You--43 Weeks, 1 Day

Oh. My. Goodness.

Luxie, it has been weeks since I've posted for you and I am so very sorry.  It's not that I haven't written of you at all--our family blog is full of moments of you, but I've not done well over here.

Part of it is just that I have what translates to about 35 seconds of free time in my days right now.  I'm trying hard to finish up school for the year with Rhysie and we're just bogged down with sport & dance obligations in the evenings.  I finally sit down for the night at around 10:30.  If I want to take a shower, it's 11:30.  And unfortunately, I need to sleep so I can't always be up late, late, late, catching up on my "me time."

That's not to say that my other blog is more important than writing to you is--it's just more available to me and I can, for the lack of a better saying, kill MANY birdies with one stone over there!  I can still document for you on Lifelines, along with everyone else, but if I stop writing over there, everyone loses.

So much has happened in the last month or more with you.
Want to know?

--You've just begun standing on your own for very brief moments!  You definitely know it's a dangerous under-taking so you're cautious about when and how you let go of your support but you get the biggest thrill from doing it!  I can see that you're nearly exhilarated afterward--you look at me with huge eyes and a gigantic grin as if to say, "DID YOU FREAKING SEE THAT????"  And yes, I did.  I was holding my breath right along with you.

--One day last month, you were sitting at the kitchen table eating the pounds and pounds of food that you consume at every meal, and I saw you looking down the hallway at something.  I was watching you watch whatever it was that had caught your attention when you lifted your right hand and started waving for the very first time!  My head snapped around to see what you were waving at and there was Chas at the bottom of the stairs, headphones on, vacuum in hand, waving excitedly to you with the other. 
I nearly fainted with love.

You are like my trick pony now, I can get you to say shake your head, "No, no!" and wave bye-bye whenever I want.
People love you.
I can't say that I blame them.

--You're all over this house, making me a wreck of a woman whenever you go suddenly missing from sight.  You've found the staircases, both up and down and we stupidly have not installed gates yet.  (Luxe, there is a time shortage in this house that I never imagined could exist.  I need a day with 65 hours, not 24.  It ain't fair, I tell you.)  So I'm always panicking that you're going to fall...because you have.

--The first time you fell, it was off the couch.  I had left you with Memaw so that I could zip off to a quick soccer game, so that you would not have to join me in the rain and cold.  I came home to "She fell off the couch, has she ever done that before?  I was changing her diaper and then left her with Greer and the next thing I know, she hit the floor!  She cried and cried..." 
I held you, glaring at my mother. 
"She's never fallen before," I said icily. 
I guess I just assume that she remembers what it's like to be around babies but then I'm abruptly reminded that she doesn't when stuff like that happens.  I hated that you'd fallen, that I wasn't there...and that I couldn't fire her ;)

--The second time you fell was just this last week and it was a biggie.  The Littles had taken total advantage of a lack of supervision where I had to run out to take Chas to a testing site for his schooling and left you all with Daddy.  I walked in to find him locked in a room upstairs with you, trying to avoid the small ones for a brief but important business call.  I whisked you off downstairs when I returned home but quickly realized that Greer and Creux had chopped up small bits of Playdoh all over the rug in the schooling room, right where you play.  I left you with Rhyse on the couch while I went to find the vacuum and I was delayed a bit because I started talking to Daddy, who was still upstairs.  Greer raced into our room, breathless, a few minutes later yelling, "MOMMY!  DADDY!  Luxie fell down the stairs!" 
We nearly took each other out attempting to race from our bedroom to the first floor where we found you sobbing in Rhyse's arms.
He'd forgotten that he was watching you and the three of them--Rhyse, Greer, and Creux--had all relocated to the basement, leaving the door wide open.
You must've crawled around for a bit before finding that open door and you tumbled all the way down, landing on a heap of dirty clothes and a soccer cleat at the bottom.

I felt terrible, and I was so upset that I was irrationally angry with your brother.  He's only nine and, while he can and does often take very good care of you, he's STILL only nine and sometimes does scatter-brainy boy stuff like completely forget that he's watching you.  So he was in trouble and I was just sick, imagining you falling and falling and being scared and not knowing what was happening and wanting me. 
And I wasn't there, not right away.
Luckily you hadn't been hurt at all which was a miracle honestly because that's a loooooong way down for a wee bitty gal like yourself.  And worse, the whole left side of the staircase is exposed so it could have been a sheer drop-off for you after step number three and THAT would truly have been awful.

The gates are on the Grit List for this weekend, just so you know.
My heart still accelerates just thinking about how bad that could have been!

--You are such a good eater and sleeper and you've got two big girl teeth now!  Both of those teeth gave you a bit of trouble, bringing on a low-grade fever and a high-grade grouch.  It's very obvious to me when you're cutting because you are so completely out of sorts and you're never like that.  You have the most pleasant disposition unless you're hungry or hurting.  I try not to let either of those things happen very much.

--We're still nursing but we've cut back some naturally, as you've adjusted to eating more solid foods.  This has really opened up a lot more freedom for me as you are easily satisfied if I'm a bit late getting home from somewhere--I just have Daddy or Emily give you a few snacks and that tides you until I'm able to get back to you.  I feel this new freedom pretty drastically and I have to say...I like it. 
I have no intention to wean you right now nor do I have an age in mind for when you will wean.
I will leave that up to you, my sweets!
I don't care what other's opinion are on this matter--I feel like we'll know when it's right for us to stop and mainly, that means that you will let me know :)  Everyone else has fully weaned by 16 months of age and maybe you'll be like that, too.
But maybe not and that's fine by me, too..

--I honestly can not believe that you will be ten months old tomorrow.  There are pictures that run on my screensaver, that randomly pull from my photo files and every so often, I see your birth ones and it takes my breath away and I fall into my chair and sit back and remember.  You were so very tiny.  And I loved our first night at home together.  I can't even write about it without getting emotional.  I am a basketcase.  I will weep alone in my bathroom on your birthday, dry my eyes, and then put my party face on.  I will enjoy it but will also be glad when it passes.  *Shrug*  I'm just weird like that.

--I'm not really one to speak for others (lie!  Yes, I am!  ;)) but you seem to really like it here.  I think that you are so very, very lucky as I see firsthand how loved you are and that makes me the happiest mama on the planet.  There's just always someone around who wants to hold you for a minute or is willing to play with you or push you on the swing or take you for a walk.  There's a never-ending supply of sibling love for you and it's a beautiful thing to witness and to have a hand in creating.  Since I grew up alone until I was just a bit younger than Chas, I never had this myself.  I'm glad that you do.

I'm going to do better about writing for you here on these last two months.
Two months?
Really, you will be one in two months?
My eyes read those words but they just don't seem possible to me.
And yet?
You reach for me when I go to pick you up.
You just got new shoes because you'll be walking soon.
You get my jokes and understand so much of what we say to you.
I thought this to myself the other day when I picked you up: "She's a big baby now."
Because you are.
You're still a baby but you're mobile and funny and giggly and squealy and fast and curious.
And happy.
So very, very happy.

I have enjoyed every single day that you've been here to the absolute fullest with you.
There hasn't been one that has past where I haven't held you close and been so thankful for your existence.

You're my girl.
I always say that to you: "You're mommy's special, special girl."

I love you so very much.
XO

Love, Mama