37 Weeks, 5 Days

Good news!
You turned and are now back to facing the right way!

You're laying sideways, with your wee little bottom sticking out on the right side of my body.
This is a perfect position as hopefully when labor begins, you'll just maneuver slightly and be facing down.
Like you're supposed to be.
Like in a way that won't make me want to knock myself out with that frying pan stashed under my bed.

Obviously we had our check-up tonight with the midwives and I went in there and tattled mericlessly on you.
"I can't sleep, there's so much pressure, I have heartburn, the baby is stabbing me with contraband scissors, I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I HAVE CANKLES!"

Just ten days ago, I saw them here at our house for our home visit.
And I was still faring pretty well.
But so much has changed for me in those ten days and today I whipped out my laundry list of ailments.

I mentioned to them this stabbing thing you're doing.
"There's so much pressure and then I get this really painful jab that literally makes me yelp outloud."
(Really, it does.  I feel like a moron gasping or yelping spontaneously in public but I can't help it.  I know you have scissors in there.)
"In your cervix?" they both asked at the same time.
"Yes!" I shouted.  "WHAT IS THAT???"
"It's the baby opening your cervix, burrowing in there, banging its head against you."

They failed to mention the scissors that you've somehow come across but apparently it's just you trying to find the exit door.
You're looking in the right place, by the way.
Just look a little less...viciously, please.

I was really happy to hear that you'd moved--it was a big relief to me.
They are encouraging me to keep making you squashed so that you don't turn back because it's possible that you'll twist over again.
We need you to just chill in there for now.

We were also talking about all the pressure I sometimes feel from you and they were saying with first time babies, they usually drop into the pelvis within a month to a few weeks from birth.
With subsequent babies, they usually don't drop until just before or at the start of labor but can move in and out of the pelvis easily.
This would explain why sometimes you're so low and heavy I can barely walk and that's not an understatement.
When you are lodged in my pelvis, I just sort of drag around. 
But then later, I can move more freely.
It really sort of does make me appreciate that you don't drop down there and stay down there.
I'd been in REAL trouble if you did because you are heavy.

Do you want to know how heavy you are?
Listen here, you little pork chop.
Ten days ago, when I was at 36 weeks, you measured right about there--close to 37.
Right now, I am approaching 38 weeks and you're measurement should reflect that.
You rang in at 40!!!
No friggin wonder I couldn't get out of bed on Saturday and why I feel so different and big and draggy and heavy!
You're HUGE! 
I feel like you've grown from yesterday to today and I feel like that every day right now!

You're probably going to be my biggest baby yet, especially if we make it to our due date.
My guess is you're a good seven pounds right now and we still could have two or more weeks of growth.
GAH!
Listen, I was not built for birthing big babies so you're going to have to lay off the Haagen Daz or whatever you managed to get ahold of along with those scissors that I KNOW you have in there.

I punched Daddy in the arm on the way to the car and berated him for his part in your weight issues.
MY genes make long, skinny babies.
HIS genes make butterballs. 
Ornery butterballs.
I already know what you're going to look like, just from hearing how big you are.
You will have a mass of dark hair, a squished up face, the most EDIBLE newborny fat rolls, bunched up fists and a penis.
You will look like a tiny, pissed off boxer.

And lucky for you, I LOVE that look :)

Thank you for being such a good baby and for rolling over like you were asked and for letting me get my hair done tomorrow as requested.
Keep up the good work because I have another request. 
(It's actually sort of a demand, phrased as a request--something I'm quite skilled at doing.)
There's a full moon on Saturday and I think that would be a wonderful birthday for you.
But I'm still sort of partial to Tuesday, the 29th.
That's MY day and I'd love to share it with you.

SO...since you've hijacked all of the available space in my body and can't grow much bigger anyway (you're just getting fatter at this point, like a Thanksgiving turkey), why not one of those two days?

Think about it.
And put down the scissors.
AND the Haagen Daz.
(I don't even have to ask to know it's something like Chocolate Chocolate Chunk.  I'm right, aren't I, you little piglet?)

Loving you already,
Mama