18 Weeks, 1 Day

We're leaving for our vacation in the morning but I wanted to make sure I hopped on here tonight to write to you about our latest midwives appointment!

Yesterday was the first time we'd taken your siblings and everyone was in attendance except Chas, who doesn't miss his gym class for ANYTHING barring your birth. 
He really likes gym is what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, the three others finally were able to meet Abby and Jill and it's just such a lovely place to bring children.  There are toys all over for little hands to grab and the small staff is very, very kid-friendly.  The whole office is situated with families in mind and it's obvious, from the abundance of toys scattered about to the Resource Room where women can freely swap maternity and baby items (you take what you want, you bring in what you want) to the over-stuffed and VERY comfy couches that we sit upon for our appointments. 
I drank hot tea with Jill while we talked and when it was time to examine me (you), I just laid on the couch for my measurements and to hear your heartbeat.

WHICH, by the way, was nice and strong.
Would you quit freaking me out like that, please?
You clocked in at 144 beats per minute and were heard literally the second the Doppler hit my belly.  Jill then tried a fetoscope to hear you, which is sort of like a stethoscope but is way funkier, and couldn't.
You're too wee still.
Jill also tried to lock down your position by squishing my belly all over the place but couldn't determine your angle.  It's okay though.  At least we know you're in there!

When I arrived, I checked my urine (no protein) and weighed myself.
I gained three pounds in five weeks, putting me in the range of the 9-13 expected at this point.
Though I bought my own scale last month, I don't use it.
It's as annoying and unreliable as I had always assumed it would be.
I can tell I've gained though, it doesn't take a scale to tell me that, just a mirror :)
I can feel the difference in my body when I shower or put on lotion and in my face when I slide my hands over it.  It's just slightly fleshier, all of it.
My weight gain will start to pick up here soon as we'll BOTH be logging some extra pounds in the next half of this pregnancy!  You're just starting to lay down some of your own fat.  Me, I'm good.

That extreme fatigue from last week is gone which has been nice.
I've been super busy trying to get ready to leave for this trip and had been worried about my energy being there for me.  You must be done with your super big spurt and are back to just hanging out in there, growing still but not quite so aggressively.

It's weird how much more sensitive my body is these days to things like that of which you're going through.
I don't remember ever noticing that particular growth spurt before with any of the others--but then again, I'm paying closer attention this time because I'm not just running on auto-pilot.
What I mean by that is that since this birth is going to be so different, it's led to a complete mental over-haul of my own pregnancy expectations and participations.
No, I don't religiously read my Week-by-Week book from cover to cover like I did with Chas.
But I also no longer just show up for appointments expecting nothing...and like I said, running on auto-pilot.  Sometimes that mindset of "been there, done that" gets in the way, or maybe has gotten in the way in the past, and this time it's gone.
My appointments are an hour long each of them, not the 15-20 minutes of a standard doctor appointment.
We talk more in depth about pregnancy issues than I ever have before.
So...I'm very in-tune with my body right now and with you, as a result.
It's really quite...refreshing.
I feel like I've been given a gift of some kind, one that has insisted that I not take a second of this phase with you for granted, just because I've done it four times before.
I'm grateful for that.

I mentioned to them that you're movements have been detectable to me for the past two weeks which places you around a June 22 arrival date.
It will be very interesting to see how accurate that is because my last two babies have been so very on-time due date wise, coming only two days early!
I'm not anticipating you early for some reason.
Personally, I happen to think I feel you really well because I'm by nature a thin person and there's very little separating us and I'm well versed with baby bangings.
Because they advocate a very hands-off approach (with little to no intervention on their part), I'm actually quite concerned that you might be late!
For the others, I've had weekly internal examinations during that last month of pregnancy and even a few rounds of membrane stripping to prompt labor.  (I've only done that at 39 weeks, mind you, and I was tired of laboring and just waiting for the birth trigger at like 5 cm dilated.  It was half over in my mind and I needed a little help.  I may request this again but I'm going to TRY and leave you alone.  I get anxious though and beaten down by my month long labor.  No promises.)

By carefully going through each of my previous births, we've determined that on average, I have about three hours from start to finish, from the first "serious" contraction to you lying in my arms.
This both scares me and encourages me.

The scary part is that, should labor begin how it has with Chas and Greer, my eyes will just snap open in the middle of the night and it will be go time. 
It's as dramatic as they make it seem in the movies, truly.
Because I am always already half-way done before I even start, when I do start, there's no messing around.
Normally I can barely make it through the shower and car ride to the hospital, I'm so consumed with the contractions.

I don't have a lot of time to get my head in the game and that's what worries me the most.

I don't have hours in which to prepare myself and calm my nerves and walk the neighborhood trying to progress labor.
I have hard labor from the second I realize what is happening until the end.
I wish I had more time.
I feel like I need more time just to get my bearings.
But realistically, I just don't get it.

Creux's birth was a bit different because I was leaking fluid but not in labor when I noticed that.  However, when I arrived at the hospital and my contractions picked up, they were every bit as serious as the ones with Chas and Greer.  I just don't have the beginning time that other women often have, where they realize they're starting labor but aren't in a terrible amount of pain.
This will be my biggest hurdle--getting myself in a mental state where I can manage my discomfort right off the bat.

The good news is that I can tolerate ANYTHING for just three hours!
Can't I?
I mean, really.
Can't I?
If I think back to Greer, which was my fastest, hardest labor, I knew I'd made it to 8cm and just had a teensy bit to go (like 20 minutes as it would turn out) but wow, I was climbing the walls.
I'll admit that I was freaking out in the worst of ways--I held it together until I knew there were people there to help me and then I gave up.
I remember grabbing the nurse's sleeve and begging her, "Please, please...give me something, whatever you have, please give it to me." 
She did, plus I received an epidural.
But both were useless to me; Greer was just coming too fast.
So...I know I can do this.  I know I can. 
I think I'll hate it, I know I'll hate the pain. (Truthfully, I am NOT a good candidate for a home birth because I am a s-i-s-s-y.  I am not one of those warrior birth women.  I am passionate across the board--in love and in extreme dislike, in happiness and anger...and in pain.  I feel it all.  Loudly and thoroughly.)

Knowing the time frame helps me to prepare though and while it may end up being misleading, I know in the moment I will be watching the clock counting down the minutes of my three hour long torture session :)  I won't be timing contractions, I'll be timing how much time I have left!

Also, I'm rethinking the water birth scenerio as honestly, I don't know that we'll even have time to get everything situated!  Plus, if I'm in my bedroom I can labor in my shower under the hot water and that's really all I need for pain relief.  I can just wobble to the bed when it's time to meet you. 
This just sounds less complicated to me and I like that.

They've told me to envision many different birth scenarios--times of day, activities of choice, settings, etc. and to try and get comfortable with a few.
In my ideal scenario, it's day time, not the wee hours of morning.  (Both of my spontaneous labors occured around 4-5 am.) 
And it's not SO fast that I don't have some time to kill.  I really don't like waking up from a sleep and realizing that I'm about to give birth.  That's not so fun and it's scary.  Like I said, it leaves very little time for mental prep and I NEED to prep myself this time.
So in my free time, in my ideal birth situation, I prepare your things.
A little knit cap, a new sleeping sack, a soft blankey.
I'm outside a bit with my kids, sitting on the front porch swing, laboring there but not obviously so.
It is, by the way, a gorgeous day.
I'm with my kids, just doing normal things...cutting up strawberries, popping by my blog to update, watching them have fun on the driveway or just biking right out front.
And then I hit the shower, have a few pieces of chocolate and...there you are!  :)

This is highly unlikely.
I know already.
But if pressed for an ideal birth day, that would be it.
Ordinary but extraordinary.

I'm going to blink and we'll be 20 weeks.
Then we'll be counting down, not up.

I can't wait to meet you.

Loving you already,
Mama