4 Weeks, 6 Days

Oh boy, am I in trouble.
Here I am thinking I can keep you a secret for a little while longer but it's going to require a bit of wardrobe trickery.

It's amazing to me how quickly my body has succumbed to accommodate you already.
I mean, you are the size of a DOT.
So why in the world do I look like I'm three months, four months gone?

I was reading a statistic the other day in a baby mag and it said, "Three months is the average time that a woman buys her first pair of pregnancy jeans."

THREE MONTHS???
I'm hoping to hold out for two more weeks so as not to completely wreck my sister's big "live it up" night!

I know going in that I can't compare myself to the average woman during an average pregnancy because WE ARE NOT AVERAGE!
You are my fifth baby and that is not an average number to toss out there.

Everything is happening faster with you.
I'm struggling energy-wise, motivation-wise.
You make me want to sleep all day long.
Or not sleep, but not do anything either.

I've had twinges of the nausea already.
I can feel it coming.
The twinges have been strong enough to remind me of the full feriocity of what morning sickness is all about and I'm still not looking forward to it.

I'd like you to know that with Chas, your oldest brother, I never even WORE maternity clothes.
I'm in stretchy pants almost constantly now.
I can SQUEEZE into my skinny jeans if I must but it ain't comfy.

Boobs are still sore (YAY!), hormonal acne in effect (ENOUGH, I say!), zapped energy and general blahyness cloud my days, so I'm thinking you're a good little blueprint follower.

A few things I wanted to tell you:

I've been thinking back to the "before you" time, when you were in there churning and dividing and deciding to join us, and I mentioned that the paranoia was my first clue to you.

The second was acne.

I NEVER have breakouts unless something is way, way, way wacky with me hormonally.  And I did wonder briefly while looking into the mirror and rolling my eyes, "Could this be???"
I think I still was generally hopeful at that point (but a too-early pregnancy test would dash those hopes for the remaining week of pre-knowing).

The third thing was that super sensitive gag reflex that happens with me in early pregnancy.  Creux had a diaper so disgusting that I ended up dry heaving into the toilet for three minutes, WISHING that something would come out so I could feel better. 
For the record, Creux puts out some MONUMENTALLY horrid diapers but none of them send me wretching over potties.

I should have known, really.

My biggest tip-off was a simple sneeze.
Sounds crazy, right?
But when sneezing when pregnant sometimes causes the most wicked of sharp, pulling sensations on what I think are uterine ligaments. 
I sneezed and then doubled over, grabbing my groin area, and then sat up and smiled.
I remembered that feeling clearly and absolutely associated it with pregnancy.

So it was a major surprise to me when, less than a week before my expected period, I took an "early" test and learned that there was no you.
Dreams were dashed, hope was given up, I prepared myself for the inevitable, spent the rest of the week grouching about PMSing.

But it wasn't to be.
You were there, just too small to notice.

I called a midwife for us today, by the way.
We're considering a home birth for you.
My due date is somewhere around the 9th or 10th of July, right near Greer's birthday (on the 13th).
This gave me pause, you should know.
We almost skipped trying for you in order to avoid the birthday over-lappage.
You must understand, I grew up an only child for a REALLY long time and am rather...unaccustomed to spotlight sharing.
I didn't want you two to feel birthday jipped.
But in the end, we decided to go for it.
We'll just celebrate your birthdays as we normally would--we'll find what works for us.
I wanted a summer you, May to August, that was my plan.
We missed the May date because we were in D.C with your brothers.
We missed June because we were a day late in trying.
We nailed July. 
Nailed it, baby.

So yep, you were highly planned and rather scheduled because I wanted to have a nice, long, carefree newborn period with you.
No school for the kids, no soccer, no running around.
Just staying in and playing, resting, creeking, bike riding.
Me and you and Creux, we'll chill together.
I can't wait.

Back to the home birth thing--it's something that I want to explore.
I despise the hospital setting and have decided that if I hate it that much, then maybe I should change that.
My births are fast and relatively uncomplicated.
I want your siblings to be close-at-hand, though not present for your birth.
I want us all to be together right from the first moments.
I want to sleep in my own bed, eat at my own table, rest on my own couch.
We usually leave the hospital within the first 24 hours anyway so this isn't really that much of a difference.
Except it will be my first fully natural birth and I'm apprehensive about that.
Your mama is a bit of a wimp, I hate to say.

The date of our first midwife appointment is December 8th.
You will be just over two months grown.

Loving you already,
Mama