17 Weeks, 3 Days

Can you hear them?
I think maybe you can.
You seem to be a little more aware of your surroundings.
Or, well, MY surroundings.

I noticed the other morning that when they were all leaping and bounding and squealing in my bed while I was trying to coax myself from my cozy perch, you seemed to wake up too.
And I thought...hmmm.
Have they finally broken through to you?
Have you grown so much already that you can hear all of them?

They are disturbers of peace and I'm here to make a formal apology and it's going to be sincere.
It might sound like a joke and it sort of is, but at the same time...it's not.

It's really loud here.
REALLY LOUD.
And it will likely completely over-whelm your small system and send you straight into shock shortly after your arrival.
(This happens to most guests so don't feel bad.)

There is very little I can do about the noise level.
I have tried and failed and if they're waking you now while you're as snug as a snail, then God help you, child.
Because they aren't going to quiet any time soon.

When Creux arrived, he flipped out.
And I mean, flipped out.
The first few days weren't so bad but I really think that he was completely fried by day four of existance.
He wailed miserably, was nearly inconsolable at times, and the only thing that could calm him...was me.
He was the first newborn that we'd ever had to show a preference for a parent.
I never knew a newborn HAD a preference.

But Charlie would try and help, he'd try and relieve me...he'd walk the halls with that baby, he'd swaddle, he'd bounce and coo.
And he was screamed at mercilessly.
I would sit on the couch, exhausted, sick to death of nursing (by day FOUR, I was sick to death....that was indication number one that I was in for some serious trouble), praying silently that Creux would just...stop...screaming.
It was hard.

Some would say it was colic perhaps but...I don't know about that.
I suppose I associate colic more with a dietary issue and I'm pretty careful when nursing newborns.
I know what the triggers are and I avoid them.

If you want my honest opinion, (and I know you do, right?), I think he was totally stressed out from this environment.
His arriving in early October did not provide me with much opportunity to just lounge about for weeks and weeks enjoying my new baby.
In fact, I think I was cheering on the sidelines of a soccer game two days after giving birth to him.
It was a busy time, the busiest time of our year, but also...this is a busy family you're getting.

And they will love you to pieces and they will not ever leave you alone.
You'll be constantly touched and caressed and sometimes poked and probably pinched (I'm so sorry, so, so sorry about that) but mostly they'll just be swarming your area.
Because, see, you will be with me.
Constantly.
And I rarely let go of my newborns, especially just after their arrival.
I want to be with you and I know you want to be with me.
I know that my body offers you tremendous comfort and security so I hold, and hold, and hold.
When we have to go out, you're tucked in a sling and kept close to my heart.
(I do this to keep you near me, to keep my hands free but also to keep others at a distance.  Newborns bring out my mama bear and I don't like for you to be too accessible.  Strangers are much less likely to approach and touch you if you're strapped in close to me.  This becomes terrifically more important during cold and flu season because people love to fondle baby hands...but then you stick them in your mouth and...voila!  You're snotty and miserable for days.  Family and friends will yank you right out of the sling, they don't care!  But neither do I--family and friends have earned their baby snatching rights.  Others...not so much. Warning though:  we have lots of family and friends.  Sorry again.)

Anyway, I know it's probably startling to have them jar you out of a perfectly good slumber in there but it's something you might want to come to terms with :)
They'll either be loving you silly or fighting like cats and dogs one foot from your eardrum.
That's the way it goes, sweet stuff....


I sort of started preliminary shopping for you the other day.
I saw a post somewhere on organic swaddling blankets and I thought....oh, what a lovely gift to buy you!
So much of what you'll have, forever and for always, will be hand-me-downs.  (I'm going to spend this entire post apologizing, I can tell already.)
And you won't need a "going home outfit" since you'll be here already so what could be better than a brand-new blanket?!?
I didn't buy anything yet but it was super thrilling to just be poking around for the most perfect snuggler for you.
Things like that make this all very, very real to me.
Not that you're not real, you are, but it's sort of a delayed reality type thing.
I think of you in terms of the future.
But to start really bringing you "into" my life by way of small things here and there...it brings you closer to me.

You have more definite waking and sleeping patterns now and I absolutely feel you every day, all during the day.  For the longest time, I had to be lying really still in order to secure a tap but now I can be doing just about anything and I'll know when you've woken up.
Sometimes I'll say that, sometimes I'll announce, "The baby's awake," just so everyone can feel a little more involved, so that can know that you're around, a part of it all.
But at other times, I'll keep it to myself.
You'll wake and I'll notice but will be having a conversation with someone and I'll be listening but at the same time, my thoughts are with you.
I often like to keep your goings-on private.
It's sweet sometimes: just you and me.

You're awake right now, actually; you just stirred as I was writing that! Your little thumps and bumps make me smile--it's so reassuring to me to feel you.

What else is new?

You're the size of a banana.
I, however, am not.
I can no longer get in and out of bed with ease, I have to roll out of it, feeling like a moron.
I need help to get from the floor to a standing position.
I had to finally swap bras.  Bye-bye sexy VS, hello maternity boulder-holder.
I have decided to swap back after writing that.  I'll just make it fit.
My hair is like a lion's mane, it won't stop growing, and my fingernails need clipped constantly.
I'm still tired but am definitely feeling better than I was heading into last week.
Shaving my legs in the shower is starting to annoy me.
I can no longer really see my bikini line.  Which is SCARY since when I'm looking, I'm usually wielding a razor.
However, the thought of a waxing makes me break out into a cold sweat. 
But then this thought makes me believe that I really can get through natural childbirth because it's GOT to be better than that.  If given the choice between the two, I'd choose labor every time.
Buuuuut, I can probably finagle a mani-pedi PLUS a prenatal massage out of it, if I book a wretched hair removal appointment.
Thinking.
Enticed, but passing for now.
Have not hit desperation yet nor have I sliced anything.
Matter to be reconsidered in exactly one month.

All in all, I'm hanging in there!
We have an appointment this week with the midwifes-- four weeks have passed so quickly, I can't believe it's time again!
I used to really be annoyed at these montly check-ups because they were so pointless at the doctor's office.
Weight, urine, blood pressure, "questions?"
But these appointments are like gab sessions with friends.
And normally, Daddy doesn't come for any appointments except for the two that feature ultrasounds.  (This has always been my choice; he would come if asked but I just never felt like it was worth his time.  The appointments were THAT pointless.)
But he comes to all of these!  We're in this together and he's going to be heavily involved all the way--plus there's so much information exchanged that it's important that he be there. 

Am more solid on my bedroom as your birthing room but am less solid on family involvement.
I just had a long discussion with my friend Tammy, who birthed her fourth and final baby at home, and she sort of opened my mind a little to things regarding your siblings.
I had been prepared to shoo them, to keep them close at hand, but not wanting anyone around during your birth.
I'm afraid that I will scare them.
But her policy was that her kids were free to come and go as they pleased, no one was pressured to stay and no one was forced to leave.  She bought them all disposable cameras and let them photograph their little sister's first moments and what she ended up with was three different perspectives caught on film.

Maybe I'll poll the kids and get their thoughts.
I'm very undecided.

I'll still need someone here to help with them--Creux's too little to be given free reign around the house and I don't want to stick that responsibility on Chas.
I do have thoughts about that, about who I want here to help, and it's not going to be a popular decision.
I am absolutely going to piss off some people.
But I'm not going through this to make others comfortable or happy.
I need to focus on what's best for my kids, me, and the situation at hand and make decisions accordingly.
I just know that I don't want a crew of people in my house during your birth.
It's truly a private, almost sacred experience for me, and I don't feel bad for not wanting a crowd of loving people right there when you're born.
I'm simply not comfortable with that.
And perhaps this sounds awful but...I don't want to share the experience.
It's private and it's mine.
After you're here and we're both settled, we'll open our doors to close family and friends, just as we would in the hospital.
But I'm being really careful here not to cross my own personal  boundaries.

This discussion to be continued as I sort things out.
I didn't think this would be as big of a deal as it's shaping up to be but it requires careful consideration on my part.

You're up again.
You went quiet for a bit but now you're rousing.
I'm going to go lay on the couch and be with you for awhile.

Loving you already,
Mama