16 Weeks, 2 Days

I've been quiet because you've been quiet.

You were freaking me out a little.

I had been feeling you for the last few weeks, most definitely sporadically but still pretty regularly.
And then you went still on me.
Honestly, I kept thinking I was maybe feeling you but I'd only get one small, soft tap...and then you were gone.  I could never verify with that second, more reaffirming touch.
It was driving me crazy.

I know I mentioned before that those early, early weeks are so hard and paranoia-inspiring because other than waiting for some really horrible sign, there's no way to truly confirm if you're okay or not, if you're still growing or not.
But this stage is hard too, for the example I've just laid out.
I feel you, I feel you, I feel you...I don't feel you.

My paranoia swooped in again, after two stunning belly blows from Creux paired with your silence.
He doesn't understand that he needs to be careful with me, more careful than ever before.
He doesn't know that jumping on my belly while I'm snoozing in bed will cause me not only to wail in pain (that REALLY does not feel great at all--my belly is super tender) but will cause me to spend the next three days contemplating what might have happened to you.
(Logically, I know you're well protected in there.  However, this is not a time of high logic for me.  I anguish over these things right now.)

It wasn't until last night that I really and truly felt you enough to breathe a sigh of relief.
You're still there and you're fine.
You were just...chillin' :)

Once we left our first trimester, the odds of you making it to "viability" increased significantly in our favor but bad things happen.
Just the other day I learned of someone whose baby was at the same gestation as you, and she lost her amniotic fluid somehow.  The hearbeat was heard for a few days after the fact but then it stopped.
I myself have a very close friend who suffered a devastating loss in the middle of her pregnancy so...I know it happens.
I just don't ever want it to happen that close to me again.

I don't believe in a God who takes babies like that because He needs them more than we do.
And I don't believe in the pat phrases that come with those losses...
"It was meant to be."
"Everything happens for a reason."
 "It's probably for the best."

What I believe in is bad luck.
And that's all I happen to believe goes wrong sometimes.
So, I'm not immune to that.
I just want the odds to stay stacked in my favor here.
And even though this will get better for me, I won't truly breathe a sigh of relief until you're in my arms, safe and sound.

Actually, I may never breathe a sigh of relief.
You babies grow into rambunctious toddlers, mischevious preschoolers, devilish grade schoolers, scheming high schoolers.

Hmm.
So yeah, pretty much I'll worry forever.
Boy, that's fun to realize ;)

This should be the last of the "wait, what happened???" paranoia for awhile though!
From weeks 16-20, you will more than double both your weight (you're at 3.5ounces or thereabouts now) and your length (about 4.5 inches) so by the end of this period, when you move, I'll know it.
You're about the size of my open hand.
Isn't that the cutest thing ever?
I could hold you in my hand.
(Uh, though I do not wish to do so.  You stay put.)

Last night you were up a lot, especially considering how quiet you've been.
But you were awake and bouncing around while I was trying to get to sleep.
It reminded me of being really, really pregnant with Creux, who was as active in-utero as he is now.
He would try and literally beat his way out.
It was so bad for me that when I would wake in the middle of the night and have to pee really, really, REALLY bad, I'd tiptoe to the bathroom and make very little noise for fear of waking him.  I remember Charlie asking me something once and I hissed, "SHHH!  You're going to wake the baby up!"
I suppose it seemed strange at the time, most definitely to him, but once Creux woke, he'd mess around in there for AGES and I would lie in the dark, willing him to go back to sleep and to stop pounding on me.
It never worked, by the way.
I never managed to not wake him, no matter how carefully I got out of bed and how quiet I was.

(I swore I wouldn't ask for anything from you except that you would grow strong and healthy but...can I ask just one thing?  Can you be a chill baby for me?  I'm due; I'm really, really due.   If you could come out and be strong and healthy and super relaxed and happy....I swear I'll never ask for another thing.  Well, maybe there will be just one or two things over the years but I'm your mother and I'm allowed to change the rules here and there.  But please?  Will you be my chill baby?  PLEASE???)

Anyway, we're not quite at that point with each other as you're knockings don't necessarily keep me awake right now. 
You're just midgie, still.
And you've not managed to find my kidneys yet which is a MAJOR bonus.


There's been a new development in the naming department and it's that we're likely going back to the drawing board.
Your Maybe Girl name has emerged on a tv show, if you can freaking believe that crap.
GAH.
I'm SO annoyed because when that happens, it just brings popularity to the name and this is one that I have loved since like FOREVER and have rather had my heart set on it (Creux would have been this) so I'm not sure what we'll do.  We're both in agreement on this type of stuff and when Daddy heard it, he said, "Well, that might be it for that name."  And I groaned because truly I don't want some uber popular baby name for my babies.  I don't want a popular name AT ALL.

So, I'm digging.
Boy and Girl names are now less certain and I hate that.
Since we usually go "out" just a little with our names, I like to spend some time getting to know it myself and making really, really sure it fits well.  I'm always looking for baby names, even when I'm years from having another.  I'll scribble something I hear or see on my hand if I have to in order to get it home and in a safe place for future consideration.  I've learned to do this the hard way because the names I like are so uncommon typically that I will forget them and no one will ever be able to jog my memory.  I can't bear to think of all the potentials I've lost over the years.
Sigh.
So you're officially nameless.
And I STILL think you are a girl.

Speaking of girls, Greer and I spent the morning dancing like fools in the schooling room.  We love to do this, we turn on the music and crank it really loud and dance, dance, dance together all over the place.
I had to wonder...what must you think of all that activity going on with me bouncing and swinging and swaying and singing?  It's funny to imagine you in there, arms braced to the sides of your little water bag, like "WHAT in the world is she doing????" 
Or better, you just rocking along in there, doing your own little tumbles and moves right along with us.

You're so cute I can't stand it.

Loving you already,
Mama