38 Weeks, 3 Days

So I had an interesting dream last night.
A "message from beyond," if you will.
And it came from my grandfather, strangely enough, my mother's dad.
He's been dead for years so this was really quite...odd to me.
I don't often converse with dead people in my dreams, even ones I loved.
And actually, it wasn't exactly a conversation...

I can't remember the setting of this dream or any of the details preceding his appearance.
But he came up to me and he said, "I know you think it's a boy, but it's not."
And then he started snickering.

You must understand, my grandfather was a snickerer.
And he was prone to jokes.
Downright ornery, he was--the coolest grandparent I've ever known.
He wasn't old and stuffy, rather the opposite.
I think, in fact, that he had more fun at my wedding than I did which is saying something.
Because my wedding was a par-tay, from what I can remember.
Sorry, losing my train of focus.

Anyway, he was a teaser and would often torment your Memaw's husband (my stepfather) at family dinners by saying things that he knew would drive him crazy.

(My stepfather was not known for his wildly intoxicating sense of humor and had buttons glaringly easy to push.  And it's not that I disliked him--it was a complicated relationship for sure--but I definitely enjoyed those dinner moments more than anyone else.  Well, other than my grandpa.)

Back to the dream--so he says that to me and walks away.
I don't respond.
And I am PISSED.

I call my mother.
(In my dream.)

"You won't BELIEVE what he just did!  I've waited all this time not knowing my baby's gender and NOW he tells me, when I'm DAYS AWAY from finding out on my own, what I'm having?  How could he do that to me!?!"

Her response was basically, "You sound surprised" and "I told you it was a girl all along."

Hmm.

Very peculiar, right?
Because I DO think you're a boy.
And I can't even take this dream as a divine message from grandpa-in-heaven because of that snicker.
Had he not snickered, I might be sitting here tonight now firm in my belief that a) people CAN send messages from beyond and b) you're a daughter for me.

But that laugh...it was almost intentionally confusing--but on who's part?
Did I conjure up this whole thing and then add in that snicker to confuse myself?
Or really, did I receive a message from an ornery old man who likes to play jokes and wanted to mess with me a little bit for the sake of his own entertainment?
(HIGHLY plausible.)

Puzzling, no?

So how about you just show yourself and clear it up for me?  :)

I'm hanging in there.
Today brought, in addition to lugging your hefty weight around, some lovely back pain with my contractions.
And not like the regular old back ache of pregnancy but the kind that feels like my spine is being twisted as I breath through a contraction in complete stillness.

I hate moving during contractions.
The worst is when I'm driving or riding in the car and being jostled around.
At home, I go perfectly still and quiet.
Even now, I don't like to talk through them or do anything but attempt to relax myself.
I'm doing pretty good so far.
This is the easy part and like I said, I know I'm most likely doing quite a bit of the pre-work so that perspective helps me not to cave into my misery.

But I'll be honest.
I will start to cave soon.
There's only so many more nights I can go being so uncomfortable and so many more days spent sitting through contractions wishing they would just ratchet up and get the show on the road.

And maybe that's by design because usually when my labors do truly begin, I am grateful and almost looking forward to the pain because I'm so worn down from the weeks of waiting and wondering and the contracting, contracting, contracting.

Looking at what are labeled "prelabor" signs, indicating that labor could be just days away or weeks, I currently have 8 of the 11.
What does this mean?
Everything and nothing.
Just that I'm pretty well ready.
It's close but could still be awhile.
People are asking me, "When do you think?"  and all I can say is that I don't feel there quite yet.

Usually I bottom-out, hit a massive wall of self-pity and impatience.
Creux was born on a Really Bad Day for me.
I remember distinctly, I was in a rotten mood all day long and had just woken from a nap and still felt...hopeless. 
Like I couldn't go another minute.
And then I realized that my water had broken.
My heart soared, yes, because I knew then that I was going to meet my baby but in that first moment, all I could think was, "Thank God.  It's over."

I don't feel this quite yet with you but I also still have a whole week and a half left.
Most likely by then, my sanity will be dangling precariously and I will be near crazed with Birth Longing.
And again, yes, to meet you, but also to end what I will come to believe to be my "sentence."

Tomorrow is my birthday but I don't think you're ready for it to be yours.
Maybe things will change in between now and then, who knows.
Anything is possible.
(Are you listening because I just said that outloud for your benefit. 
No pressure but you'd be a GREAT gift!)

Absolutely still solid on your Maybe Girl name--no other contenders and none wanted.
Still floundering on your Maybe Boy though we did sort of seem to narrow it to two, no middle yet, then took a break over the weekend and then today I saw the one that's been hanging around in my head forever in a magazine.
A little boy shown smiling happily with his family.
Bearing your Maybe name.
Coming across it today is sort of significant as I was really kind of leaning towards it again.
(It's the one we like originally but have all along worried that it's too mainstream. 
IT IS.)

So it's back to the drawing board :)

Loving you already,
Mama