4 Weeks, 2 Days

It's strange to me how I am able to go about my day in complete and total normalcy while you are creating yourself.

That's not to say that I feel you are an insignificant addition, not in the least.
See?
I already consider you an addition.
Because in my mind, you are already you--I just haven't met you quite yet.

But it's very weird to go about the mundane while you are thick in the heart of the most critical days of development. Pieces have to fit right, you have to follow your blueprint precisely...there's really very little room for error. Right now, you are stitching together the foundation of you, and here I spent the day folding laundry.

Talk about an unfair balance of work!

Though it doesn't show on my face or on my body, you are constantly in my mind.
I think of your gender already--another rowdy Martin boy? Or maybe a long-hoped for sister for Greer?
I re-arrange the bedrooms mentally, making space for you though this is hard because I won't know where you're going until you arrive.

There will be no gender peeking for this Mama.
I simply don't want to know, never have, don't think I ever will.

I like the surprise of you. I like spending the ten months of pregnancy imagining different senarios, different names, the different path you will set this family on just with who you are.
I don't need to know if you're a boy or girl.
You're mine and that's enough.

Today was your brother Rhyse's birthday and also Halloween.
There were five little pumpkins carved and sitting on the front porch--and I noticed immediately.
I liked the cluster, the addition of the one little pumpkin.
You and I were out running errands while Daddy and the others carved so I didn't see them until they were all out front and lined up together.

I posted the photo online on my other blog, the one you will soon star in :), and wondered...will anyone notice the addition? Will anyone count them and think...but there's FIVE pumpkins there and only four kids....???

Only two know of your existance right now--my friends Jenny and Staci.
They knew you were a possibility from the start and both were very excited to learn whether or not you were coming.

I can't tell our family just yet as there's a small snafu with your Auntie.
She's turning 21 in just two weeks and really wants your Mama to come and have fun for a night.
Though I won't be drinking in her celebration, I won't be telling of your existance.
I will be sneaky for the night :)
I'm excited for them to know about you but I don't want to steal the attention--or to have her upset that I'm not participating.
I will be my normal party-loving self...while dumping my drinks into the toilet during one of my many bathroom breaks.
This is a very important day for her, one she's looked forward to for a long time, one that I've been told a million times to save-the-date for so...I just can't make the announcement yet.

I'm thinking around Thanksgiving, we will let family know and then I will share the news with the rest our friends.

You are growing well, I can tell.
Not only do I have complete trust and faith in you to stitch yourself together correctly, I'm starting to have symptoms of you already:

--Last night, I craved, CRAVED, the most annoying snack in the world for your daddy to make for us--cucumbers and carrots, both cut into tiny pieces, and covered with italian dressing.
He painstakingly chopped and seasoned for 20 minutes at 11:30pm, during a paused t.v show.

I can't explain it, you just had to have it.
And since you're super busy in there, it's the least we can do for you, to provide what you ask for.
At least that's what I told him :)

--Today I walked into the kitchen and gasped, "What is that SMELL?"
I smelled mold, like a moldy kitchen towel or worse, sink drain mold. Your dad looked at me like I'd lost my mind--he didn't smell a thing, while I had to leave the room because it was so offensive.

--My boobs are S-O-R-E.
This is really my only way of checking on you right now because I can't feel you moving yet. Once you are big enough to kick me, I will know you're fine. But right now you are so small and I have no way of making sure that you're still with me, still growing, still following your blueprint.

I'm constantly, randomly, doing a boob check and I probably look INSANE to people because I know I do it when I'm deep in thought over you and unaware of the company around me.
But they've become super tender since even the two days ago that I learned of your existance.
This is a good sign but I'm worried for what's to come.

You will make me sick, you will steal my health and energy for awhile and it's going to start in just a week or two.
That's also a very good sign and as I heave into the toilet each morning--I will remember this thought, I always do, and it does make it easier to take.

But I'm not relishing the knowledge that it's coming.
I'd have a twinge or two already of a sensitive stomach, stemming from that heightened sense of smell and I'm confident that you will make me just as sick as the rest of your siblings.

It's okay, you're worth it.

Holding you close, keeping you safe, loving you already,
Mama