and I went in there and tattled mericlessly on you.
"I can't sleep, there's so much pressure, I have heartburn, the baby is stabbing me with contraband scissors, I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I HAVE CANKLES!"
Just ten days ago, I saw them here at our house for our home visit.
And I was still faring pretty well.
But so much has changed for me in those ten days and today I whipped out my laundry list of ailments.
I mentioned to them this stabbing thing you're doing.
"There's so much pressure and then I get this really painful jab that literally makes me yelp outloud."
(Really, it does. I feel like a moron gasping or yelping spontaneously in public but I can't help it. I know you have scissors in there.)
"In your cervix?" they both asked at the same time.
"Yes!" I shouted. "WHAT IS THAT???"
"It's the baby opening your cervix, burrowing in there, banging its head against you."
They failed to mention the scissors that you've somehow come across but apparently it's just you trying to find the exit door.
You're looking in the right place, by the way.
Just look a little less...viciously, please.
I was really happy to hear that you'd moved--it was a big relief to me.
They are encouraging me to keep making you squashed so that you don't turn back because it's possible that you'll twist over again.
We need you to just chill in there for now.
We were also talking about all the pressure I sometimes feel from you and they were saying with first time babies, they usually drop into the pelvis within a month to a few weeks from birth.
With subsequent babies, they usually don't drop until just before or at the start of labor but can move in and out of the pelvis easily.
This would explain why sometimes you're so low and heavy I can barely walk and that's not an understatement.
When you are lodged in my pelvis, I just sort of drag around.
But then later, I can move more freely.
It really sort of does make me appreciate that you don't drop down there and stay down there.
I'd been in REAL trouble if you did because you are heavy.
Do you want to know how heavy you are?
Listen here, you little pork chop.
Ten days ago, when I was at 36 weeks, you measured right about there--close to 37.
Right now, I am approaching 38 weeks and you're measurement should reflect that.
You rang in at 40!!!
No friggin wonder I couldn't get out of bed on Saturday and why I feel so different and big and draggy and heavy!
You're HUGE!
I feel like you've grown from yesterday to today and I feel like that every day right now!
You're probably going to be my biggest baby yet, especially if we make it to our due date.
My guess is you're a good seven pounds right now and we still could have two or more weeks of growth.
GAH!
Listen, I was not built for birthing big babies so you're going to have to lay off the Haagen Daz or whatever you managed to get ahold of along with those scissors that I KNOW you have in there.
I punched Daddy in the arm on the way to the car and berated him for his part in your weight issues.
MY genes make long, skinny babies.
HIS genes make butterballs.
Ornery butterballs.
I already know what you're going to look like, just from hearing how big you are.
You will have a mass of dark hair, a squished up face, the most EDIBLE newborny fat rolls, bunched up fists and a penis.
You will look like a tiny, pissed off boxer.
And lucky for you, I LOVE that look :)
Thank you for being such a good baby and for rolling over like you were asked and for letting me get my hair done tomorrow as requested.
Keep up the good work because I have another request.
(It's actually sort of a demand, phrased as a request--something I'm quite skilled at doing.)
There's a full moon on Saturday and I think that would be a wonderful birthday for you.
But I'm still sort of partial to Tuesday, the 29th.
That's MY day and I'd love to share it with you.
SO...since you've hijacked all of the available space in my body and can't grow much bigger anyway (you're just getting fatter at this point, like a Thanksgiving turkey), why not one of those two days?
Think about it.
And put down the scissors.
AND the Haagen Daz.
(I don't even have to ask to know it's something like Chocolate Chocolate Chunk. I'm right, aren't I, you little piglet?)
Loving you already,
Mama
You turned and are now back to facing the right way!
You're laying sideways, with your wee little bottom sticking out on the right side of my body.
This is a perfect position as hopefully when labor begins, you'll just maneuver slightly and be facing down.
Like you're supposed to be.
Like in a way that won't make me want to knock myself out with that frying pan stashed under my bed.
Obviously we had our check-up tonight with the midwives and I went in there and tattled mericlessly on you.
"I can't sleep, there's so much pressure, I have heartburn, the baby is stabbing me with contraband scissors, I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I HAVE CANKLES!"
Just ten days ago, I saw them here at our house for our home visit.
And I was still faring pretty well.
But so much has changed for me in those ten days and today I whipped out my laundry list of ailments.
I mentioned to them this stabbing thing you're doing.
"There's so much pressure and then I get this really painful jab that literally makes me yelp outloud."
(Really, it does. I feel like a moron gasping or yelping spontaneously in public but I can't help it. I know you have scissors in there.)
"In your cervix?" they both asked at the same time.
"Yes!" I shouted. "WHAT IS THAT???"
"It's the baby opening your cervix, burrowing in there, banging its head against you."
They failed to mention the scissors that you've somehow come across but apparently it's just you trying to find the exit door.
You're looking in the right place, by the way.
Just look a little less...viciously, please.
I was really happy to hear that you'd moved--it was a big relief to me.
They are encouraging me to keep making you squashed so that you don't turn back because it's possible that you'll twist over again.
We need you to just chill in there for now.
We were also talking about all the pressure I sometimes feel from you and they were saying with first time babies, they usually drop into the pelvis within a month to a few weeks from birth.
With subsequent babies, they usually don't drop until just before or at the start of labor but can move in and out of the pelvis easily.
This would explain why sometimes you're so low and heavy I can barely walk and that's not an understatement.
When you are lodged in my pelvis, I just sort of drag around.
But then later, I can move more freely.
It really sort of does make me appreciate that you don't drop down there and stay down there.
I'd been in REAL trouble if you did because you are heavy.
Do you want to know how heavy you are?
Listen here, you little pork chop.
Ten days ago, when I was at 36 weeks, you measured right about there--close to 37.
Right now, I am approaching 38 weeks and you're measurement should reflect that.
You rang in at 40!!!
No friggin wonder I couldn't get out of bed on Saturday and why I feel so different and big and draggy and heavy!
You're HUGE!
I feel like you've grown from yesterday to today and I feel like that every day right now!
You're probably going to be my biggest baby yet, especially if we make it to our due date.
My guess is you're a good seven pounds right now and we still could have two or more weeks of growth.
GAH!
Listen, I was not built for birthing big babies so you're going to have to lay off the Haagen Daz or whatever you managed to get ahold of along with those scissors that I KNOW you have in there.
I punched Daddy in the arm on the way to the car and berated him for his part in your weight issues.
MY genes make long, skinny babies.
HIS genes make butterballs.
Ornery butterballs.
I already know what you're going to look like, just from hearing how big you are.
You will have a mass of dark hair, a squished up face, the most EDIBLE newborny fat rolls, bunched up fists and a penis.
You will look like a tiny, pissed off boxer.
And lucky for you, I LOVE that look :)
Thank you for being such a good baby and for rolling over like you were asked and for letting me get my hair done tomorrow as requested.
Keep up the good work because I have another request.
(It's actually sort of a demand, phrased as a request--something I'm quite skilled at doing.)
There's a full moon on Saturday and I think that would be a wonderful birthday for you.
But I'm still sort of partial to Tuesday, the 29th.
That's MY day and I'd love to share it with you.
SO...since you've hijacked all of the available space in my body and can't grow much bigger anyway (you're just getting fatter at this point, like a Thanksgiving turkey), why not one of those two days?
Think about it.
And put down the scissors.
AND the Haagen Daz.
(I don't even have to ask to know it's something like Chocolate Chocolate Chunk. I'm right, aren't I, you little piglet?)
Loving you already,
Mama
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
37 Weeks, 4 Days
Charles Pavey II
Rhyse Manning
Greer Addison
Creux Calloway
YOUR NAME HERE
Who are you?
WHO ARE YOU???
(Making slight progress on your Maybe Boy name. Slight. But we're getting closer, I can feel it. Hoping to unearth most fantastic fit for you here VERY soon because last night I found myself timing contractions at seven minutes out for over an hour and all I could think about was your Maybe Boy non-name!)
Loving you already,
Mama (who is using nap time to dig, dig, dig for super cool something to call you!)
Rhyse Manning
Greer Addison
Creux Calloway
YOUR NAME HERE
Who are you?
WHO ARE YOU???
(Making slight progress on your Maybe Boy name. Slight. But we're getting closer, I can feel it. Hoping to unearth most fantastic fit for you here VERY soon because last night I found myself timing contractions at seven minutes out for over an hour and all I could think about was your Maybe Boy non-name!)
Loving you already,
Mama (who is using nap time to dig, dig, dig for super cool something to call you!)
Monday, June 21, 2010
37 Weeks, 3 Days
False alarm, sorry.
Apparently just peed on myself :)
I don't think the paper that we got worked anyway but it became clear to me as the night went on that I wasn't leaking.
We're doing okay today.
You're still pinching me though and now messing with the nerve that goes down the back of my leg.
Seriously.
Whenever you're ready.
Thursday, after 7:00.
XO
Loving you already,
Mama
Apparently just peed on myself :)
I don't think the paper that we got worked anyway but it became clear to me as the night went on that I wasn't leaking.
We're doing okay today.
You're still pinching me though and now messing with the nerve that goes down the back of my leg.
Seriously.
Whenever you're ready.
Thursday, after 7:00.
XO
Loving you already,
Mama
Sunday, June 20, 2010
37 Weeks, 2 Days
And this is where it gets tricky.
I might be leaking fluid, I can't tell.
And ironically, for the first time ever, I was HANDED litmus paper so that I could be sure to test myself when in doubt.
And also ironically, I lost it.
I don't know how.
It was in my medical folder (which is in my possession, also for the first time ever) and now it's not there.
It looked like a simple stick of gum, which is why it probably isn't there anymore.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit if someone had opened my folder (it's lying on my night-table for easy access, right by the damn phone) and made off with the "gum."
I think we're probably fine and was really quite leaning toward just a "wait and see" approach but your Dad insisted on heading to Meijer to see if he could rummage up more litmus paper.
I've had another hard day with you but not quite as bad as yesterday.
Actually no where as bad, to be honest as I was at least out of the bed and communicating with my family.
You are just applying so much pressure down on my pelvic floor that I'm really having trouble getting around.
We were running errands today and I was struggling so much that Daddy looked at me and said, "You may have less time than you think."
Which maybe I do.
Or maybe this is just the way the next 19 days or so are going to go.
It's always questionable at this point, every series of contractions, every twinge of weirdness that could signal the start of labor, every weird drop of wetness that is probably pee but could be amniotic fluid.
That's how it happened with Creux, after all.
Just a bit of wetness, so slight that at first I thought nothing of it.
And then it became clear as the hour went on--I wasn't peeing on myself from baby pressure, I was really and truly leaking fluid!
I think things are probably fine with us right now but Daddy wants to have what we need in case we're not fine in like two hours.
And really, it would be quite stupid for me to NOT check, what with you being my 5th and all.
We need all the heads-up we can get.
I know I said that I didn't think you were coming this week but things are changing so much for me on a daily basis right now.
Two days ago, I was in a much different place than I am now.
I wasn't so uncomfortable, and I don't think you were so low lying.
Now I'm a little more on edge because...well, I'm in my window and things are progressing for sure.
I've had babies ranging from 37 weeks to 39 so it wouldn't necessarily be a stretch for you to come now.
But I just really sort of have it in my head that because the last two were just two days away from their due date that you will be that way as well.
I, however, know nothing for sure.
And neither does anyone else.
I remember having my 37 week check-up with Chas ON THE DAY I turned 37 weeks and I was complaining of contractions.
The doctor checked me, told me I was only dialated to 2 cm and that "it would be at least 10 days."
I went into labor that night and was holding my baby less than 24 hours later.
So I'm feeling good right now, feeling fine, having mild contractions but nothing alarming.
I don't think this is it but we'll know for sure here in just a bit.
If it is, I'm ready.
And if not, I'm still ready.
The only thing missing IS YOUR NAME!
And the damn litmus paper :)
We made a mold of you today for Father's Day.
After spending the afternoon with me barely making it through Costco, we decided to not waste any time on making that mold just in case you decided to come before the next weekend arrives.
The mold is beautiful.
I see it now and I'm in awe that it's me and it's you.
I can't imagine what it will be like years from now, when pregnancies are just a distant memory for me, to be able to touch and feel that big belly and think...what a miracle.
I'm so happy we did this, that I have this amazing keepsake of you.
You may be the fifth baby coming along and there are definitely going to be some drawbacks to that but I have to tell you this: no one else, not even Chas, has what you have and will continue to have.
No special words from me, no amazingly amazing pregnancy mementos like what we did today.
Everyone has a smattering of photos, of course, but your life will be incredibly documented, and has been right from the beginning.
It's one gift that I am able to give you that is just for you and that you'll be able to say, when the others are teasing you about whatever they will tease you about, "Well, at least Mom wrote me a BOOK!"
You go ahead and say it, darling.
Because I want you to feel pride in that and to know that I'm so happy to create these sort of "living" keepsakes for you.
It is, has been, and will be my absolute pleasure for now and for always.
Now I better go do some "just in case" stuff and should (when) you are set to make your arrival, I will be here as much as I can, writing for you along the way.
I may not get much down if it goes quickly but I'm trying to stay in touch as much as possible so that, when it is time, you will be able to read my thoughts and emotions via my words in "real time."
I've come this far with the journaling and want to finish it the way I started: in it all the way.
Loving you already,
Mama (who, if I am not going to be delivering you this evening, would REALLY like a bit of sleep.)
I might be leaking fluid, I can't tell.
And ironically, for the first time ever, I was HANDED litmus paper so that I could be sure to test myself when in doubt.
And also ironically, I lost it.
I don't know how.
It was in my medical folder (which is in my possession, also for the first time ever) and now it's not there.
It looked like a simple stick of gum, which is why it probably isn't there anymore.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit if someone had opened my folder (it's lying on my night-table for easy access, right by the damn phone) and made off with the "gum."
I think we're probably fine and was really quite leaning toward just a "wait and see" approach but your Dad insisted on heading to Meijer to see if he could rummage up more litmus paper.
I've had another hard day with you but not quite as bad as yesterday.
Actually no where as bad, to be honest as I was at least out of the bed and communicating with my family.
You are just applying so much pressure down on my pelvic floor that I'm really having trouble getting around.
We were running errands today and I was struggling so much that Daddy looked at me and said, "You may have less time than you think."
Which maybe I do.
Or maybe this is just the way the next 19 days or so are going to go.
It's always questionable at this point, every series of contractions, every twinge of weirdness that could signal the start of labor, every weird drop of wetness that is probably pee but could be amniotic fluid.
That's how it happened with Creux, after all.
Just a bit of wetness, so slight that at first I thought nothing of it.
And then it became clear as the hour went on--I wasn't peeing on myself from baby pressure, I was really and truly leaking fluid!
I think things are probably fine with us right now but Daddy wants to have what we need in case we're not fine in like two hours.
And really, it would be quite stupid for me to NOT check, what with you being my 5th and all.
We need all the heads-up we can get.
I know I said that I didn't think you were coming this week but things are changing so much for me on a daily basis right now.
Two days ago, I was in a much different place than I am now.
I wasn't so uncomfortable, and I don't think you were so low lying.
Now I'm a little more on edge because...well, I'm in my window and things are progressing for sure.
I've had babies ranging from 37 weeks to 39 so it wouldn't necessarily be a stretch for you to come now.
But I just really sort of have it in my head that because the last two were just two days away from their due date that you will be that way as well.
I, however, know nothing for sure.
And neither does anyone else.
I remember having my 37 week check-up with Chas ON THE DAY I turned 37 weeks and I was complaining of contractions.
The doctor checked me, told me I was only dialated to 2 cm and that "it would be at least 10 days."
I went into labor that night and was holding my baby less than 24 hours later.
So I'm feeling good right now, feeling fine, having mild contractions but nothing alarming.
I don't think this is it but we'll know for sure here in just a bit.
If it is, I'm ready.
And if not, I'm still ready.
The only thing missing IS YOUR NAME!
And the damn litmus paper :)
We made a mold of you today for Father's Day.
After spending the afternoon with me barely making it through Costco, we decided to not waste any time on making that mold just in case you decided to come before the next weekend arrives.
The mold is beautiful.
I see it now and I'm in awe that it's me and it's you.
I can't imagine what it will be like years from now, when pregnancies are just a distant memory for me, to be able to touch and feel that big belly and think...what a miracle.
I'm so happy we did this, that I have this amazing keepsake of you.
You may be the fifth baby coming along and there are definitely going to be some drawbacks to that but I have to tell you this: no one else, not even Chas, has what you have and will continue to have.
No special words from me, no amazingly amazing pregnancy mementos like what we did today.
Everyone has a smattering of photos, of course, but your life will be incredibly documented, and has been right from the beginning.
It's one gift that I am able to give you that is just for you and that you'll be able to say, when the others are teasing you about whatever they will tease you about, "Well, at least Mom wrote me a BOOK!"
You go ahead and say it, darling.
Because I want you to feel pride in that and to know that I'm so happy to create these sort of "living" keepsakes for you.
It is, has been, and will be my absolute pleasure for now and for always.
Now I better go do some "just in case" stuff and should (when) you are set to make your arrival, I will be here as much as I can, writing for you along the way.
I may not get much down if it goes quickly but I'm trying to stay in touch as much as possible so that, when it is time, you will be able to read my thoughts and emotions via my words in "real time."
I've come this far with the journaling and want to finish it the way I started: in it all the way.
Loving you already,
Mama (who, if I am not going to be delivering you this evening, would REALLY like a bit of sleep.)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
37 Weeks, 1 Day
Today was a really bad day for me.
"Bad" in that I was just totally off--I couldn't rally, I couldn't pull myself out of it.
I had no desire to leave my bed.
Which really stunk because it was a gorgeous summer day and I missed a great opportunity to have some fun with your siblings and that never makes me happy.
It started in the wee hours of the morning, actually.
I went to bed around 1:30 and woke at 4:00a.m for a potty/Tums break.
And then I laid awake for the next four hours.
I tried to sleep, I really did.
But I was hot then I was cold.
You were wiggling.
I had heartburn.
I had to pee.
The sheets felt funny to me.
I heard weird noises.
There were glowy lights from the cable box that were bothering me.
I could see the sun starting to rise and it sent me into a panic which made the insomnia so much worse.
By the time Creux arrived in my room with a request for breakfastat 8:30, I was just starting to drift off again.
I woke Daddy and they went away.
And still, I could not sleep.
I'm just too uncomfortable.
So I slugged around the house a bit but mostly I kept sneaking back into my bed, with the gorgeous sun pouring into my room, and the squeals of delight coming from my deck as your siblings played in the new pool we set up for them.
I really didn't leave my bed all day and I hated it.
Now had it been rainy and ugly, I would have been delighted by the opportunity to lounge around.
But as it was, I felt like a sick person who just couldn't be better, despite every reason in the world to try.
This last month has historically been brutal for me and it would seem as though maybe this time it will be the same.
You have either dropped a bit into my pelvis or have simply just grown bigger because you're applying a ton of pressure down there, making it hard for me to walk comfortably at all at this point.
It used to be that at the end of the day I'd struggle but now I'm just struggling in general.
And there's that weird pinching and burning sensation that is getting stronger as your head presses down harder.
It downright hurts but today I was able to throw you off a bit and it would go away when you laid off a bit.
I don't know what that is, I've never felt it before.
But I hate it.
My contractions are different with you, too.
They are not as frequent as I would say that they typically are at 37 weeks for me but the intensity of the contractions are unbelievable.
Using those as a guide, I don't think my labor is going to last very long or be very pleasant for me in general.
I think once it begins, it's going to be fast and hard and I just hope that everyone assembles here in time.
Daddy can get to me in 20 minutes or so but the midwives both need about 40 minutes to an hour if I call them from their homes. If they're at the office, 30 minutes hopefully.
They should be able to make it...but I don't know.
If I don't catch it early enough, we could have a real issue on our hands!
And that might sound weird, maybe you'd think that I'd automatically know when I'm in labor, but my contractions should increase over the next weeks with frequency and strength, making it difficult for me to know if what I'm feeling is the beginning of something or just more of the same.
Make no mistake though, there will come a contraction that is FAR different from the rest and I will think, "How could I have mistaken those others for THIS?" but by that point, I will not have much time, especially if I start my labor halfway done dilation-wise.
I may request an internal exam at my appointment on Wednesday just so I know where I'm at since we'll be approaching 38 weeks and I should have done some work by that point.
At the same time, I'd rather just be left alone and I'm sure you would, too, so I probably won't make up my mind on that until we get there.
I've already made many parental decisions concerning you at our last meeting with the midwives.
We did a little ask-and-answer question regarding your treatment immediately after birth and this is what was decided:
You will not be receiving the standard post-birth eye drops as I do not have a sexually transmitted disease and that is simply for prevention of transference there.
You will not be receiving a Vitamin K shot unless you have a "tramautic" birth which would typically involve the use of forceps or vacuum. That shot has been linked to incidence of childhood cancer and if we don't need it, we aren't taking it.
You will not be receiving the Hepatitis B shot as, again, it more of a sexually transmitted disease based vaccine and you are not at risk.
For that matter, you will not be receiving any of the standard vaccinations until Daddy and I feel that something is warranted for you specifically.
Your cord will not be cut until several minutes after birth, when it has finished pulsating.
I know that sounds totally disgusting.
But it's better for you.
I know because I looked it up.
We have decided (I'm so sorry) that you will be circumsized but are leaning toward having someone VERY SKILLED come to our home for that procedure. It is better for babies to be circumsized a few days after birth anyway, it's been suggested around day 8 or so, and if you are a boy, I will suffer along with you but feel like this is the best way to handle it. Our pediatrician will also do it if we'd like to go that route instead.
I have fully researched all of these decisions and do not take any of them lightly--it's an incredibly important job to make health-related decisions for another human being. But I want you to know that I (we) have made them with what we believe to be your best interests in mind.
As your mother, I will always make sure that I am informed and know what I'm doing (to the very best of my ability) in regards to your care and will not say "okay" to anything unless I know what it is, why you need it, and what might happen as a result of you getting it or not getting it.
I wish that I had done this better with your three oldest siblings.
But I didn't and luckily no one seems to be any worse for the wear but now, I'm a different mama and am fiercely protective of your little body and what I allow to happen to it.
You can't speak for yourself and since I'm your voice, I feel a terrific responsibility to dig deep for you and procede accordingly.
Still no name.
It's killing me, this no name thing.
But your dad is working hard nightly, staying up late with the baby book, writing down a few things here and there which he shows to me and then watches as I shake my head.
We haven't found it yet.
But it's out there.
I know it is.
All communications on a girl name have ceased, I'm happy to report.
There is no back-up choice; we're firm on both first and middle.
And THAT is a relief though I really don't think we'll be using it because I just know you're a boy.
I will, however, keep it tight under-wraps just in case there is another little girl in my future at some point...
This is the week that you "should" make an appearance if we're to believe the "five months from the first full week of fetal movement" thing that the midwives tossed out there way back in the winter.
I can't say for sure anything as things change for me daily right now but I don't think you're coming this week.
Typically my body gets a little more hysterical first, upping all of the signs and symptoms of labor until I can barely stand it another day.
But that's how I felt today.
I just felt...stuck.
Tired.
Done.
Should you decide to come, could I just make one eensy-weensy request?
I held off on getting my hair cut and colored for as long as I thought I safely could before risking your arrival and my appointment is Thurday evening.
Listen, I am DESPERATE to get in there.
I waited so long because, since I don't bottle feed, I need to be able to stretch my next appointment to a point where you can last about three hours without me.
If I make it to my appointment on Thursday, I can probably make my next cut and color three months out.
By then, this mama should be able to sneak off and hustle back without you going bananas for a boob.
So while I hate to request that you stick around in there for just a bit longer, could we, if we're going to meet this week, do it sometime after 7:00pm on Thursday?
Thanks so much, sweetie.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is hoping for a really good night's sleep tonight because tomorrow is Father's Day and I simply CAN'T pawn your siblings off on Daddy on his day.)
"Bad" in that I was just totally off--I couldn't rally, I couldn't pull myself out of it.
I had no desire to leave my bed.
Which really stunk because it was a gorgeous summer day and I missed a great opportunity to have some fun with your siblings and that never makes me happy.
It started in the wee hours of the morning, actually.
I went to bed around 1:30 and woke at 4:00a.m for a potty/Tums break.
And then I laid awake for the next four hours.
I tried to sleep, I really did.
But I was hot then I was cold.
You were wiggling.
I had heartburn.
I had to pee.
The sheets felt funny to me.
I heard weird noises.
There were glowy lights from the cable box that were bothering me.
I could see the sun starting to rise and it sent me into a panic which made the insomnia so much worse.
By the time Creux arrived in my room with a request for breakfastat 8:30, I was just starting to drift off again.
I woke Daddy and they went away.
And still, I could not sleep.
I'm just too uncomfortable.
So I slugged around the house a bit but mostly I kept sneaking back into my bed, with the gorgeous sun pouring into my room, and the squeals of delight coming from my deck as your siblings played in the new pool we set up for them.
I really didn't leave my bed all day and I hated it.
Now had it been rainy and ugly, I would have been delighted by the opportunity to lounge around.
But as it was, I felt like a sick person who just couldn't be better, despite every reason in the world to try.
This last month has historically been brutal for me and it would seem as though maybe this time it will be the same.
You have either dropped a bit into my pelvis or have simply just grown bigger because you're applying a ton of pressure down there, making it hard for me to walk comfortably at all at this point.
It used to be that at the end of the day I'd struggle but now I'm just struggling in general.
And there's that weird pinching and burning sensation that is getting stronger as your head presses down harder.
It downright hurts but today I was able to throw you off a bit and it would go away when you laid off a bit.
I don't know what that is, I've never felt it before.
But I hate it.
My contractions are different with you, too.
They are not as frequent as I would say that they typically are at 37 weeks for me but the intensity of the contractions are unbelievable.
Using those as a guide, I don't think my labor is going to last very long or be very pleasant for me in general.
I think once it begins, it's going to be fast and hard and I just hope that everyone assembles here in time.
Daddy can get to me in 20 minutes or so but the midwives both need about 40 minutes to an hour if I call them from their homes. If they're at the office, 30 minutes hopefully.
They should be able to make it...but I don't know.
If I don't catch it early enough, we could have a real issue on our hands!
And that might sound weird, maybe you'd think that I'd automatically know when I'm in labor, but my contractions should increase over the next weeks with frequency and strength, making it difficult for me to know if what I'm feeling is the beginning of something or just more of the same.
Make no mistake though, there will come a contraction that is FAR different from the rest and I will think, "How could I have mistaken those others for THIS?" but by that point, I will not have much time, especially if I start my labor halfway done dilation-wise.
I may request an internal exam at my appointment on Wednesday just so I know where I'm at since we'll be approaching 38 weeks and I should have done some work by that point.
At the same time, I'd rather just be left alone and I'm sure you would, too, so I probably won't make up my mind on that until we get there.
I've already made many parental decisions concerning you at our last meeting with the midwives.
We did a little ask-and-answer question regarding your treatment immediately after birth and this is what was decided:
You will not be receiving the standard post-birth eye drops as I do not have a sexually transmitted disease and that is simply for prevention of transference there.
You will not be receiving a Vitamin K shot unless you have a "tramautic" birth which would typically involve the use of forceps or vacuum. That shot has been linked to incidence of childhood cancer and if we don't need it, we aren't taking it.
You will not be receiving the Hepatitis B shot as, again, it more of a sexually transmitted disease based vaccine and you are not at risk.
For that matter, you will not be receiving any of the standard vaccinations until Daddy and I feel that something is warranted for you specifically.
Your cord will not be cut until several minutes after birth, when it has finished pulsating.
I know that sounds totally disgusting.
But it's better for you.
I know because I looked it up.
We have decided (I'm so sorry) that you will be circumsized but are leaning toward having someone VERY SKILLED come to our home for that procedure. It is better for babies to be circumsized a few days after birth anyway, it's been suggested around day 8 or so, and if you are a boy, I will suffer along with you but feel like this is the best way to handle it. Our pediatrician will also do it if we'd like to go that route instead.
I have fully researched all of these decisions and do not take any of them lightly--it's an incredibly important job to make health-related decisions for another human being. But I want you to know that I (we) have made them with what we believe to be your best interests in mind.
As your mother, I will always make sure that I am informed and know what I'm doing (to the very best of my ability) in regards to your care and will not say "okay" to anything unless I know what it is, why you need it, and what might happen as a result of you getting it or not getting it.
I wish that I had done this better with your three oldest siblings.
But I didn't and luckily no one seems to be any worse for the wear but now, I'm a different mama and am fiercely protective of your little body and what I allow to happen to it.
You can't speak for yourself and since I'm your voice, I feel a terrific responsibility to dig deep for you and procede accordingly.
Still no name.
It's killing me, this no name thing.
But your dad is working hard nightly, staying up late with the baby book, writing down a few things here and there which he shows to me and then watches as I shake my head.
We haven't found it yet.
But it's out there.
I know it is.
All communications on a girl name have ceased, I'm happy to report.
There is no back-up choice; we're firm on both first and middle.
And THAT is a relief though I really don't think we'll be using it because I just know you're a boy.
I will, however, keep it tight under-wraps just in case there is another little girl in my future at some point...
This is the week that you "should" make an appearance if we're to believe the "five months from the first full week of fetal movement" thing that the midwives tossed out there way back in the winter.
I can't say for sure anything as things change for me daily right now but I don't think you're coming this week.
Typically my body gets a little more hysterical first, upping all of the signs and symptoms of labor until I can barely stand it another day.
But that's how I felt today.
I just felt...stuck.
Tired.
Done.
Should you decide to come, could I just make one eensy-weensy request?
I held off on getting my hair cut and colored for as long as I thought I safely could before risking your arrival and my appointment is Thurday evening.
Listen, I am DESPERATE to get in there.
I waited so long because, since I don't bottle feed, I need to be able to stretch my next appointment to a point where you can last about three hours without me.
If I make it to my appointment on Thursday, I can probably make my next cut and color three months out.
By then, this mama should be able to sneak off and hustle back without you going bananas for a boob.
So while I hate to request that you stick around in there for just a bit longer, could we, if we're going to meet this week, do it sometime after 7:00pm on Thursday?
Thanks so much, sweetie.
Loving you already,
Mama (who is hoping for a really good night's sleep tonight because tomorrow is Father's Day and I simply CAN'T pawn your siblings off on Daddy on his day.)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
36 Weeks, 5 Days
We are 100% on your Maybe Girl name.
And I'm in LOOOVE with it.
So you know what this means, right?
You are a boy.
For whom we have NO NAME.
So this is my new and probably final gender guesstimate for you and for a few reasons:
One, I'm always wrong throughout my pregnancies but right at the end. This whole time, I've thought you were a girl. But you're not. I really think you're not.
Two, you're huge. I'm huge. Ridiculously so.
Three, you're strong and are starting to battle your way out. You are not going down without a fight, no sirree!
Four, we have no name for you and no real contenders right now, so that can only mean that you will pop out needing one badly.
Five, I've caught myself three times this week referring to you with the male pronoun. "He" this and "he" that.
Subconsciously.
And over the past few days, when I've imagined your birth, as you slip out of my body and into this world, I notice that I'm imagining a little boy.
If I'm right, you are in GOOD company over here! :)
We're deep in little men though I have to warn you that your smallest big brother will probably spend his life tormenting you.
Sorry about that.
He's a crazy little lover, that one, who would be THRILLED with a little brother.
To harass endlessly :)
A few things:
I'm trying to post more frequently for you as we lead up to your birthday.
Things are changing rapidly for me now and the entire household is prepared for your arrival.
Because I'm not sleeping, I'm back to needing, really and desperately needing, an afternoon nap.
You have been brutal lately, doing who-knows-what down on my pelvic floor but causing all manner of pinching and burning sensations.
You're still very active which is surprising to me.
And frankly, a little scary.
I need a Chill Baby, remember?
REMEMBER?
I know you're not liking what's going on between us right now but the fact of the matter is that I've got to try and get you to turn over and I'm doing just that.
The point, however, is to make you uncomfortable enough by squishing you a bit so that it'll force you to want to change positions.
It doesn't feel great to me either, if it makes you feel any better.
I've been ordered to sit up extremely straight, tipping you forward as much as I can (thereby squashing you) and spending some time on my hands and knees.
Can't tell you how much I'm loving that right now.
So, please, just roll over and we can stop.
I'll be checking in on you on Wednesday and if you've not moved by then, I'm going to have to kick it up a notch.
Babies coming out sunny-side up are notoriously harder to birth.
That. Ain't. Happening. Unmedicated.
So...snap to it, little one.
One last little thing--
When the midwives were here, we covered the details of my planned birth.
Where I would go if I needed to be transferred to a hospital.
Any special requests of mine.
(The only request I had was that I did not want my other kids to be made to feel, one way or another, either pressured to attend the birth or not welcome. I'm far more concerned about the first with Chas. I do not want anyone to try and convince him to join us--if he comes, he comes on his own. And if he doesn't, no one makes a big deal of it.)
Who, if anyone, would be taking video or photography.
Which kind of brings me back to Chas.
Chas was strangely interested in our home visit which sort of surprised me.
I guess I was expecting him to hang out with Emily and his siblings outside but he sat right down at the table with us adults.
He also accompanied us to our bedroom where we went over the preparations that Daddy and I needed to make before their arrival and what to do in case of an emergency.
It was mentioned, at some point, that a sibling of yours might be a good choice for a photographer.
(I had said that I wanted both video and photos but that I did not want another person in the room so I was fine with whatever we managed to capture between Daddy and the midwives picking up the camera.)
I approached Chas alone the following day and inquired if he would be interested in this "job."
He was hesitant at first but as I laid it out for him, he seemed to be far more comfortable with the idea.
This is what I told him:
I understood his apprehension in being in the room, specifically in regards to me, and that he could stand at my head on the other side of the bed.
He'd be able to see you emerging but would not necessarily see much else.
"Use the zoom!" I told him :)
I also said that I was not necessarily planning on any birth photos anyway because in order to do so, I would really need to ask another person to join us and I didn't want to do that.
I wanted him to know that if he felt weird or wanted to leave at any time that I wanted him to just set the camera down and take off.
I would not, will not, be disappointed in "missing" any photos; I will simply be happy with what we are able to capture.
If he sticks around, wonderful.
And if he doesn't, that's wonderful, too.
Because the one thing he has told me time and time again is that he wants to meet you IMMEDIATELY after you are born.
So I know he'll be waiting at the door, even if he's not present at your birth.
I'm trying to come up with a few different birth scenarios that I hope will help me when it's truly "time."
The one I dread the most but think is most likely is a wee hours of the morning birth.
The one I hope for the most is a gorgeous afternoon birth.
Mostly, I just want things to go smoothly, for you to be strong and healthy, and for me to be able to find my inner strength and confidence and to put full faith in the trust I have in my own body to get us both through safely.
I have to admit that while I'm nervous, I am embracing the idea of experiencing the real deal from start to finish.
To come full circle.
On my own.
It's strangely empowering to sort of hand it over to my body's natural instincts and to trust that they will sync with yours and that without much thought or forced effort on either of our parts and with little intervention by anyone else, we will do this together.
Get you here, finally.
I smile just thinking of it.
Loving you already,
Mama
And I'm in LOOOVE with it.
So you know what this means, right?
You are a boy.
For whom we have NO NAME.
So this is my new and probably final gender guesstimate for you and for a few reasons:
One, I'm always wrong throughout my pregnancies but right at the end. This whole time, I've thought you were a girl. But you're not. I really think you're not.
Two, you're huge. I'm huge. Ridiculously so.
Three, you're strong and are starting to battle your way out. You are not going down without a fight, no sirree!
Four, we have no name for you and no real contenders right now, so that can only mean that you will pop out needing one badly.
Five, I've caught myself three times this week referring to you with the male pronoun. "He" this and "he" that.
Subconsciously.
And over the past few days, when I've imagined your birth, as you slip out of my body and into this world, I notice that I'm imagining a little boy.
If I'm right, you are in GOOD company over here! :)
We're deep in little men though I have to warn you that your smallest big brother will probably spend his life tormenting you.
Sorry about that.
He's a crazy little lover, that one, who would be THRILLED with a little brother.
To harass endlessly :)
A few things:
I'm trying to post more frequently for you as we lead up to your birthday.
Things are changing rapidly for me now and the entire household is prepared for your arrival.
Because I'm not sleeping, I'm back to needing, really and desperately needing, an afternoon nap.
You have been brutal lately, doing who-knows-what down on my pelvic floor but causing all manner of pinching and burning sensations.
You're still very active which is surprising to me.
And frankly, a little scary.
I need a Chill Baby, remember?
REMEMBER?
I know you're not liking what's going on between us right now but the fact of the matter is that I've got to try and get you to turn over and I'm doing just that.
The point, however, is to make you uncomfortable enough by squishing you a bit so that it'll force you to want to change positions.
It doesn't feel great to me either, if it makes you feel any better.
I've been ordered to sit up extremely straight, tipping you forward as much as I can (thereby squashing you) and spending some time on my hands and knees.
Can't tell you how much I'm loving that right now.
So, please, just roll over and we can stop.
I'll be checking in on you on Wednesday and if you've not moved by then, I'm going to have to kick it up a notch.
Babies coming out sunny-side up are notoriously harder to birth.
That. Ain't. Happening. Unmedicated.
So...snap to it, little one.
One last little thing--
When the midwives were here, we covered the details of my planned birth.
Where I would go if I needed to be transferred to a hospital.
Any special requests of mine.
(The only request I had was that I did not want my other kids to be made to feel, one way or another, either pressured to attend the birth or not welcome. I'm far more concerned about the first with Chas. I do not want anyone to try and convince him to join us--if he comes, he comes on his own. And if he doesn't, no one makes a big deal of it.)
Who, if anyone, would be taking video or photography.
Which kind of brings me back to Chas.
Chas was strangely interested in our home visit which sort of surprised me.
I guess I was expecting him to hang out with Emily and his siblings outside but he sat right down at the table with us adults.
He also accompanied us to our bedroom where we went over the preparations that Daddy and I needed to make before their arrival and what to do in case of an emergency.
It was mentioned, at some point, that a sibling of yours might be a good choice for a photographer.
(I had said that I wanted both video and photos but that I did not want another person in the room so I was fine with whatever we managed to capture between Daddy and the midwives picking up the camera.)
I approached Chas alone the following day and inquired if he would be interested in this "job."
He was hesitant at first but as I laid it out for him, he seemed to be far more comfortable with the idea.
This is what I told him:
I understood his apprehension in being in the room, specifically in regards to me, and that he could stand at my head on the other side of the bed.
He'd be able to see you emerging but would not necessarily see much else.
"Use the zoom!" I told him :)
I also said that I was not necessarily planning on any birth photos anyway because in order to do so, I would really need to ask another person to join us and I didn't want to do that.
I wanted him to know that if he felt weird or wanted to leave at any time that I wanted him to just set the camera down and take off.
I would not, will not, be disappointed in "missing" any photos; I will simply be happy with what we are able to capture.
If he sticks around, wonderful.
And if he doesn't, that's wonderful, too.
Because the one thing he has told me time and time again is that he wants to meet you IMMEDIATELY after you are born.
So I know he'll be waiting at the door, even if he's not present at your birth.
I'm trying to come up with a few different birth scenarios that I hope will help me when it's truly "time."
The one I dread the most but think is most likely is a wee hours of the morning birth.
The one I hope for the most is a gorgeous afternoon birth.
Mostly, I just want things to go smoothly, for you to be strong and healthy, and for me to be able to find my inner strength and confidence and to put full faith in the trust I have in my own body to get us both through safely.
I have to admit that while I'm nervous, I am embracing the idea of experiencing the real deal from start to finish.
To come full circle.
On my own.
It's strangely empowering to sort of hand it over to my body's natural instincts and to trust that they will sync with yours and that without much thought or forced effort on either of our parts and with little intervention by anyone else, we will do this together.
Get you here, finally.
I smile just thinking of it.
Loving you already,
Mama
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
36 Weeks, 3 Days
Your clothes are laundered and are waiting for you in my room.
I've got diapers and wipes and nursing cloths stashed away in various places around the house so that when you come, I've got everything I need everywhere.
Even if you take your sweet time getting here, it's only about a three week wait.
I can do three weeks.
Surely I can.
Sometimes I don't think I can do three more minutes but that's fleeting.
Part of me can't wait for your arrival and another part of me...is sad to see you go.
Despite all of the "hardships," I love being pregnant and I will miss your company.
I will miss our quiet and private existance together.
Once you arrive, you are everybody's baby.
Right now, you are mine.
The midwives were here tonight and we're all set for your birth day.
We know what to do and it's only a matter of waiting now for your cue.
"Lay low until Saturday," they told me.
I will.
I'm anxious but not overly so.
Not yet, anyway.
You're facing the wrong way, my love, so you need to flip around for me.
Tonight when Abby felt you, she thought for a minute that you were positioned breech which would NOT be a good thing.
But after a long baby massage, it was determined that you weren't, your head is just deep down and facing backwards, making it hard to feel.
If you are born this way, it's okay--it's just that the widest part of your head will come through first and that's not ideal for your mama.
Chas did this to me and I paid dearly.
But having had so many babies, I'm counting on my body to help us out if you don't turn.
Abby said, "Well, this could be a good thing for you. It will likely slow the birth."
But I don't want to slow your birth.
I want it to go fast.
Though she hasn't said it, I think she's worried that I might go too fast.
She reminded me again tonight, "I want advance warning. AS SOON AS YOU THINK, call me."
So give me some warning, okay?
No waking me in the middle of the night suddenly, bound and determined to make an entrance five minutes ago like your sister did.
We're ready for you but would like to NOT be the only hands on deck when it's show time.
Mama's tired.
I just wanted to jot you a quick note to say...I love you and am thinking about you constantly these days.
And I can't wait to meet you.
Loving you already,
Mama
I've got diapers and wipes and nursing cloths stashed away in various places around the house so that when you come, I've got everything I need everywhere.
Even if you take your sweet time getting here, it's only about a three week wait.
I can do three weeks.
Surely I can.
Sometimes I don't think I can do three more minutes but that's fleeting.
Part of me can't wait for your arrival and another part of me...is sad to see you go.
Despite all of the "hardships," I love being pregnant and I will miss your company.
I will miss our quiet and private existance together.
Once you arrive, you are everybody's baby.
Right now, you are mine.
The midwives were here tonight and we're all set for your birth day.
We know what to do and it's only a matter of waiting now for your cue.
"Lay low until Saturday," they told me.
I will.
I'm anxious but not overly so.
Not yet, anyway.
You're facing the wrong way, my love, so you need to flip around for me.
Tonight when Abby felt you, she thought for a minute that you were positioned breech which would NOT be a good thing.
But after a long baby massage, it was determined that you weren't, your head is just deep down and facing backwards, making it hard to feel.
If you are born this way, it's okay--it's just that the widest part of your head will come through first and that's not ideal for your mama.
Chas did this to me and I paid dearly.
But having had so many babies, I'm counting on my body to help us out if you don't turn.
Abby said, "Well, this could be a good thing for you. It will likely slow the birth."
But I don't want to slow your birth.
I want it to go fast.
Though she hasn't said it, I think she's worried that I might go too fast.
She reminded me again tonight, "I want advance warning. AS SOON AS YOU THINK, call me."
So give me some warning, okay?
No waking me in the middle of the night suddenly, bound and determined to make an entrance five minutes ago like your sister did.
We're ready for you but would like to NOT be the only hands on deck when it's show time.
Mama's tired.
I just wanted to jot you a quick note to say...I love you and am thinking about you constantly these days.
And I can't wait to meet you.
Loving you already,
Mama
Thursday, June 10, 2010
35 Weeks, 6 Days
I'm making progress and I'm moving fast.
This week, I have gathered for you a number of "new" sleeping gowns and at least one oatmeal-colored long-sleeved onesie (minus the snaps) that I plan to put you in immediately following your birth.
Or maybe you'll be in one of your sleeping gowns, I'm not totally sure yet.
I'm on the hunt for a sweet cap for your head, which would be a LOT cuter if I knew your gender because I could get a sweet one with a flower or a bow for a little girl or something more masculine for a boy.
And I don't want to buy two because...well, I just don't.
I'll doll you up gender-wise as soon as we know who you are :)
I'm studying up on birthing information and techniques and really trying to visualize how this will all come together.
Sometimes you apply so much pressure with your head that I wait a beat to see if you've broken your bag of water and then my stomach drops and I realize how quickly this could happen for us.
We are a week from our birth window.
And I am NOT PREPARED!!!
But like I said, I am making progress and moving fast.
I also started pulling out the sheet sets and towels that I need for your birthday.
I've applied Post-Its to all sets so that they're labeled for Daddy and the midwives.
The one that says "Birth Set" really hits home for me.
And I'll tell you, I can't even imagine your birth without crying.
They're not tears of fear or anxiety but rather tears of gratitude and excitement.
When I picture you in my arms finally, I just can't help it.
My eyes fill with tears and then I realize I'm driving down the road and those tears are just sliding down my cheeks.
I'm just so lucky and it doesn't escape my notice.
It's humbling, this whole birth experience.
And I'm grateful to have had this "extra" opportunity with you.
I say it that way because, and I know I mentioned this before, but you "number five" were never part of the Original Plan.
But I'm so happy that you've been added in.
Everything is supposed to be in place by Monday when the midwives arrive so we'll spend the weekend tying up some loose ends and making sure that if you decide to come in the early part of this window, that we're ready for you.
I feel ready mama-wise.
I'm completely ready to give up my sleep (have already, actually--the nights are misery for me) and to start my new full-time job of nursing you, and my God, I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and love you.
Just writing that brings tears!
HORMONES!!
But really, it's going to be so nice to see the new face of our family (four boys, one girl? two girls, three boys?) and to resume life.
Pregnancy tends to put a hold on regular life, I think, as a family sort of just waits for their new normal to begin.
I'm ready, super ready for that.
Now I've got to get to work on the rest of it.
It'll be a race to the finish, unless you're late.
Don't. You. DARE! :)
Loving you already,
Mama
This week, I have gathered for you a number of "new" sleeping gowns and at least one oatmeal-colored long-sleeved onesie (minus the snaps) that I plan to put you in immediately following your birth.
Or maybe you'll be in one of your sleeping gowns, I'm not totally sure yet.
I'm on the hunt for a sweet cap for your head, which would be a LOT cuter if I knew your gender because I could get a sweet one with a flower or a bow for a little girl or something more masculine for a boy.
And I don't want to buy two because...well, I just don't.
I'll doll you up gender-wise as soon as we know who you are :)
I'm studying up on birthing information and techniques and really trying to visualize how this will all come together.
Sometimes you apply so much pressure with your head that I wait a beat to see if you've broken your bag of water and then my stomach drops and I realize how quickly this could happen for us.
We are a week from our birth window.
And I am NOT PREPARED!!!
But like I said, I am making progress and moving fast.
I also started pulling out the sheet sets and towels that I need for your birthday.
I've applied Post-Its to all sets so that they're labeled for Daddy and the midwives.
The one that says "Birth Set" really hits home for me.
And I'll tell you, I can't even imagine your birth without crying.
They're not tears of fear or anxiety but rather tears of gratitude and excitement.
When I picture you in my arms finally, I just can't help it.
My eyes fill with tears and then I realize I'm driving down the road and those tears are just sliding down my cheeks.
I'm just so lucky and it doesn't escape my notice.
It's humbling, this whole birth experience.
And I'm grateful to have had this "extra" opportunity with you.
I say it that way because, and I know I mentioned this before, but you "number five" were never part of the Original Plan.
But I'm so happy that you've been added in.
Everything is supposed to be in place by Monday when the midwives arrive so we'll spend the weekend tying up some loose ends and making sure that if you decide to come in the early part of this window, that we're ready for you.
I feel ready mama-wise.
I'm completely ready to give up my sleep (have already, actually--the nights are misery for me) and to start my new full-time job of nursing you, and my God, I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and love you.
Just writing that brings tears!
HORMONES!!
But really, it's going to be so nice to see the new face of our family (four boys, one girl? two girls, three boys?) and to resume life.
Pregnancy tends to put a hold on regular life, I think, as a family sort of just waits for their new normal to begin.
I'm ready, super ready for that.
Now I've got to get to work on the rest of it.
It'll be a race to the finish, unless you're late.
Don't. You. DARE! :)
Loving you already,
Mama
Monday, June 7, 2010
35 Weeks, 3 Days
What. Are. You. DOING IN THERE????
Listen to me!
There is nothing to see so stop turning your head!
There is nothing to do so stop trying to maneuver into new positions!
And PLEASE stop whatever is causing that burning sensation because I hate it and I hate it BAD.
For real.
You're scaring me.
You're like CREUX scaring me.
You've been so good and so relaxed and all of a sudden you are killing me.
When you turn your head and it rubs along the bottom of my pelvic floor, I gasp out loud and scare the crap out of people!
You can't make me do that in my condition because then everyone thinks I'm going to deliver you in their restaurant or their waiting room or in their store and they become HIGHLY uncomfortable in my presence.
I can feel your head, by the way.
Right above my pelvic bone, there's a soft, firm, slight bulge.
That's you.
Crazy.
I'm nesting like a fiend currently so I know we're in the homestretch.
And my contractions are nice and strong, not scarily so, but they've picked up considerably so we're in our groove now.
You could theoretically come, safely, in about a week.
A WEEK!
That's when I had Chas and oh my, he was so tiny.
But you're not tiny.
You are big and strong and squimy all of a sudden!
I opened your clothing totes tonight.
All manner of itty-bitty wondefulness in there...onesies and tiny caps and sweet sleeping gowns.
I pulled all of the neutral stuff out and then a few gender specific favorites, too.
I didn't want to wash everything I had for both sexes so I grabbed about a week's worth of clothes for each and then will launder the rest once I find out who you are exactly.
Once you started Creux-Scaring me, I checked the Chinese Baby Calendar just for fun.
It's said to be highly accurate but I don't really believe in that stuff.
I just wanted to see what it said.
Using my age and your conception month, the prediction is that you are a boy.
For what it's worth, I double checked each of your sibling's "predictions" as well and damn if they weren't all totally accurate.
Hmm, the plot thickens :)
At my last midwives appointment last week, I received my birth kit.
I didn't even look in it right away because I was sort of avoiding it.
Look, I know I've done this four times before already but it's still anxiety-provoking!
Anyway, a quick peek through it was like a walk down Memory Lane.
Big, big, giant pads.
Can't tell you how excited I was to see those things.
Big, really, unsexy netted undies for big, big, giant pads.
I can make fun now but they'll be like my favorite accessory after you arrive so I'm not going to.
Those things exist for a reason, that's all I'm going to say.
A few squirt bottles, blah, blah, blah....sterile gloves.
Sterile gloves?
What do I need those for?
It would seem that I don't but upon reading the little list detailing the contents of the box, I happened upon this:
"Sterile gloves''--for use of internal exams done by father.
I'm sorry.
For WHAT?
By WHOM??
I'd like to think that was a typo but I know better at this point.
This pregnancy has been all about being hands-on (I weigh myself, check my urine for protein, decide how and when and what I want done in regards to everything) but this crap just takes the cake!
And I know they mean it because we once had a conversation with the midwives that went a little something like this:
"Some women go their entire pregnancies without any form of internal manipulations."
(This was them, explaining to me that the choice for any internal poking was mine to make. If I wanted them to do one, (WHY would I ask for this, exactly?) they would but if not, they respected that as well.)
The conversation turned to late pregnancy checks for dilation and effacement, right about now for me.
"We can do those...or we can teach Charlie how to do it for you."
Oh, we laughed!
Silly women!
Like CHARLIE would be doing that, hahahahahaaaa!
Dead silence.
They were serious.
Entirely.
They were also smoking something.
I'm HAPPY to let your daddy deliver you (and that's the plan!) but there's no way that I'm letting him "figure out" how to tell if my cervix is dilated at all.
No. Friggin. Way.
I'd rather just guess at where I'm at and call it a day.
So those sterile gloves won't be necessary, thanks very, very much.
I'm hoping to write more frequently here in the coming days and weeks as we prepare together for your arrival.
I'd even like to journal to you during the first bit of my actual labor if I'm able.
I know I will be for awhile and it might help take my mind off of "things" until I'm at the point where I can't do that anymore.
I can hardly believe that you will be here so soon.
(But when? I love this part of it and hate it equally. I could have just ten days left or over 30!)
Loving you already (NOW SETTLE DOWN!),
Mama
Listen to me!
There is nothing to see so stop turning your head!
There is nothing to do so stop trying to maneuver into new positions!
And PLEASE stop whatever is causing that burning sensation because I hate it and I hate it BAD.
For real.
You're scaring me.
You're like CREUX scaring me.
You've been so good and so relaxed and all of a sudden you are killing me.
When you turn your head and it rubs along the bottom of my pelvic floor, I gasp out loud and scare the crap out of people!
You can't make me do that in my condition because then everyone thinks I'm going to deliver you in their restaurant or their waiting room or in their store and they become HIGHLY uncomfortable in my presence.
I can feel your head, by the way.
Right above my pelvic bone, there's a soft, firm, slight bulge.
That's you.
Crazy.
I'm nesting like a fiend currently so I know we're in the homestretch.
And my contractions are nice and strong, not scarily so, but they've picked up considerably so we're in our groove now.
You could theoretically come, safely, in about a week.
A WEEK!
That's when I had Chas and oh my, he was so tiny.
But you're not tiny.
You are big and strong and squimy all of a sudden!
I opened your clothing totes tonight.
All manner of itty-bitty wondefulness in there...onesies and tiny caps and sweet sleeping gowns.
I pulled all of the neutral stuff out and then a few gender specific favorites, too.
I didn't want to wash everything I had for both sexes so I grabbed about a week's worth of clothes for each and then will launder the rest once I find out who you are exactly.
Once you started Creux-Scaring me, I checked the Chinese Baby Calendar just for fun.
It's said to be highly accurate but I don't really believe in that stuff.
I just wanted to see what it said.
Using my age and your conception month, the prediction is that you are a boy.
For what it's worth, I double checked each of your sibling's "predictions" as well and damn if they weren't all totally accurate.
Hmm, the plot thickens :)
At my last midwives appointment last week, I received my birth kit.
I didn't even look in it right away because I was sort of avoiding it.
Look, I know I've done this four times before already but it's still anxiety-provoking!
Anyway, a quick peek through it was like a walk down Memory Lane.
Big, big, giant pads.
Can't tell you how excited I was to see those things.
Big, really, unsexy netted undies for big, big, giant pads.
I can make fun now but they'll be like my favorite accessory after you arrive so I'm not going to.
Those things exist for a reason, that's all I'm going to say.
A few squirt bottles, blah, blah, blah....sterile gloves.
Sterile gloves?
What do I need those for?
It would seem that I don't but upon reading the little list detailing the contents of the box, I happened upon this:
"Sterile gloves''--for use of internal exams done by father.
I'm sorry.
For WHAT?
By WHOM??
I'd like to think that was a typo but I know better at this point.
This pregnancy has been all about being hands-on (I weigh myself, check my urine for protein, decide how and when and what I want done in regards to everything) but this crap just takes the cake!
And I know they mean it because we once had a conversation with the midwives that went a little something like this:
"Some women go their entire pregnancies without any form of internal manipulations."
(This was them, explaining to me that the choice for any internal poking was mine to make. If I wanted them to do one, (WHY would I ask for this, exactly?) they would but if not, they respected that as well.)
The conversation turned to late pregnancy checks for dilation and effacement, right about now for me.
"We can do those...or we can teach Charlie how to do it for you."
Oh, we laughed!
Silly women!
Like CHARLIE would be doing that, hahahahahaaaa!
Dead silence.
They were serious.
Entirely.
They were also smoking something.
I'm HAPPY to let your daddy deliver you (and that's the plan!) but there's no way that I'm letting him "figure out" how to tell if my cervix is dilated at all.
No. Friggin. Way.
I'd rather just guess at where I'm at and call it a day.
So those sterile gloves won't be necessary, thanks very, very much.
I'm hoping to write more frequently here in the coming days and weeks as we prepare together for your arrival.
I'd even like to journal to you during the first bit of my actual labor if I'm able.
I know I will be for awhile and it might help take my mind off of "things" until I'm at the point where I can't do that anymore.
I can hardly believe that you will be here so soon.
(But when? I love this part of it and hate it equally. I could have just ten days left or over 30!)
Loving you already (NOW SETTLE DOWN!),
Mama
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
34 Weeks, 4 Days
I have fallen from grace.
Remember when I told you that the midwives said I was a "model patient?"
I don't think they feel that way any longer.
We went eight weeks between our appointment last week and the time before.
Part of it was due to our vacation--I'd scheduled a check-up the day before we were to leave but the midwives needed to change the time and we couldn't so we canceled.
So we had to schedule our next appointment for after the vacation and by then, we were six weeks out.
I couldn't do it the week we returned.
And I didn't want to do it last week due to a massively crazy schedule but in the end, I made an appearance, over 30 minutes late.
(They knew we'd be late. I wanted to cancel but they insisted that I come. So I came.)
That appointment was fast and to the point: I'm doing well, I'm retaining water, my hematocrit level is just high enough for a home birth (it needed to be 12 and it was EXACTLY 12--not bad for a girl who eats mainly veggies), my pelvic bones are sore and separating in preparation for your arrival, you measured almost right on schedule (just a bit ahead), your heartbeat is nice and strong, and I get my birth kit TOMORROW.
Since we had such an abbreviated appointment last week, we're going back in the evening but at this point in my pregnancy, we're supposed to be at two week intervals until week 37 and then weekly.
I'll be 35 weeks on Friday.
And I'm COMPLETELY freaking out.
The good news is that our nest is changing weekly and that's been a really important thing for me to get done before your arrival.
Already, I'm digging the space.
It's super cozy and clean and is coming together fast.
It's exactly what I envisioned.
All that's missing is you in the spot next to me in bed.
I looked at it today--this empty little place between daddy's pillow and mine and thought...soon.
I'm deteriorating fast, little one.
My wall definitely wasn't at 32 weeks after all but I think I'm quickly approaching it right now.
I'm tired, I pee ALL THE TIME, I'm emotional, I'm heavy.
My body aches.
You can't move either--you're just left attempting to stretch a bit here and there which is, I think, incredibly uncomfortable for the both of us.
I'm trying to hold strong and just take one day at a time but it's tough to just get around.
And I don't do anything without moaning.
It's annoying to even me, the moaner.
BUT.
We're almost just a month out!
It's so hard to believe that we're so close to the end--I honestly don't know where the time has gone.
And truth be told, I may be hitting my wall but I think I'm faring pretty well still.
The last few weeks are just misery and that's a given.
But I know it could be worse because I think it has been.
New:
I'm back to thinking you're a girl. It's been my gut feeling all along though I admit to waffling here and there but I keep coming back to that.
Both Greer and Creux say you're a sister, with Creux even speaking of you in terms of "she".
He's just potty-trained and he's very concerned about how you'll manage this.
"Will she wear diapers?" "Will she have clothes?"
He gets that you're coming and kisses my belly all the time.
You're not so abstract for him these day--when I say, "OW! That hurts the baby!" he leans over and says to you, "I sorry, baby."
He knows you're in there and I tell him that you can hear him.
Greer's the same way, she talks to you and sings to you all the time at night when we're in bed together.
She is so tickled by the thought of you listening in all the time.
Little eaves-dropper that you are :)
Rhyse doesn't talk to you so much but he does love to feel you move.
A lot of the time when you stir, I'll grab the hand of whoever is closest to me and let them feel you.
Greer and Rhyse are really fascinated by this event and their wide-eyed expressions and smiles make me laugh.
Which then makes you stop and listen.
You're pretty funny that way.
You'll be moving and stretching and if I speak out-loud, you'll stop and wait.
So these days, I usually whisper or wave someone closer to feel you so that you don't get spooked and stop what you're doing.
At the same time, you can be sleeping peacefully and if I holler loudly, you're up and you're up fast!
I definitely have the ability to wake you (as you do me).
Stinks, doesn't it? :)
Also new:
Out of left field, literally out of NOWHERE, comes a new baby girl name.
And I love it.
Actually, I'd registered it awhile back but it's one of those names that I needed to sit on for a bit before pretty nearly deciding that it might really be The One.
I tried a few baby name search engines the other night and found this: your Maybe Girl name has never been in the top 100.
In fact, it's never even been in the top ONE THOUSAND.
It's not common.
And it probably won't be universally loved.
Which makes it a really good choice for us :)
It's...well, I just love it.
And unless your daddy pulls a last minute veto on me, I think this is it.
It's not the name I originally chose for you and was almost certain would be yours.
That's not necessarily out of the question yet but I don't think it's my favorite at this point.
I've heard it a bit more than I'd have liked recently (along with your Maybe Boy name which is also under fire at the moment) and while neither are common, I think both have the potential to be.
The middle name for Maybe Girl You is not something most people will have heard either but it goes great with the first.
Negotiations are underway (nightly as I push for closure) but I'm feeling really good about this.
If you're a boy, then...I'm not sure yet.
I'm hoping that something will cross my path in the same manner as the Maybe Girl name--where I'll see it and go, "Heeeeey. Maybe?? Like really maybe?"
Sleeping on things helps me a ton, too, which is why I really need to get these names sorted out quickly.
Having slept on the girl name, I woke up excited which told me that I was on the right path for sure.
I'll find something similar for you should you be a boy.
I'm working on it.
One last new thing:
I'm pouring over my home birth information booklet, starting to prepare myself for what's to come.
Back when I was supposed to chart when I first felt you move every single day for a week, going five months from that point (which is when the midwives said birth often occurs), we're looking at the week of June 19.
Certainly every pregnancy is different but going from my last two, where I was almost to-the-day 40 weeks, I'm not planning on this.
But realistically, I should be pretty ready by week 37 which is when you'll be considered full-term and every day becomes a potential birthday.
That's two weeks from now.
GULP.
Reading and researching and gathering information always makes me feel better so in some ways, this is how I'll help prepare myself for your birth.
Obviously I've done this before so it's not completely a crash course in anything.
But I'll be relying on something I've never really relied so heavily upon before: myself.
Yeah, there will be people here to assist me but in the end, I'm going to have to get myself through this.
At the end of the day, it's my situation to own.
I'm excited about that and, at the same time, shaking in my flip flops.
Before, I just had to make sure I got myself to the hospital in time.
Now, I have get myself through "on my own" and the more prepared I feel, the better I'll do.
Things are really coming together though and I can feel the subtle change in my own personal atmosphere telling me that it's almost "time."
I no longer worry about how you'll fit here; you'll just fit.
I'm suddenly more emotional in the sense of saying goodbye to this normal as I open my heart and mind to the new one.
I hug Creux a little tighter because as soon as you arrive, I will look at him and say, "My God, you're huge. You're like seven, aren't you?"
He will be different in my eyes and his position in the family will shift more dramatically than the others.
So many thoughts that come to mind revolve around you--swinging tonight outside I thought, "The weather is really nice after 7:30 so it'll be the perfect time to bring the baby out then. We can sit here and swing together, nurse, watch the older ones play."
There are suddenly a million thoughts and images running through my head like this.
And all of the things I've been putting off--like hauling out the baby clothes and blankets and ordering the few things that I think you'll need have suddenly moved to the top of my to-do list.
That's a milestone right there as I NEVER get into that stuff until I absolutely have to.
Washing a load of laundry that contains clothing just a bit bigger than the size of my hand brings crazy baby lust my way.
I'm not into self-torture so I wait until the last minute.
I can't wait until week 39 just in case you do come early so I've kind of almost run out of time for that sort of stuff.
I need to get it out, get it ready, and let it sit.
Won't be long now.
Loving you already,
Mama
Remember when I told you that the midwives said I was a "model patient?"
I don't think they feel that way any longer.
We went eight weeks between our appointment last week and the time before.
Part of it was due to our vacation--I'd scheduled a check-up the day before we were to leave but the midwives needed to change the time and we couldn't so we canceled.
So we had to schedule our next appointment for after the vacation and by then, we were six weeks out.
I couldn't do it the week we returned.
And I didn't want to do it last week due to a massively crazy schedule but in the end, I made an appearance, over 30 minutes late.
(They knew we'd be late. I wanted to cancel but they insisted that I come. So I came.)
That appointment was fast and to the point: I'm doing well, I'm retaining water, my hematocrit level is just high enough for a home birth (it needed to be 12 and it was EXACTLY 12--not bad for a girl who eats mainly veggies), my pelvic bones are sore and separating in preparation for your arrival, you measured almost right on schedule (just a bit ahead), your heartbeat is nice and strong, and I get my birth kit TOMORROW.
Since we had such an abbreviated appointment last week, we're going back in the evening but at this point in my pregnancy, we're supposed to be at two week intervals until week 37 and then weekly.
I'll be 35 weeks on Friday.
And I'm COMPLETELY freaking out.
The good news is that our nest is changing weekly and that's been a really important thing for me to get done before your arrival.
Already, I'm digging the space.
It's super cozy and clean and is coming together fast.
It's exactly what I envisioned.
All that's missing is you in the spot next to me in bed.
I looked at it today--this empty little place between daddy's pillow and mine and thought...soon.
I'm deteriorating fast, little one.
My wall definitely wasn't at 32 weeks after all but I think I'm quickly approaching it right now.
I'm tired, I pee ALL THE TIME, I'm emotional, I'm heavy.
My body aches.
You can't move either--you're just left attempting to stretch a bit here and there which is, I think, incredibly uncomfortable for the both of us.
I'm trying to hold strong and just take one day at a time but it's tough to just get around.
And I don't do anything without moaning.
It's annoying to even me, the moaner.
BUT.
We're almost just a month out!
It's so hard to believe that we're so close to the end--I honestly don't know where the time has gone.
And truth be told, I may be hitting my wall but I think I'm faring pretty well still.
The last few weeks are just misery and that's a given.
But I know it could be worse because I think it has been.
New:
I'm back to thinking you're a girl. It's been my gut feeling all along though I admit to waffling here and there but I keep coming back to that.
Both Greer and Creux say you're a sister, with Creux even speaking of you in terms of "she".
He's just potty-trained and he's very concerned about how you'll manage this.
"Will she wear diapers?" "Will she have clothes?"
He gets that you're coming and kisses my belly all the time.
You're not so abstract for him these day--when I say, "OW! That hurts the baby!" he leans over and says to you, "I sorry, baby."
He knows you're in there and I tell him that you can hear him.
Greer's the same way, she talks to you and sings to you all the time at night when we're in bed together.
She is so tickled by the thought of you listening in all the time.
Little eaves-dropper that you are :)
Rhyse doesn't talk to you so much but he does love to feel you move.
A lot of the time when you stir, I'll grab the hand of whoever is closest to me and let them feel you.
Greer and Rhyse are really fascinated by this event and their wide-eyed expressions and smiles make me laugh.
Which then makes you stop and listen.
You're pretty funny that way.
You'll be moving and stretching and if I speak out-loud, you'll stop and wait.
So these days, I usually whisper or wave someone closer to feel you so that you don't get spooked and stop what you're doing.
At the same time, you can be sleeping peacefully and if I holler loudly, you're up and you're up fast!
I definitely have the ability to wake you (as you do me).
Stinks, doesn't it? :)
Also new:
Out of left field, literally out of NOWHERE, comes a new baby girl name.
And I love it.
Actually, I'd registered it awhile back but it's one of those names that I needed to sit on for a bit before pretty nearly deciding that it might really be The One.
I tried a few baby name search engines the other night and found this: your Maybe Girl name has never been in the top 100.
In fact, it's never even been in the top ONE THOUSAND.
It's not common.
And it probably won't be universally loved.
Which makes it a really good choice for us :)
It's...well, I just love it.
And unless your daddy pulls a last minute veto on me, I think this is it.
It's not the name I originally chose for you and was almost certain would be yours.
That's not necessarily out of the question yet but I don't think it's my favorite at this point.
I've heard it a bit more than I'd have liked recently (along with your Maybe Boy name which is also under fire at the moment) and while neither are common, I think both have the potential to be.
The middle name for Maybe Girl You is not something most people will have heard either but it goes great with the first.
Negotiations are underway (nightly as I push for closure) but I'm feeling really good about this.
If you're a boy, then...I'm not sure yet.
I'm hoping that something will cross my path in the same manner as the Maybe Girl name--where I'll see it and go, "Heeeeey. Maybe?? Like really maybe?"
Sleeping on things helps me a ton, too, which is why I really need to get these names sorted out quickly.
Having slept on the girl name, I woke up excited which told me that I was on the right path for sure.
I'll find something similar for you should you be a boy.
I'm working on it.
One last new thing:
I'm pouring over my home birth information booklet, starting to prepare myself for what's to come.
Back when I was supposed to chart when I first felt you move every single day for a week, going five months from that point (which is when the midwives said birth often occurs), we're looking at the week of June 19.
Certainly every pregnancy is different but going from my last two, where I was almost to-the-day 40 weeks, I'm not planning on this.
But realistically, I should be pretty ready by week 37 which is when you'll be considered full-term and every day becomes a potential birthday.
That's two weeks from now.
GULP.
Reading and researching and gathering information always makes me feel better so in some ways, this is how I'll help prepare myself for your birth.
Obviously I've done this before so it's not completely a crash course in anything.
But I'll be relying on something I've never really relied so heavily upon before: myself.
Yeah, there will be people here to assist me but in the end, I'm going to have to get myself through this.
At the end of the day, it's my situation to own.
I'm excited about that and, at the same time, shaking in my flip flops.
Before, I just had to make sure I got myself to the hospital in time.
Now, I have get myself through "on my own" and the more prepared I feel, the better I'll do.
Things are really coming together though and I can feel the subtle change in my own personal atmosphere telling me that it's almost "time."
I no longer worry about how you'll fit here; you'll just fit.
I'm suddenly more emotional in the sense of saying goodbye to this normal as I open my heart and mind to the new one.
I hug Creux a little tighter because as soon as you arrive, I will look at him and say, "My God, you're huge. You're like seven, aren't you?"
He will be different in my eyes and his position in the family will shift more dramatically than the others.
So many thoughts that come to mind revolve around you--swinging tonight outside I thought, "The weather is really nice after 7:30 so it'll be the perfect time to bring the baby out then. We can sit here and swing together, nurse, watch the older ones play."
There are suddenly a million thoughts and images running through my head like this.
And all of the things I've been putting off--like hauling out the baby clothes and blankets and ordering the few things that I think you'll need have suddenly moved to the top of my to-do list.
That's a milestone right there as I NEVER get into that stuff until I absolutely have to.
Washing a load of laundry that contains clothing just a bit bigger than the size of my hand brings crazy baby lust my way.
I'm not into self-torture so I wait until the last minute.
I can't wait until week 39 just in case you do come early so I've kind of almost run out of time for that sort of stuff.
I need to get it out, get it ready, and let it sit.
Won't be long now.
Loving you already,
Mama
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