37 Weeks, 1 Day

Today was a really bad day for me.
"Bad" in that I was just totally off--I couldn't rally, I couldn't pull myself out of it.
I had no desire to leave my bed.
Which really stunk because it was a gorgeous summer day and I missed a great opportunity to have some fun with your siblings and that never makes me happy.

It started in the wee hours of the morning, actually.
I went to bed around 1:30 and woke at 4:00a.m for a potty/Tums break.

And then I laid awake for the next four hours.

I tried to sleep, I really did.
But I was hot then I was cold.
You were wiggling.
I had heartburn.
I had to pee.
The sheets felt funny to me.
I heard weird noises.
There were glowy lights from the cable box that were bothering me.
I could see the sun starting to rise and it sent me into a panic which made the insomnia so much worse.

By the time Creux arrived in my room with a request for breakfastat 8:30, I was just starting to drift off again.
I woke Daddy and they went away.
And still, I could not sleep.

I'm just too uncomfortable.

So I slugged around the house a bit but mostly I kept sneaking back into my bed, with the gorgeous sun pouring into my room, and the squeals of delight coming from my deck as your siblings played in the new pool we set up for them.

I really didn't leave my bed all day and I hated it.

Now had it been rainy and ugly, I would have been delighted by the opportunity to lounge around.
But as it was, I felt like a sick person who just couldn't be better, despite every reason in the world to try.

This last month has historically been brutal for me and it would seem as though maybe this time it will be the same.
You have either dropped a bit into my pelvis or have simply just grown bigger because you're applying a ton of pressure down there, making it hard for me to walk comfortably at all at this point.
It used to be that at the end of the day I'd struggle but now I'm just struggling in general.
And there's that weird pinching and burning sensation that is getting stronger as your head presses down harder.
It downright hurts but today I was able to throw you off a bit and it would go away when you laid off a bit.
I don't know what that is, I've never felt it before.
But I hate it.

My contractions are different with you, too.
They are not as frequent as I would say that they typically are at 37 weeks for me but the intensity of the contractions are unbelievable.
Using those as a guide, I don't think my labor is going to last very long or be very pleasant for me in general.
I think once it begins, it's going to be fast and hard and I just hope that everyone assembles here in time.
Daddy can get to me in 20 minutes or so but the midwives both need about 40 minutes to an hour if I call them from their homes.  If they're at the office, 30 minutes hopefully.
They should be able to make it...but I don't know.
If I don't catch it early enough, we could have a real issue on our hands!

And that might sound weird, maybe you'd think that I'd automatically know when I'm in labor, but my contractions should increase over the next weeks with frequency and strength, making it difficult for me to know if what I'm feeling is the beginning of something or just more of the same.
Make no mistake though, there will come a contraction that is FAR different from the rest and I will think, "How could I have mistaken those others for THIS?" but by that point, I will not have much time, especially if I start my labor halfway done dilation-wise.

I may request an internal exam at my appointment on Wednesday just so I know where I'm at since we'll be approaching 38 weeks and I should have done some work by that point.
At the same time, I'd rather just be left alone and I'm sure you would, too, so I probably won't make up my mind on that until we get there.

I've already made many parental decisions concerning you at our last meeting with the midwives.
We did a little ask-and-answer question regarding your treatment immediately after birth and this is what was decided:

You will not be receiving the standard post-birth eye drops as I do not have a sexually transmitted disease and that is simply for prevention of transference there.

You will not be receiving a Vitamin K shot unless you have a "tramautic" birth which would typically involve the use of forceps or vacuum.  That shot has been linked to incidence of childhood cancer and if we don't need it, we aren't taking it.

You will not be receiving the Hepatitis B shot as, again, it more of a sexually transmitted disease based vaccine and you are not at risk.
For that matter, you will not be receiving any of the standard vaccinations until Daddy and I feel that something is warranted for you specifically.

Your cord will not be cut until several minutes after birth, when it has finished pulsating. 
I know that sounds totally disgusting.
But it's better for you.
I know because I looked it up.

We have decided (I'm so sorry) that you will be circumsized but are leaning toward having someone VERY SKILLED come to our home for that procedure.  It is better for babies to be circumsized a few days after birth anyway, it's been suggested around day 8 or so, and if you are a boy, I will suffer along with you but feel like this is the best way to handle it.  Our pediatrician will also do it if we'd like to go that route instead.

I have fully researched all of these decisions and do not take any of them lightly--it's an incredibly important job to make health-related decisions for another human being.  But I want you to know that I (we) have made them with what we believe to be your best interests in mind. 

As your mother, I will always make sure that I am informed and know what I'm doing (to the very best of my ability) in regards to your care and will not say "okay" to anything unless I know what it is, why you need it, and what might happen as a result of you getting it or not getting it.
I wish that I had done this better with your three oldest siblings.
But I didn't and luckily no one seems to be any worse for the wear but now, I'm a different mama and am fiercely protective of your little body and what I allow to happen to it.
You can't speak for yourself and since I'm your voice, I feel a terrific responsibility to dig deep for you and procede accordingly.

Still no name.
It's killing me, this no name thing.
But your dad is working hard nightly, staying up late with the baby book, writing down a few things here and there which he shows to me and then watches as I shake my head.
We haven't found it yet.
But it's out there. 
I know it is.

All communications on a girl name have ceased, I'm happy to report.
There is no back-up choice; we're firm on both first and middle.
And THAT is a relief though I really don't think we'll be using it because I just know you're a boy.
I will, however, keep it tight under-wraps just in case there is another little girl in my future at some point...

This is the week that you "should" make an appearance if we're to believe the "five months from the first full week of fetal movement" thing that the midwives tossed out there way back in the winter.
I can't say for sure anything as things change for me daily right now but I don't think you're coming this week.
Typically my body gets a little more hysterical first, upping all of the signs and symptoms of labor until I can barely stand it another day.
But that's how I felt today.
I just felt...stuck.
Tired.
Done.

Should you decide to come, could I just make one eensy-weensy request?
I held off on getting my hair cut and colored for as long as I thought I safely could before risking your arrival and my appointment is Thurday evening.
Listen, I am DESPERATE to get in there.
I waited so long because, since I don't bottle feed, I need to be able to stretch my next appointment to a point where you can last about three hours without me.
If I make it to my appointment on Thursday, I can probably make my next cut and color three months out.
By then, this mama should be able to sneak off and hustle back without you going bananas for a boob.

So while I hate to request that you stick around in there for just a bit longer, could we, if we're going to meet this week, do it sometime after 7:00pm on Thursday?
Thanks so much, sweetie.

Loving you already,
Mama (who is hoping for a really good night's sleep tonight because tomorrow is Father's Day and I simply CAN'T pawn your siblings off on Daddy on his day.)