25 Weeks, 3 Days

I really hate when a whole week goes by without my recording something for you.
It's just that I know when I hop on here that I need a decent chunk of time and so...I guess I struggle to find that!

We've been on a roller coaster, you and I.
Well, not literally, more figuratively.
I'll tell you about that in a second but first let me rave for a bit.

You are being a very good little baby!  I'm back to thinking you are a girl because you really are actually quite accomodating and somewhat seem to be attempting to split the space with me 50/50.  You may be a boy, clearly I don't have a clue since I keep flipping back and forth, but so far you seem...manageable :)
It's early days still, though.
Because you aren't trying to body slam your way out of my belly just gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, you're my Chill Baby, gender unimportant.
(Please?)

My wardrobe is dwindling. 
Other than the few new things I bought for you the other week, I'm packing my regular clothes away with surprising frequency.  I like things in basics--basic cuts and basic colors and two days ago, I pulled on one of my favorite basic black, fitted t-shirts from Gap and you stuck out the bottom all day long, like the pregnant woman's almost-socially-appropriate version of the tacky "plumber's crack."
Anyway, how I didn't notice that when I initially pulled it on, I can't quite explain.
But all day long, I was tugging my shirt down over the growing orb that is my tummy.
Or that is YOU in my tummy.
You're very cute and round, the World's Most Perfect Ball of Love.
I can definitely feel your bits these days, as you'll poke them out and sort of let them stick there for a few seconds--long enough for me to gently squeeze an elbow or whatever it is. 
And then you yank it away.
Where's your sense of fun, child?
You completely re-arrange my internal organs (to say NOTHING of what you've done to my back-end) and made me a wee bit crazy (under.statement.) and I can't even pinch an elbow???

I'm happy to report that upping the protein in my diet actually seems to have totally worked in the sweets craving department!
Who knew?
I would never connect something so...meat-sounding..to something so...tasty.
But I've made an effort to have a bit of protein at lunch, a bit at snack time (apples with peanut butter are my WEAKNESS right now), and some at dinner at least three times a week.
So far, so good.
But I do kind of miss those desserts...

As far as the water consumption thing, look, I'm doing my best.
A gallon is just ridiculous, I would slosh as I walked, truly I would.
Let's just say that I'm drinking far more than I normally do and honestly, I don't think it's making a ton of a difference. 
Even sitting here writing you, my fingers feel somewhat swollen. 
Granted, it's the end of the day and sometimes that's just the way the end of the day treats me.

So here's the roller coastery part--

I need to apologize to you most sincerely because I feel like I've not been so great at making sure you're in your best place lately.
I know I haven't because you've definitely let me know when you're not good.
And this weekend, you were NOT good.

I learned recently that I'd be on my own for a few days with your siblings--something had come up for Daddy that he felt he needed to attend to but it would take him far from home for a bit.
Though I understood the reason, I didn't want him to go.
And I voiced this heartily.
Many times.
But it was the right thing for him to do, to take care of this situation and as much as I hated it, I knew he needed to go.
I was just upset that it would cause such upheaval at home.
And I was terrified at the prospect of managing your four siblings, their schooling and sporting functions, the house, the dog, you, and Creux all by myself.

It was a daunting proposition for me and, as much as I wanted to be completely supportive of his decision to go, I knew what I was up against.
And it basically boiled down to this: there are days, and sometimes it's almost every right now, that I can't wait for another adult to walk into this house and help me out.
Those really bad days with Creux--which are temporary as he works through his two's--are really rough by the end.
And sometimes, I'm really, really tired, just from doing my portion of the family stuff.
Knowing that I was picking up his portion too (Daddy does a lot around here in a day--is usually the breakfast starter, gets Greer off to preschool, MAKES DINNER, helps with bedtimes) was completely over-whelming to me.

So I did what I seem to be doing a lot right now in the face of stress and I completely and totally melted down.

Not only were my emotions raging but we spent the whole weekend preparing for his leave.
In order to simplify my life while he was gone, we needed stuff.
We needed a ton of groceries.
We needed to finish Easter shopping.
We needed to do this, we needed to do that.
We spent the whole day on Saturday running around.

And by Saturday night, you were in a state.
I took a shower and laid down but I couldn't sleep because you were going absolutely nuts, for a longer period of time than you'd ever seemed to be up for before.
It didn't escape my notice--but I did eventually drift off, only to wake up with some contractions.

I got up to get a glass of water, hoping that would settle things down a bit (this usually works) but it didn't.
Every ten minutes or so, I'd get another contraction and I started freaking out a little bit.
What if I'd started my own labor by my diva-ish antics?
It's far, far too early for you to even threaten an appearance, and though I knew that what I was feeling was probably just a result of way too much stress for one day, I was scared.

Before returning to bed, I used the potty and noticed that I was spotting just a bit.
Combined with the contractions, it frightened me beyond reason.
I didn't really think I was in labor; I truly believed that my body was just, in no uncertain terms, telling me that enough was enough was enough.
So I kept checking back but the spotting was only that once and though the contractions were still noticable, they were relenting a bit.
But I laid there thinking, this is so stupid.
I can't get myself so worked up, I can't spend the day just running errands for hours on end, only to then face a marathon single parenting session which is stressful beyond belief on its own and for which I need sanity, patience, and rest.

What I feared most was that I was mis-judging the situation and that I'd, thinking that the spotting and the contractions were just an after-effect of my stressful day, completely miss the signs of true premature labor.
What if, I wondered, I just went to sleep with these mild contractions and then woke up at 4am like I have in the past with some of your siblings, in hard, fast labor?
You would not survive an accidental birth here at home.
You would hopefully be alright in a hospital setting but if I didn't have time to get there, we'd be in real trouble.

So...I need to make a conscious effort to not be a stressed-out lunatic for your sake because it definitely impacts you enough to make me sit up and notice.
I spent so much time worrying about how I would handle the kids here at home all on my own that I didn't do anything to make sure that we, you and I, were okay.
If I weren't pregnant with you, his leaving would be an irritant but only due to the lack of help.
(He is not, for the record, out having fun in Vegas.  He is not out having fun anywhere.  He is simply... needed.  And if someone needs him more than I do, than you know how important it was for him to go.)
Four kids is a lot of work with help, but adding in my own pregnancy-induced fatigue and limited reserves of
SuperMommy juice, well, thinking about all that needs done in a day without any extra hands or kind words (when I've run out of my own)...it just pushed me over the edge.

I suppose we compromised somewhere in there.
He moved mountains (literally) to be gone for just over a day and a half.
That felt tremendously more manageable to me and my relief was probably palpable to you.

It's also sort of highlighted an issue that's been lingering around for a bit and it's this:
We're not a normal family and we can't behave like one.
By "normal" I mean, due to our family size, it's imperative that we do what works best for us and to let the rest of it go. 
(Doing this usually makes us (me) rather unpopular with family because in every family, there are expectations and I'm much more likely to buck those than Daddy is.  When I see needs conflicting, I'm more apt to choose what's better for you kids rather than making sure everyone else is happy. 
That makes me Not. Popular.)
Whereas when we had a smaller amount of children, we could be more flexible as a family.
But now, maybe we really kind of can't.

Anyway, though it was scary, it was a terrific reminder to me that just because I am, in general, feeling really good right now, I'm still very responsible for your, and my, well-being--along with the rest of this household.
Just as I make sure to change my diet to better suit your needs, I need to change my stress management as well.
Unfortunately, I seem to suffer from those hallmark-of-pregancy mood swings.
I need things to be rather...copacetic right now.
I need my boat to not be rocked, I need your brother to take a toddler-sized dose of a chill pill, I need NOT to be single parenting at this precise moment in time.
But that's life, sweet stuff :)
It has become abundantly clear to me that, after all of these years of thinking other-wise, the world does, in fact, NOT revolve around me.
Shocking and sad but true.
Harumph.

(That was a joke.  I sure hope my sense of humor translates well because if not you're going to think I'm one seriously crazy piece of work.)

I'm off to kick back and relax now and I promise to not get you all worked up like that again.
At least until the weekend ;)

Loving you already,
Mama (who is so very, very glad that you are still as snug as could be in her incubator)