4 Weeks, 3 Days

And here's where pregnancy paranoia rears its ugly head.


I wrote all that last night and woke today checking my boobs and FREAKING OUT because I wasn't sure if they were "as sore" as they were yesterday.
I mean, really.
I think I've nipple-checked a million times today, LITERALLY, but it's my true only link to you.
It's the only way I can reassure myself that you're thriving.


And you must thrive, little one.


I suppose my paranoia is heightened because a) unlike a few surprise babies, we are "ready" for you and b) it's happened to me before.


In between Rhyse and Greer, there should have been another baby.
Actually, had things not worked the way they did, someone else would be here instead of Greer.
I found out I was pregnant on your daddy's birthday a few years back and before the week was out, I had lost that baby.


And I knew it was coming.
My pregnancy symptoms faded and my every instinct told me what was to come and I wasn't mistaken.
Lucky for us all, I was swiftly pregnant again just six weeks later (I had to wait a cycle) and now, we have our little Greer.
So I really pay attention to these early signs you leave me, the sore boobs especially, because it's the easiest to check.  As long as they make me uncomfortable, I know you're growing just fine.


Once you start making me sick, I will relax a bit more as I'll know that my body and your body are working together to create your placenta which means you are taking up permanent residence within me for awhile.
Or at least, it take us a few steps farther out of the danger zone.


Do you know you're still just a clump of cells?
I think it's amazing that you are just a little mass, really, of nothing right now and my body is already deep into preparations for you.
Enough so that I am feeling a little worse for the wear every day :)


Today you swiped my energy.
I was worthless, could do nothing around the house.
I wanted to but I just couldn't motivate.
Would like to put in a request for you to leave me SOMETHING to work with, please. 
I don't need a lot, but I do have an entire household to run, your siblings to school, and my own self to sort of look after.


Speaking of the pregnancy paranoia, this is a classic symptom for me, in more ways than that one (the fear of you leaving me).  It was actually the first clue to "you".  I went a little haywire shortly after making you and thought to myself, WOW, I am CRAZY hormonal.  Might this be...???  I was hopeful but scared of disappointment.  We'd tried for you the month before but we were a day too late and I knew it going in.  Despite that, I really thought it had worked but it hadn't and I was crushed.  So this month, I was a bit more guarded and right before finding out about you, I was downright pessimistic.  Pregnancy symptoms often cruelly mimic a wicked case of PMS and I was certain I'd missed you again.


Oh, but I hadn't :)


I need to rest, you need to rest, I'm off to spend the night boob-checking.


Loving you already,
Mama