15 Weeks, 3 Days

Boy, the weeks are just ticking away for me.
Once I got over that sickness hurdle, where every day felt, truly, like three, now they're just flying by.

By the end of this week, we'll be four months along already and starting the last month of the first part of our pregnancy.
At 20 weeks, I'll be at the half way point and that's just a month away!

I simply can't believe how quickly time is passing and my guess is, as our family comes out of winter hibernation (it's slowing begun), it will only pick up.

You're growing as fast as the days as passing. It seems every time I wake up, my belly protrudes just a wee bit more. My regular shirts are still fitting which is nice because I'm not super keen on maternity ones. The pants are, and have been, a must but I can also get by with just yoga pants or lounge-y type stuff that I love to spend the winters in. It probably won't be until spring that I really have to modify my wardrobe and even then, I'm particular. By the time summer arrives, I'll be down to just about nothing, tank tops and my favorite pair of black gauchos, stretched out already from Creux's pregnancy. My guess is I'll wear as little clothing as possible because I'll feel like I'm sitting on the equator. (Already my core body temperature has ramped up; you're like a little heater inside me. I'm burning up at night, even with the fan going and unless it's positively frigid outside, it's not uncommon to see me without a coat on.)

So yep, you're getting bigger and I'm sleeping worse already. I mentioned the temperature issue (I sit here now, in the dead of winter in a spaghetti-strapped tank, wondering if I should pull my hair in a pony to help cool myself off. Yikes.) but I'm not sleeping well in general.

I can't sleep on my stomach, for obvious reasons, and I can't sleep on my back because it feels just gross (I can't really explain it well but there's an uncomfortable pressure that you add when I'm lying flat--it's rather disturbing). I normally sleep on my right side because it allows me to face...nothing, and I like that.
Daddy and I are not snugglers.
We are sleepers who mean serious business.
We say good night and flip onto our sides and stay that way until I'm attempting to beat him senseless at 4am for snoring.

More on that in a minute.

Anyway, lately when I've been lying on my right side, there's something...strange...going on under my ribs. It's a sensation I definitely associate with pregnancy but only with LATE pregnancy when little feet are jammed up there or worse, my liver or stomach.
It's sort of hard to breath and uncomfortable enough that even when actively sleeping, I'll notice it and try to shift the pressure off.
I don't have a clue what I'm feeling as you certainly aren't big enough to be making me feel so stuffy and THAT really worries me because you've only begun to grow really.
I remember feeling this with Creux in the last two months of pregnancy and having to sleep sitting up in bed.
It was not fun.
And I was CRANKY.

The other issue that I have is Daddy snoring, which honestly, isn't terrible most times, when I'm not pregnant.
Meaning, I can deal, sleep through it, gently knock him upside the head a time or two and then fall back asleep easily.

But with my own discomfort settling in, I can barely tolerate the sound coming from the other side of the bed.
I wake often just from being uncomfortable but then adding in his sleeping patterns, when he cycles deep enough to start his snoring, my eyes snap open and I reach out and shake him.
The first time, I shake him gently.
The second time, I shake him harder.
The third time, I kick him down by his legs.
The fourth time, I yell at him.
The fifth time, I start fantasizing about smothering him with my pillow.
(That's a joke. For the most part :))

I wake in the mornings and I am GROUCHY.
Pretty much I'm up all night every night either re-situating with you or assaulting your father.
It's really not pleasant.

But luckily, he lets me sleep a bit alone every morning.
Once the Littles wake, he typically gets breakfast going and I sleep the best sleep during the hour or two that I steal then.

This will only get worse as the months pass but will be immediately better upon your birth.
Truly, like the night of your birth, I'll be able to breath again and my discomfort will be different (but welcome until my milk comes in and I have two ginourmous leaky rocks on my chest) but at least I'll be able to sleep.
Like a baby...mama :)

I still feel wonderful though I tire easily and am generally short-tempered.
This mama is not one to be messed with during her gestational period, let me tell you.
My hormones are just wacky and I fear I have far too much testosterone or something because I am just combative and mouthy and impatient.
Not with my kids (the impatience perhaps) but with people who get under my skin for one reason or another.
And while I definitely need to check it, at other times it really allows me to say what I need to say and to not care so much how it's received.
Like, "No, I don't want to do that." Or, "I'd love to but I just can't."
These are two sentences that I'm getting really comfy with and it's good for me.

I'm very snappish though right now and am easily angered and I don't like that so much. My temper flares and I struggle more controlling that now than I normally do.
(Just ask the girl who almost didn't accept my tags-on exchange at the Maternity Destination the other day, when I wanted the same stupid sweater I was gifted but in a different COLOR.
That was not her best week ever, guaranteed.)

I'm feeling you but am hoping that this week or next, I'll be feeling you more.
I'm supposed to be paying close attention to the time frame where I can feel you every day as the saying goes that it will be exactly five months from that period to your birth. This should happen in the next two to three weeks or so with your due date being July 8th. Secretly, I'm hoping you grow quickly and come a bit early. The 4th would be fun...but my birthday is June 29th and it's possible you could sneak in there. I doubt you will, you shouldn't, it's better for you to stay put for as long as possible but selfishly, I think that would be the best gift ever.
The 30th works too, in case you're wondering.
I'm wide open, calendar cleared.

Speaking of calendars, we're deep into vacation planning over here, trying to fill the time with fun until you arrive!
I haven't felt like going anywhere in ages, not since we came home from Deep Creek and learned that you were coming.
But now, I've got wander-lust bad and am wanting to do take a few trips before you arrive since you'll bench this family the whole darn summer.
May is the latest I can travel and we'll likely not budge until mid-fall when we'll drag you on your first of many family adventures.

One last thing--
I've given it some thought and I'm thinking maybe we'll be changing the site of your home birth.
I'm planning this wonderful bedroom for us and so it only sort of makes sense to maybe stick up there for your arrival?
Initially, I had just assumed we'd take over the downstairs area because there's so much more room but with the changes we're making in the bedroom, I think it might be better for us up there.
The only thing I'm worried about is the space of which there isn't much.
At all.
And there will be at least four major players in my bedroom for the duration and that does not include any of your siblings, who I'm hoping will be there immediately upon your arrival to share in your first moments.

But like the downstairs, I have a deck off my bedroom that can be utilized and utilized well, fitting the water birth tub easily.
If we attach a canopy over the top of the deck, it will provide privacy PLUS I'll have access to my coziest of spaces, including my bathroom, which is sort of like a cocoon to me.

In the end, I can only guess how this will go because I know in the moment I'll go wherever and do whatever provides the most comfort to me and who knows what that will be.
I like the idea of being in my bedroom and I love the idea of having my little bathroom right there because I think I might really appreciate the small bits of solitude it could offer me.
It would be nice to steal away and labor on my own for a bit, especially as we hit the active part of it, where I'm not ready to push but am consumed by the pain. I could absolutely see me relishing that small, cozy space then.

And I must say, the privacy is a major draw.
Some people like a lot of support when they're in pain and others like to be left alone for a bit.
I think I'm a left aloner.
At least until I'm ready to be helped.
In the past, I've tended to do better and to stay focused and on top of the pain when I've been on my own.
When I've woken in labor (or false labor--which has happened in the last two pregnancies) I normally don't wake Daddy until I'm ready to go, until I've hit the point where I've known it's been just about time to leave for the hospital.
I'm good on my own, when I'm relying on just me, when I can sort of zone out a bit and really tune in to my body for awhile.
It's when others start to comfort me that I start feeling sorry for myself and I break down.

We'll have a home visit with the midwives just before you're set to come and they'll offer ideas that I'm sure I haven't thought of. But it helps me to plan ahead, to really figure out what I want for your birth, so that I can make sure everyone else is firmly on-board. I think the more comfortable I feel going into this whole thing, the better it's going to be for me when it happens.

I think about these things all the time because I feel like I'm going to blink and it'll be my birthday, right smack in the most gorgeous part of summer and you will be looming large.

I am absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt going to be ready.

Loving you already,
Mama