37 Weeks, 2 Days

And this is where it gets tricky.

I might be leaking fluid, I can't tell.
And ironically, for the first time ever, I was HANDED litmus paper so that I could be sure to test myself when in doubt.
And also ironically, I lost it.
I don't know how.
It was in my medical folder (which is in my possession, also for the first time ever) and now it's not there.
It looked like a simple stick of gum, which is why it probably isn't there anymore.
It wouldn't surprise me a bit if someone had opened my folder (it's lying on my night-table for easy access, right by the damn phone) and made off with the "gum."

I think we're probably fine and was really quite leaning toward just a "wait and see" approach but your Dad insisted on heading to Meijer to see if he could rummage up more litmus paper.

I've had another hard day with you but not quite as bad as yesterday.
Actually no where as bad, to be honest as I was at least out of the bed and communicating with my family.
You are just applying so much pressure down on my pelvic floor that I'm really having trouble getting around.
We were running errands today and I was struggling so much that Daddy looked at me and said, "You may have less time than you think."
Which maybe I do.
Or maybe this is just the way the next 19 days or so are going to go.
It's always questionable at this point, every series of contractions, every twinge of weirdness that could signal the start of labor, every weird drop of wetness that is probably pee but could be amniotic fluid.
That's how it happened with Creux, after all.
Just a bit of wetness, so slight that at first I thought nothing of it.
And then it became clear as the hour went on--I wasn't peeing on myself from baby pressure, I was really and truly leaking fluid!

I think things are probably fine with us right now but Daddy wants to have what we need in case we're not fine in like two hours.
And really, it would be quite stupid for me to NOT check, what with you being my 5th and all.
We need all the heads-up we can get.

I know I said that I didn't think you were coming this week but things are changing so much for me on a daily basis right now.
Two days ago, I was in a much different place than I am now.
I wasn't so uncomfortable, and I don't think you were so low lying.
Now I'm a little more on edge because...well, I'm in my window and things are progressing for sure.
I've had babies ranging from 37 weeks to 39 so it wouldn't necessarily be a stretch for you to come now.
But I just really sort of have it in my head that because the last two were just two days away from their due date that you will be that way as well.
I, however, know nothing for sure.
And neither does anyone else.
I remember having my 37 week check-up with Chas ON THE DAY I turned 37 weeks and I was complaining of contractions.
The doctor checked me, told me I was only dialated to 2 cm and that "it would be at least 10 days."
I went into labor that night and was holding my baby less than 24 hours later.

So I'm feeling good right now, feeling fine, having mild contractions but nothing alarming.
I don't think this is it but we'll know for sure here in just a bit.
If it is, I'm ready.
And if not, I'm still ready.

The only thing missing IS YOUR NAME!
And the damn litmus paper :)

We made a mold of you today for Father's Day.
After spending the afternoon with me barely making it through Costco, we decided to not waste any time on making that mold just in case you decided to come before the next weekend arrives.

The mold is beautiful.

I see it now and I'm in awe that it's me and it's you.
I can't imagine what it will be like years from now, when pregnancies are just a distant memory for me, to be able to touch and feel that big belly and think...what a miracle.
I'm so happy we did this, that I have this amazing keepsake of you.
You may be the fifth baby coming along and there are definitely going to be some drawbacks to that but I have to tell you this:  no one else, not even Chas, has what you have and will continue to have.
No special words from me, no amazingly amazing pregnancy mementos like what we did today.
Everyone has a smattering of photos, of course, but your life will be incredibly documented, and has been right from the beginning.
It's one gift that I am able to give you that is just for you and that you'll be able to say, when the others are teasing you about whatever they will tease you about, "Well, at least Mom wrote me a BOOK!"
You go ahead and say it, darling.
Because I want you to feel pride in that and to know that I'm so happy to create these sort of "living" keepsakes for you.

It is, has been, and will be my absolute pleasure for now and for always.

Now I better go do some "just in case" stuff and should (when) you are set to make your arrival, I will be here as much as I can, writing for you along the way.
I may not get much down if it goes quickly but I'm trying to stay in touch as much as possible so that, when it is time, you will be able to read my thoughts and emotions via my words in "real time."
I've come this far with the journaling and want to finish it the way I started: in it all the way.

Loving you already,
Mama (who, if I am not going to be delivering you this evening, would REALLY like a bit of sleep.)