34 Weeks, 4 Days

I have fallen from grace.
Remember when I told you that the midwives said I was a "model patient?"
I don't think they feel that way any longer.

We went eight weeks between our appointment last week and the time before.
Part of it was due to our vacation--I'd scheduled a check-up the day before we were to leave but the midwives needed to change the time and we couldn't so we canceled.
So we had to schedule our next appointment for after the vacation and by then, we were six weeks out.
I couldn't do it the week we returned.
And I didn't want to do it last week due to a massively crazy schedule but in the end, I made an appearance, over 30 minutes late.
(They knew we'd be late.  I wanted to cancel but they insisted that I come.  So I came.)

That appointment was fast and to the point: I'm doing well, I'm retaining water, my hematocrit level is just high enough for a home birth (it needed to be 12 and it was EXACTLY 12--not bad for a girl who eats mainly veggies), my pelvic bones are sore and separating in preparation for your arrival, you measured almost right on schedule (just a bit ahead), your heartbeat is nice and strong, and I get my birth kit TOMORROW.

Since we had such an abbreviated appointment last week, we're going back in the evening but at this point in my pregnancy, we're supposed to be at two week intervals until week 37 and then weekly.
I'll be 35 weeks on Friday.
And I'm COMPLETELY freaking out.

The good news is that our nest is changing weekly and that's been a really important thing for me to get done before your arrival.
Already, I'm digging the space.
It's super cozy and clean and is coming together fast.
It's exactly what I envisioned.
All that's missing is you in the spot next to me in bed.
I looked at it today--this empty little place between daddy's pillow and mine and thought...soon.

I'm deteriorating fast, little one.
My wall definitely wasn't at 32 weeks after all but I think I'm quickly approaching it right now.
I'm tired, I pee ALL THE TIME, I'm emotional, I'm heavy.
My body aches.
You can't move either--you're just left attempting to stretch a bit here and there which is, I think, incredibly uncomfortable for the both of us.

I'm trying to hold strong and just take one day at a time but it's tough to just get around.
And I don't do anything without moaning.
It's annoying to even me, the moaner.

BUT.
We're almost just a month out!
It's so hard to believe that we're so close to the end--I honestly don't know where the time has gone.
And truth be told, I may be hitting my wall but I think I'm faring pretty well still.
The last few weeks are just misery and that's a given.
But I know it could be worse because I think it has been.

New:

I'm back to thinking you're a girl.  It's been my gut feeling all along though I admit to waffling here and there but I keep coming back to that.
Both Greer and Creux say you're a sister, with Creux even speaking of you in terms of "she".
He's just potty-trained and he's very concerned about how you'll manage this.
"Will she wear diapers?"  "Will she have clothes?"
He gets that you're coming and kisses my belly all the time.
You're not so abstract for him these day--when I say, "OW!  That hurts the baby!" he leans over and says to you, "I sorry, baby."
He knows you're in there and I tell him that you can hear him.

Greer's the same way, she talks to you and sings to you all the time at night when we're in bed together.
She is so tickled by the thought of you listening in all the time.
Little eaves-dropper that you are :)

Rhyse doesn't talk to you so much but he does love to feel you move.
A lot of the time when you stir, I'll grab the hand of whoever is closest to me and let them feel you.
Greer and Rhyse are really fascinated by this event and their wide-eyed expressions and smiles make me laugh.
Which then makes you stop and listen.
You're pretty funny that way.
You'll be moving and stretching and if I speak out-loud, you'll stop and wait.
So these days, I usually whisper or wave someone closer to feel you so that you don't get spooked and stop what you're doing.

At the same time, you can be sleeping peacefully and if I holler loudly, you're up and you're up fast!
I definitely have the ability to wake you (as you do me).
Stinks, doesn't it?  :)

Also new:

Out of left field, literally out of NOWHERE, comes a new baby girl name.
And I love it.
Actually, I'd registered it awhile back but it's one of those names that I needed to sit on for a bit before pretty nearly deciding that it might really be The One.

I tried a few baby name search engines the other night and found this: your Maybe Girl name has never been in the top 100.
In fact, it's never even been in the top ONE THOUSAND.
It's not common.
And it probably won't be universally loved.
Which makes it a really good choice for us :)
It's...well, I just love it.
And unless your daddy pulls a last minute veto on me, I think this is it.
It's not the name I originally chose for you and was almost certain would be yours.
That's not necessarily out of the question yet but I don't think it's my favorite at this point.
I've heard it a bit more than I'd have liked recently (along with your Maybe Boy name which is also under fire at the moment) and while neither are common, I think both have the potential to be.

The middle name for Maybe Girl You is not something most people will have heard either but it goes great with the first. 
Negotiations are underway (nightly as I push for closure) but I'm feeling really good about this.

If you're a boy, then...I'm not sure yet.
I'm hoping that something will cross my path in the same manner as the Maybe Girl name--where I'll see it and go, "Heeeeey.  Maybe??  Like really maybe?"
Sleeping on things helps me a ton, too, which is why I really need to get these names sorted out quickly.
Having slept on the girl name, I woke up excited which told me that I was on the right path for sure.
I'll find something similar for you should you be a boy.
I'm working on it.

One last new thing:

I'm pouring over my home birth information booklet, starting to prepare myself for what's to come.
Back when I was supposed to chart when I first felt you move every single day for a week, going five months from that point (which is when the midwives said birth often occurs), we're looking at the week of June 19.
Certainly every pregnancy is different but going from my last two, where I was almost to-the-day 40 weeks, I'm not planning on this.
But realistically, I should be pretty ready by week 37 which is when you'll be considered full-term and every day becomes a potential birthday.
That's two weeks from now.
GULP.

Reading and researching and gathering information always makes me feel better so in some ways, this is how I'll help prepare myself for your birth.
Obviously I've done this before so it's not completely a crash course in anything.
But I'll be relying on something I've never really relied so heavily upon before: myself.
Yeah, there will be people here to assist me but in the end, I'm going to have to get myself through this.
At the end of the day, it's my situation to own.
I'm excited about that and, at the same time, shaking in my flip flops.
Before, I just had to make sure I got myself to the hospital in time.
Now, I have get myself through "on my own" and the more prepared I feel, the better I'll do.

Things are really coming together though and I can feel the subtle change in my own personal atmosphere telling me that it's almost "time."
I no longer worry about how you'll fit here; you'll just fit.
I'm suddenly more emotional in the sense of saying goodbye to this normal as I open my heart and mind to the new one.
I hug Creux a little tighter because as soon as you arrive, I will look at him and say, "My God, you're huge.  You're like seven, aren't you?" 
He will be different in my eyes and his position in the family will shift more dramatically than the others.
So many thoughts that come to mind revolve around you--swinging tonight outside I thought, "The weather is really nice after 7:30 so it'll be the perfect time to bring the baby out then.  We can sit here and swing together, nurse, watch the older ones play."
There are suddenly a million thoughts and images running through my head like this.

And all of the things I've been putting off--like hauling out the baby clothes and blankets and ordering the few things that I think you'll need have suddenly moved to the top of my to-do list.
That's a milestone right there as I NEVER get into that stuff until I absolutely have to.
Washing a load of laundry that contains clothing just a bit bigger than the size of my hand brings crazy baby lust my way.
I'm not into self-torture so I wait until the last minute.
I can't wait until week 39 just in case you do come early so I've kind of almost run out of time for that sort of stuff.
I need to get it out, get it ready, and let it sit.

Won't be long now.

Loving you already,
Mama