20 Weeks, 3 Days

You're ever so swiftly entrenching yourself into my present day thinking these days.

I suppose at the beginning there, it just feels like there's so much time before you'll become a living and breathing reality and now...you are a reality for me.
Certainly, being able to feel you adds a tremendous mental and emotional connection as you don't let me forget your presence for long and maybe that's why you're "here but not here" in my thinking.

Today, for example, we were researching our last family vacation before your arrival.  We're considering going to a place that we've been before, somewhere that we loved and have been wanting to get back to for almost four years now.  When discussing the different condo units, I was leaning heavily towards the ground floor one (though we would really prefer a good view of the ocean from higher up) because we'd be able to sit on the patio, watch the kids play in the pool, with your monitor right there on the outdoor dining table.
I imagined sitting out there at night, letting your siblings swim in the pool illuminated with colored lights, while you snoozed a few feet away, safe and comfy in the condo.  MAYBE I'd even have a glass of wine, poolside.  (Yippee!)

The last time we visited this resort, we had a sixth floor unit (that's the highest available) that directly over-looked the pool which was awesome because we could see the boys swimming right below us (and my mom was there during that trip but this time, both boys are old enough to swim without us having to sit right there). 

But I remember seeing the ground floor units scattered with little pool toys behind their private gate and I thought...wow, that would be so convenient!  We could slip in and out of the unit for meals or for naps or whatever and yet be just a few steps away from the pool at all times!  Since we travel off-season, we aren't anticipating a huge crowd down there or else neither of us would want the ground floor unit.  And as it was, Daddy still initially preferred a higher rental but I pushed for your sake. 
"But the baby could sleep just feet away from us and neither one of us would have to spend the afternoon in the condo!  Using a monitor, we could just sit on the patio and be able to hear the baby while still being totally accessible to the other kids."

I pitched this hard, won my point...and then rememebered that YOU AREN'T A PART OF THIS VACATION!
I'm so caught up in you, you, you that I planned you right in there where you aren't going to be! 
In May when we're looking to go away, you should be super snug in my incubator, not chillin' poolside! 

It was sort of this way for me last night, too.  During family movie, we were all sprawled on various couches and as I laid on mine, I looked over to where your baby swing will eventually go and thought...soon there will be someone rocking away over there. 
The table and lamp will disappear and in its place will be a swinging newborn. 

And as I thought and thought, I imagined you, brand-new you, no longer in your swing but curled up on your tummy, sleeping on my chest, not a care in the world.  I could literally feel your tiny weight on me, the heat of your small body, the slight panting of your brand-new breathing, the baby squeaks you'd make when I shifted positions and gently disturbed your snoozing.

You are very real to me now and oh my goodness, I am excited.

Since I last wrote, I've been busy searching for your name.  Interestingly, the more I look, the more I'm drawn back to my original choices for you which is surprising because I really thought I was kind of letting go of those!  But I guess in the back of my mind, I compare everything I come across to the initial candidates and so far, there's no competition. 
So maybe I'm back to where I started?
Of course, the hunt has just begun but I sort of know what I'm looking for in a name and can eliminate most immediately, at first glance.
I think I'm really going to have to do some unearthing here if I'm going to find "unique but not weird."

For the first time, I'm more ambivalent on your gender!  I still think you're a girl but am less certain as the days go on. 
Have I mentioned before that I'm always wrong on my babies though?
I'm usually wrong from my first assumption but I typically guess correctly there by the end.

I remember the exact moment that I was pretty positive that Creux was a boy.
It came to me in a dream, as most interesting things do when one is pregnant. 
Dreaming during pregnancy is what I assume an acid trip must be like--I've never experienced one myself but I imagine it's kind of like being Alice in Wonderland. 
At least that's how I feel in my dreams.
Things are just...strange and surreal, true but false, full of symbolism, highlighting fears and concerns in a myriad of ways, but mostly never directly.
It's like the real stuff is there but it's buried under a bunch of fraud and if you can sort that stuff out, you can sort of get to what's really being communicated.
Sounds confusing, doesn't it?
(Try living it! :))

Anyway, in this dream of mine, I was walking out to my mailbox on a gorgeously bright afternoon.
It was a hot day, and I remember I was wearing a tank top and flip-flops.  (I can't recall how far long I was with him at the time but I know it was post the 20 week mark and my guess is it was in the late part of my pregnancy--putting me in the midst of summer.)

I reached the mailbox, opened it, and started sorting through the mail right there at the end of the driveway.  (This was when we lived in the house that Daddy grew up in.)
So I was standing there, sorting, sorting, sorting and I pulled out an envelope addressed to "Henry Martin."
We obviously do not have a Henry and that name was never a contender, for the record.
But I remember holding the letter in my dream and understanding exactly what it meant to me in real life:
My baby was a boy.

I've had no such letter from you just yet but would love it if you'd drop me a line.
Come on, you can tell me!
Send me something--I'll never tell.

Mmmm, actually, I take that back.
Since this is your story, I probably WILL tell so don't send me anything unless you really want me to know. 
I'm calling tomorrow to schedule our next meet-and-greet with you and I DO NOT want you to send me a visual during the ultrasound.

Let me be clear on this point: you can send me a letter because that's still very unofficial and is absolutely subject to interpretation but you can not send me a close-up visual of your baby bits because I don't want to positively know anything about you! 
I like the surprise!

In summary:
Letter = good
Flashing = bad

Got that?

Loving you already,
Mama (who really means business on this--keep your privates private!)
(And who also will be checking the dream mail neurotically from now until July.)