20 Weeks, 6 Days

Okay, what was up with THAT business last night?
Those arms up all over your face, turning away from us...have you no mercy, child?

For a good half hour, we saw your hands and the sides of your arms.
All perfectly formed, I might add.
Good job there, those are important components to you.
Anyway, we tried for half an hour to get a decent peek at your face and in the 28th minute, you did FINALLY drop your arms and we were able to see fully who you are.

And YOU'RE SO CUTE!
Already there are similarities visible to your siblings which is freakily adorable.
Mostly, you resemble Chas and Greer but I suspect that might be because you are so slight still and those two are my long and leans.
The other two were true bouncing baby boys, coming out swollen, fat, fisted and furious and to this day, remain...sturdy.  (And often times fisted and furious.)

You were bigger than I had thought!
13 ounces (well on your way to a whole pound!) and 11 inches long--the whole of you wouldn't fit in our hands anymore which was sort of shocking.
I sometimes just imagine you as this teensy little thing and you are definitely teensy but not in the same context of my imaginings.

It was amazing to watch you on the screen and since you took so darn long showing yourself, we had quite a lengthy show.
You were in constant motion, with those hands and fingers and arms touching your face and shielding your eyes.  In the middle of the session, you simply changed positions, literally the fetal equivalent of getting up and walking away.  I felt you start to shift and then watched as you just rolled away, turning your back to us and settling into a new position.
You're upside down which is just about as bizarre to me as you living in a bag of water.
All of which doesn't hold a candle to the fact that you're INSIDE MY BODY.

I was a little fearful of seeing you in such clear resolution because...I was afraid that it would make the rest of the wait unbearable. 
And in the moment, it kind of did.
It's hard to see you like that, all perfectly formed and seemingly whole, and to not have immediate access to you.
I just wanted to hold you, just for a minute, just to see you in person, to feel your tiny self in my arms and then I'd have been happy to hand you back so you could finish growing.
Ah, but it doesn't work like that :)
And we can't meet yet so don't get any ideas, which I know you won't, because you CLEARLY do not follow directions well.

Real fast, let's just recap on what I said the other day.
"Keep your privates private" and something along the lines of "don't be shy!"
And what do you do?
You lay there showing the world your goodies which is just peachy in the dark of your waters but not so great when someone is illuminating your home!
Knowing that you were laying like that had me on edge the entire time we were in the office because I was so afraid you were going to flash your bits and then we'd know more than we want to know!

You kept moving so much too that the tech would remove the wand briefly so that you could adjust before we were watching in real-time.  At the end, when she measured you, the big screen was turned off and the screen next to the tech was moved away from me so I didn't get to see your belly and only a glimpse of your feet when she'd snapped a photo of them to freeze for us.
You have cute feet, by the way.

I have to say this though, and it's so perfectly me, so perfectly in tune with how my other pregnancies have gone, and it's part of the reason why I love not knowing your gender:
Now I think you're a boy.

Your hands are big and girth-y. 
We call them "mitts" over here because Rhyse and Creux have them and "hooves" for feet, to match.
But mostly it was seeing your face--you looked like a boy to me.
You looked like Chas.
And when I was watching you, I wasn't feeling "girl", I was just feeling "boy."

I couldn't really tell from the tech either which I really appreciated since she knew the very second she peeked at you and she knew that we did not want to know.
But it's very strange to know that someone else knows who you are, to sit and talk to them about "him or her" with the knowledge that she is the only one in the room who is positive of your gender. 
To her, you weren't one or the other, you were only one.
She knew what my new family picture looked like.
That was weird.

She looked at you on her own screen first to see what your position was and she was like, "Okay, yeah, I absolutely can not guarantee that you will not accidentally see something that you don't want to see."
Which made me think you might be a boy because...well, you probably wouldn't SEE so much on a girl.
It would be more the lack of seeing.
But she also could have been saying it just because you weren't hiding anything.
Free as a bird, in there you are. 
Free as a bird.

Either way, it's fun for me to flip back and forth because once you're born, I will no longer imagine these different gender scenarios.  Some days I fit another little girl in here and build this new life around her, and then other days, I try on a boy and imagine stepping on Matchbox cars for another eight years.
It's a delight, truly, and the excitement just builds as we get closer.

I think I'll figure it out though towards the end, I really do.
I mentioned before that my pregnancy with Greer was the best, the easiest for me, and I think part of it was because she wasn't as big (only 7lbs, 14 oz) and she wasn't as crazy.
My boys just seem to be boys right from the get-go.
For example, I will not birth a 6 lb baby boy.
I know I did with Chas but he was three weeks early! 
Rhyse, at even ten days early, was already 8lbs and 5 oz. 
Another ten days and he would've been the size of a Thanksgiving turkey.

And with Creux, I could barely walk by the end. 
He was just so big and heavy and had tons of pent-up energy, was constantly squirming and even very late in pregnancy, he'd force a position change.
My entire belly would be rearranged and it was visible!
One minute it would hold one shape and then next, the shape would be totally different!
(By the end, my belly tends to be stretched so taunt that it molds around my infants.  My sister thinks it's the creepiest thing ever.)

So we'll see.
I'm currently in the "I don't know WHAT it is" stage of pregnancy.
Might be a girl, is probably a boy.
That's a good summation today.

Your due date is back to the 9th of July but I'm sticking with my own calculations for the purposes of this book.  Your conception date would bring you to me by the 8th but I'm not going to complain if you're measuring more towards the 9th.  That means your a smidge smaller than you should be for an 8th arrival.  Fine by me.
Grow well but don't feel like you've got to break any records here.
Nine pounds is out of the question, I'd like you to know.
I will NOT be a happy camper about that move.
I'm simply not big enough of a person myself to be producing these large, sausage-y babies and each one of you gets bigger than the last. 

And oh my good grief, if you give me stretch marks on my belly after none of your siblings did...
I don't even want to finish that sentence.
I give enough to my children, I happily hand over my body for ten months and my soul for a lifetime but let's not push the limits there, hmmm?
You do not want to be the first newborn who finds themself grounded upon arrival, am I right?

(I'm only joking.  About the grounding.  Am as serious as a heart attack on the stretch mark thing.  Do not go there.  I mean, I'm sure I'd get over it..in time...with therapy...;))

It was wonderful to see you last night and it hasn't been lost on me that the next time I lay eyes upon you, you'll likely be here. 
With me.
Mine, finally and for always.

Loving you already,
Mama