20 Weeks, 4 Days

Funny, every time I sit down to write you, you immediately stir.

That's not even how I was going to open this post but the very second my bottom hit the couch, you popped up as I was opening my web page.
(Hi there, cutie!)

I forgot to tell you this yesterday.
I'm REALLY starting to enjoy people's reactions to the information that you are baby number five.
They're, like, astounded by that number.
I mean it.
Like jaw-droppingly astounded.

Take for example the receptionist at my dentist's office.
She's new so she hasn't seen me in there for the last year or else I wouldn't have been able to play with her like I did.
Mama can be so devilish sometimes.
(In my defense, remember--I was in tooth pain.)

So I walk into the office and tell her my name and watch while she searches and searches for my appointment in her book.

"I'm an emergency," I say, hoping that will move her along because I really wanted to just see my dentist and have him do something fast.

"Oh!" she said, "You're the pregnant person!"

Mmm.  Yes.  I'm the pregnant person apparently.

I sort of laughed, confirmed that I was indeed a person, who was indeed pregnant, and then watched her glance in your direction.

On this day, I'd worn a hoodie sweatshirt and matching lounge pants which hid you quite well.  In most clothing, you are obvious but in this one outfit, you really aren't.  (And I wasn't there for a glamour sitting, I because I was in agony.  Agony requires comfortable clothing.)

"How far along are you?  They said five months but I don't even see a belly at all!  This must be your first!  Is this your first?"

I don't know what came over me, it must've been the pain, but I kind of felt wicked.  And I knew what was coming because the second I say the number "five", I'm telling you again, people just do not know how to respond.

I leaned in closer to her desk and stage whispered, "No. It's my FIFTH!"
And then I widened my eyes and dropped my jaw in perfect synchronization with hers.
Like, "Can you even BELIEVE this???" 

She did not disappoint and I felt a little bit funnier in general.
I wasn't being mean to her, I was just enjoying her amazement.
I know five is a lot. 
(Five is a lot, Baby.  You'll see.  You'll see me frazzle out daily, you'll learn what "nervous breakdown" means, along with "looney bin" and "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!"  All just a normal part of the day around here, nothing to worry about though.  I've got it, really I do.)

In honesty, though people are definitely surprised by my number, they are also very intrigued and seem genuinely interested in the workings of our world, in a kind way.  If I'm feeling particularly ornery I'll tell them that we homeschool and that just puts them right over the edge, that little tidbit!  I usually give them time to recover from the whole "five" thing and then they'll ask about school or something and I'll say off-hand "Oh well, we homeschool" and that starts the whole eye-popping, jaw-dropping thing over again but this time they're slightly taken aback.

They think I'm WEIRD!
And Catholic!
Haha!
(Which, by the way, I am--both weird and Catholic.  Well, Catholic-ish. That's a long story.  But the weird part, definitely :))


There seems to have been a dietary casualty from all of my early pregnancy barfing and it's Chinese food.
Well, I should clarify that.
It's actually the take-out Chinese food from down the street.
We've now had it twice since I last got sick on it and both times I could barely eat it.
It's the one meal that takes me precisely back to the memory of the heaving, the crying, the horrible wretching.
I don't know if I can get past it.
Too bad, too.
That was good Chinese food!

I had a thought about you today that wasn't regarding dream mail but it was kind, I think, symbolic in the same way.
I was driving Chas to art and was mentally calculating how many days your due date is after my birthday.
It's ten.
And my thought was, "Wow, all of us girls are going to have birthdays right there together, within two weeks of each other!"

The thought was so knee-jerk, so subconscious that it definitely makes me think I'm on the right page with you!  It just seemed so natural to think of "us girls" as a threesome--me, Greer and you--and I realized at the moment that I really do deep down believe that you're another daughter for me!  (And my apologies if you are a boy.  I'm always wrong, didn't I say that?)

Maybe it was my second-guessing your gender yesterday, maybe it was my plea for dream mail, I don't know.
But I feel like maybe that was your version of my dream mail, maybe your message to me.
(Was it?  WAS IT?)
Look, I don't have my hopes up for one gender or another. 
I'd be just as thrilled to give Creux a best friend as I would to give Greer a human baby doll :)
But that doesn't mean that I am any less excited to find out!
I just don't want to be told by someone looking at you on a screen; I just feel like it'd be super anti-climatic and I really enjoy the moment of the unveiling.

If you tell me, YIPPEE!
But no one else is allowed.

Which brings me to...
We're going to see you tomorrow!
I called today and we have an appointment at 4:25 to do some up close and personal baby ooglin'!
The kids are all very excited and me, I can't wait.
You were half and inch long the last time we looked at you.  I remember saying your foot was the size of my pinky fingernail.
You're now about seven and a half inches long, and weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of nine ounces.
So you've grown a bit and I'm really looking forward to checking you out again.

Remember now: keep your privates private!
(I'm nervous about this because Daddy and I are quite adept at reading those ultrasounds these days!  We have no problem seeing things for what they are anymore (though with Chas, it truly may have been an alien reading--we couldn't tell a hand from his head!) so I'm paranoid about an accidental finding out of something.)

The pain in my pelvic bones is becoming more pronounced, I'm having cramps in my feet (what's up with THAT?) and I can no longer sleep an entire night without waking to pee.
The downhill slide already? Boy, this is early....

Loving you already,
Mama (who will likely have a hard time sleeping tonight due to extreme giddiness over visiting with you tomorrow)