You--16 Weeks, 3 Days

YOU JUST ROLLED OVER!
I can't believe it--you're so young yet!
I'm telling you though, this house just does something to tiny people.
Everyone's always in such a daggone hurry to grown up and follow those siblings around!

Oh, Luxie.
You have stolen my heart, it's true.
I was never one to worry if I'd love my subsequent children as much as I loved Chas.
It's never been about degrees of love or having "enough" to give or anything like that for me.
What I worry over is time--making sure everyone gets what they need from me.

But you, you are just such a delight and I spend great heaping gobs of time kissing you and hugging you and doing stupid stuff just to make you smile.
When we're apart, I can't wait to get back to you.
When we sleep at night, I am so grateful to have you in my bed, to feel you so close for those hours that we could be apart.

This rolling of yours is definitely a bit sad to me for that reason because it starts the timer on you leaving my bed.
It won't be like this for much longer because as you grow stronger and realize how that (marvelously, fantastically plump) little body of yours works, you'll use it.
And it'll take you right off the cliff that is my bed!

You'll likely be crawling in two months time.
How did we get here so fast?
I feel like you just arrived, Luxie.
The days are flying by me and I guess in some regards, they are bittersweet because I don't feel like I've had as much time with you as I'd like.

There have been days recently where I've thought to myself...I feel like a working mom.
I nurse you and then, just as you are awake and happy and drooly and smiling so wide I think your face might just crack, I zip off to run someone somewhere and your day goes by without me there.
I've never ever been apart from anyone else as much as I've been apart from you.
And I've had nearly whole damn days of this zipping in to nurse and then zipping right back out again.
And I HATE it.

The alternative though isn't fun for you as you have Car Issues (MUCH improved but still) and the reality is this: I am mommy to four others.
In order to try and do right by everyone, I end up splitting myself between five people and I don't always feel great about how the chips of my time fall.

I think it's just part of mothering a big family and I don't necessarily want everyone to scrap their favorite activities so I can lounge in bed with you more but...still.
I never wanted to be a working mom so this is a difficult feeling for me sometimes and it's a new feeling, too.
I don't remember this even after having Creux.
But with each child, I must juggle harder and faster and maybe the difference is in the amount of balls that I drop.
I used to drop non-important balls, like forgetting to attend something I signed up for.
That stuff isn't even on my register these days.
The balls I drop now often have my children's names on them and BOY does that stink to realize.

Having said that, I do whisk you off to bed in private whenever I get the chance.
In the mornings, I stay upstairs until after your first nursing.
In the afternoons, after running around all day, you and I will climb into bed together for a brief nursing and it does us both a world of good.
I've heard the same sigh of contentment whistle out of you the same as it does me when we finally meet up this way.
There's just an amazing biological connection between us--so strong and natural and pure.
And the best feeling in the world is to just indulge that a little bit.
It's necessary--vital.
We both need it.

You:

--are starting to suck your thumb again!  You did this when you were very new, whenever you could "catch" it, but now you know where your hands are and have no trouble getting them to your mouth.  You suck it kind of funny though, with your hand turned down so that your fingers fall under your chin.  SO. CUTE.

-- are beginning to lose the hair at the back of your head.

--are not only starting to roll over but trying to sit up as well.

--spend copious amounts of time blowing raspberries.  This is your preferred method of communication with me, too.  You will listen and smile while I talk and then there will be a brief pause while you wait to see if I'm going to continue or not and then if I don't, you start "talking" back with spit bubbles.  Somehow you make this charming.

--have picked up the name "little sister."  Greer is often called "sister" around here so it's not a stretch that this nickname would extend to you--modified, of course.

--when you are pissed, you scream and it sounds super girly and high pitched.  It's adorably monsterous.

--are moving into 6 month clothes.  (Pork chop!)


Today marks the one year anniversary of You.  I learned of your quiet existance one year ago today and I've been just lost in that memory all week long but especially today.  Walking around tonight with your siblings (you stayed in with Memaw), it was very surreal to me.  Last year, I wondered about you, who you'd be (boy?  girl?), what we'd end up naming you (not the name I SWORE it would be), and how things would change by this time this year.

You light up my life and the best decision I ever made was to push for you, my fifth baby.
I've written before that you were never a part of the "original deal" as far as family planning was concerned and it wasn't until I had Greer even that I started feeling like four wasn't my number.
I feel so grateful for you, so lucky, so happy that I followed my heart, that your daddy followed it too :), and that you are sleeping so peacefully in your swing while I sit and write to you.

Today is a special day, one that I'll never forget.
Last year on this night, you arrived in my heart.
This year, you rolled over.

I can't wait to see what next year brings.

(One more little trick or treater, for sure!)

Love,
Mama