12 Weeks, 3 Days

I meant to log on Christmas Day and wish you a Merry Christmas but that would only have been for public record.
We had a lovely "first" Christmas together and as we laid on the couch all during the day and into the evening too, I did wish you that, and many other things.

Your presence was definitely felt this year, though you are still quietly hanging out in there. 
I'm sitting here, using my new lapdesk on the couch while I write you, so now I have a buffer between those electro-magnetic waves and your delicate little bits.
I worry,  I can't help it.
But this gift was under the tree for me, a funny little reminder of you.
I've never dragged this laptop anywhere before this "unique" sick period with you; I've always been happy to write at my spot at the desk.
This is mainly because I can't manipulate photos while sitting on the couch, and I've never actually written this much copy before--usually I'm blogging with super cute photos of your siblings.
But now I have this nifty little desk that I can use for at least the new few months.
I realized as soon as I sat down with it that it's a Limited Use gift because soon my belly will take over my lap space, rendering this contraption use-less until I'm blogging in bed while you snooze next to me.

I debated whether or not to place a gift under the tree for you but in the end decided to go with the not.
It's impossibly hard for me to allow THAT much baby into the house right now because it makes the waiting more agonizing.
I'm able to plot and plan for you but don't dare crack open any baby totes just yet and won't until right before you're due date.
Plus, you need for nothing except diapers, onesies, and me.

Now that I'm feeling better (and I am!  I'm still dealing with nausea quite a bit but it's manageable.), we are heading into Get Ready For Baby mode.
We like to use our months of pregnancy as a motivator to get things in order around the house.
Last time with Creux, we had JUST moved in here but managed to accomplish quite a bit as we lived in our old house while fixing this one to our liking before we moved in.  We had painted all the rooms, assembled most of the bedroom furniture for everyone, filled the kitchen with everything we'd need to make the first day of moving go as smoothly as possible (NOTHING goes smoothly when you can't prepare food for hungry children), and within three weeks, we had it to where I could nest a bit (understatement) and three weeks after that, Creux arrived!

All I wanted last time were new comfy couches to lounge upon with my new baby.
We'd had our old ones for a long time and I just wanted ONE room truly pulled together.
(It still wasn't, I ended up going a wee bit crazy hating the yellow paint in the family room and while Daddy was at work one day, I painted big splotches of a new yellow color all over the place, upstairs and down, in order to see it from different light angles, and it ended up looking like a lunatic broke in with a paint can and attacked my walls.  It stayed like that for MONTHS.)

Anyway, I got my couches and patted myself on the back because it was the perfect place for me to perch with newborn Creux. 

This time with you, I'm after a cozy bedroom nest for three.
You will room with us, most likely for the first year.
We family bed our newborns (up until you babies start rolling away) and from there, we place you in a small crib in our bedroom.
I will nurse you exclusively, day and night, so it only makes sense to keep you close.
And to be honest, I feel that the MOST appropriate place for you is curled up with me.
It's never seemed right to me to put my babies in a huge crib alone in a huge room.
We've never done it.
We tried, especially with Chas because that's what we were "supposed" to do but it never, ever felt right to me and he hated it.  He slept for the first month cradled in our arms (we'd switch off during the night) and then, mostly took to the swing.

Rhyse was the first to enter our bed though I did try unsuccessfully to use a bassinet I'd received as a gift when Chas was a baby.
That was a no-go for him, too.
He stayed with us until he was a rolling man and then he left for his own room when he was around five to six months old.

By the time Greer arrived, we had accepted our "family bed" lifestyle and sold the bassinet at a garage sale while I was still pregnant with her.
We assembled the crib for show only and didn't use it until she was about eight months old and left our room for her own.

Creux was an entirely different story altogether as he arrived when my maternal instincts were really kicking in and when I fully arrived at a place of comfort at how we live and raise our babies.
Whereas I maybe kept our family bedding quiet in years past due to a rather frowning-on-that society (and family), I now proudly announce it to the world!
We are family bedders.
We snuggle our newborns relentlessly.
I feel no shame and don't tolerate finger-wagging at my parenting ideas--and most especially don't buy into the mainstream "they need to learn independence" school of thought in regards to the whole crib idea.
I happen to believe that this type of loving sleep environment breeds a feeling of security.
You have your whole life to learn to be independent.
What I want is for you to feel my constant presence and know that I will keep you safe always.

I'm planning the most luscious of comfort spaces for us, with soft lighting and luxurious (but safe) bedding.
You are foremost in my mind as I pull this room together in my head and as I relay my ideas to He Who Makes It Happen (that would be your Daddy).

I spent quite a bit of time thinking today, just really trying to pinpoint what exactly I need and want in there and I had this image of us together, me curled around you, cocooning you as we sleep.  From the moment you are born, you will not leave my side for a very long time.  I truly love bedding with you babies and have often commented on how wonderful it is, that none of you have ever really even cried in the middle of the night, you stir and then I stir--it's instantaneous.  And your needs are met before you have any chance to get worked up with hunger.  You started shifting and wiggling and grunting (oh, those baby grunts--GAH!), and I'm your woman.  Just like that.  We nurse on one side to calm you, we take a break for a diaper change, we nurse again and fall asleep together. 

It's beautifully simple and perfect for us.

I'm a firm believer that you babies know yourselves best at the beginning.
We don't wake sleeping babies to feed.
We don't have any type of  nursing schedule--it is completely on-demand; you tell me when it's time to eat, not the other way around.
We follow your cues, try our best to anticipate your needs, and I give everything I have to your care and comfort most especially in the beginning.
This is also why I keep you with me at night.
It's why I welcome you into my bed.

One might say I've only waited ten months for you but that's not exactly true.
I've waited a lifetime.
I don't want to miss a moment and I believe that the accommodations that we make for you babies is what you truly need from us.
I let you and my instincts and experience as a mama guide me.

I'm just honored to have this chance again.

One more thing before I go--

Though there wasn't a gift for you under the tree this year, my favorite gift CAME from you.
A small package in my stocking labeled, "To Mommy, Love, Baby"
A charm for my bracelet, a tiny locket with the number "5".

You are always with me.

Loving you already,
Mama (who is determined to bang out that cozy nest for three SOON)