38 Weeks, 4 Days

I woke up this morning nauseated.
And then I cried through my shower.

It was not a good start to the day.

Why the tears?
Oh, just a slow, methodical coming apart of a woman is all.
My undoing.

Had someone walked in and demanded to know what I was upset over, I would have been too baffled myself to reply.

And in some really screwed up way, this made me happy!
This is my own little preparation for you, it's totally hormonally charged and for whatever reason, seems to be a necessary component to my ending my pregnancies.

I do not suffer from any sort of post-partum weirdness, thankfully.
My roller coaster ride typically ends with a delivery and from that point on, I'm on a high until I'm completely over-whelmed.
Should be about Day Three or My First Day Alone.
Both will be blog-worthy, trust me.
But even then, I'm so consumed with baby love that while it's hard to juggle, I juggle as mightily as I can and I still find many, many, many amazing moments in my days where I'm over-come with joy for my "job".
And your sweet baby sounds and smells and the heft of you in my arms will send me right on over the moon hourly.

So it's my birthday but not yours, huh?
Okay, fine, I get it.
You don't want to share.

Your daddy tried to make this easier for me last night, attempting to "reason" with me (as if!  I'm ten months pregnant--THERE IS NO REASONING) by saying, "Do you really want every other birthday of yours to be centered around toys and kiddish cakes and someone else because it will NEVER be yours again, you know that right?"
And my response was, "YES, I WANT THAT!"
(I really might've yelled it even, just like that.)
He was just trying to let me down easy, I know.
But I sort of woke today with a small hope in my heart.
Which you promptly stomped out, so thanks for that!  :)
Only kidding...it will be when it will be and I'm going to have to find the patience to allow you the freedom to choose your own birthdate.

But seriously?
Do you think maybe you could speed it up a bit?
Just a bit?
We've officially got nine days to go and I am definitely starting to swing crazily between A Good Day and A Very, Very Bad Day.
The Good Days are slowly going bye-bye so if we could just wrap this up soon, that'd be just FAB.

And please.
PLEASE.
Don't make me go past the 9th.
PLEASE!
I can and will hang on until then but I honestly do not know what will become of me if it's any later than that.
I've never been past 39 Weeks and 5 Days.
We're about a week out from that so you've gotta start getting less comfortable in there.
I wouldn't even be concerned about it at all, and I really don't think it's going to happen, but this is my first Hands-Off pregnancy and so, I don't know how it'll go.

What I mean by that is that I'm not being fussed with weekly at the doctor's office.
Those internal exams that I am skipping typically send me into contraction hell for awhile after and are possibly a trigger for my very revvy uterus to help my babies decide it's Eviction Time.
And, I've also at this point, typically undergone a fun little procedure called "membrane stripping" which I won't go into the details of but suffice it to say, it sort of tells you babies to beat it.
Since I've not done this with you...it's going to be interesting to see how you handle being left alone.

My next appointment is tomorrow and I'm on the fence as far as requesting an exam.
I will be 39 weeks on Friday and at this point, I'm usually right about 4-5 cm done.
Perhaps this knowledge would help me get through the next little while, if I asked and found it to be true at this time.
If it's not, I really might jump off a building.

But I do sort of want to just leave you alone.
I'm torn.
I suppose I'll just make my decision on the fly tomorrow when we get there.
A Good Day= privacy for you.
A Very, Very Bad Day= I need some numbers.

Tonight we changed the sheets on the bed to the labor and delivery ones.
There is now a crinkly, plastic tarp covering my mattress, underneath my mattress pad which I hope does not crinkle all night long or else I will be yanking everything, including your father, off the bed at my 4:15 Appointment to Pee and removing it, mattress be damned.

And I think, my dear Maybe Boy, that you have a name!
It's been churning and churning for awhile now, a third but sort of distant contender, nothing that has ever really jumped out at me but something kept in mind.
This morning at breakfast, we agreed to let the front-runner name go, the one I'd seen in the magazine yesterday.
Love it but...no.
It's officially gone and already it feels like the right decision.

We talked about the second one we liked, one we actually tossed around for Creux before deciding on Creux--I noticed that Daddy stuck this name back on the list the other day.
I was open to it and still sort of am.
But I had found and jotted down this other coolish name I came across weeks ago and at the time, we were still both digging nightly, covering our baby books as fast as we could so it was just one of about 15 names scrawled on a piece of paper, but today your Daddy said that he still liked it, that one in particular.
I've thought about it all day, trying it on for size...and I DO really like it, too.
It fits all requirements and goes well with your siblings names.
No one would be surprised that we picked it as it's..."us"?

I'm not 100% at this point, sort of hovering around 90.
Which is a good place to be "just in case."
I've got nothing for a middle but knowing what we are likely to choose for your first will hopefully make that job a snap for us.

Funny how a day can change everything, right?

(So, listen, if YOU want to impact a change then you just go right on ahead and impact away :))

Okay, that's enough for tonight.
It would seem that I have endless opportunities to make these last entries to you.
Stinker.

Loving you already,
Mama (who is STILL enormously pregnant, in case you needed one last reminder.)