10 Weeks, 6 Days

Well, I had planned on writing to you the very day after we saw you but just like that, I was down, down, down again.
Monday had been an oddly terrific day, all through the day even, and I really was able to catch a glimpse of my former self for a bit. 
But then, I awoke on Tuesday swirling with nausea, lost my breakfast, and attempted to spend as much of the day in bed as possible.  Daddy and I had planned an evening out for Christmas shopping and I wasn't sure if I was going to be up to it.  Some how I managed, late into the night, but honestly, I never felt right.

Today started off with a bang and truly, I didn't have time to feel my sickness and maybe that's why I didn't.  I've had the luxury of time on my hands here at home (can I just say again that your conception was beautifully planned?) so I can sit around for a bit and grow sick as the morning minutes pass by.  Today, I could not.  I'd massively over-scheduled and not only that, attempted to bathe and dress both of your wee siblings PLUS myself, all within an hour, all for a Christmas program, and by the grace of God, I managed to get out of the house on time but just barely.

I think perhaps I have a touch of motion sickness or something because riding in the car seems to bring out the worst in my nausea.  It's interesting though because I've never suffered from anything like that before but lately I've found myself dreading car rides as by the time I arrive at my destination, I'm literally green.

So today started fast and furious and has ended poorly.  I spent the afternoon napping along with Creux and when I awoke, I didn't feel any better.  By the time dinner arrived in the form of Chinese take-out, I somehow found enough time to ask your daddy to quick clean the potty before I deposited my meal in it and I've been lounging ever since.

I'm laying here on the couch writing you, something I think I will always associate with this early pregnancy,(hauling my laptop over in front of the fire, curled up with my blanket, computer propped up with sofa pillows because I have an irrational fear of what the electromagnetic waves might be doing to you--should they tell you differently, I'm here to say now that you only need TEN fingers and toes, not a digit more.) and I'm still not certain that we're "done" for the evening. 

I'm so tired of throwing up.

But let me circle back around to seeing you because I don't want to forget anything about the evening and if I wait to feel any better, I probably will leave something important out.

The ultrasound people bumped my 8:20pm appointment back to 8:40 on that night, leaving your dad to push for your siblings to stay home.  We could easily have put Creux monster to bed, having Chas hold down the fort for the hour or so we would be gone, and I almost agreed because as the time passed, I began dreading taking Creux out so late.  He goes a bit wacky when tired and I was afraid he'd be obnoxiously disruptive and that was the LAST thing I wanted to deal with in there, seeing you for the first time.

But we stuck with the plan.
And I'll be forever happy that we did!

After getting in the room (which was super comfy and big--big enough for our gang!), I settled in on the table and the tech rubbed warm gel on my tummy and as soon as she applied the wand, there you were!
I saw you immediately, and I remember clearly that I saw you, and then she moved the wand and you disappeared from view as fast as you'd arrived but already the image was burned on my mind.  I knew exactly how you were laying, and had I taken the wand from her, I knew right where to find you.

You're laying on your side, on the left of my belly.
And I'd made a comment on my other blog about seeing my cute little "alien" baby photos but I need to take that back.
Because you weren't what I was expecting to see.
Normally, our first ultrasound comes along very early in pregnancy, maybe between weeks six and eight.
And typically, we see a little shrimp baby, one not moving, curled over with a wee tail, head massively over-sized in relation to midgie body.

What absolutely amazed me about you was that at ten weeks and four days, you are completely whole.  Surely you have TONS of growing to do yet but...you are a baby.
You are not a stationary bundle of mass, still stitching yourself together, which is what I was expecting to see.
I didn't see arm buds--I saw arms, with little hands attached.
And I saw cute, long, little legs kicking around with wee bitty feet pointing and flexing into space.

You are a half an inch and you are marvelous.

I've never felt like I've needed a visual to "bond" with my babies-to-be, nor have I ever felt the need to know the gender to "identify" with any of you kids, either.
You are mine from even before conception, if I'm honest.
I once read that you have over several million combinations of a person that could be created from one "try" for them.  And depending on which egg is released and which sperm is used for fertilization, you get this one supremely unique soul, never to be duplicated again.  Sort of like a snowflake.  So that's always fascinated me, thinking that each month, the possible "you" would always be different from the month before. 

A friend asked me once if I felt like Greer was maybe the same soul that I lost weeks before her conception and I didn't even have to think before I answered, "No."  Greer is Greer.  That baby will always be a mystery to me though I hope one day to know who he/she was.  I'd like to think that at some point in my post-life that I'll have a chance to reunite.  I say reunite because I think I'd know instantly if I were ever so lucky to cross paths as we've certainly met.  The grief I experienced from that loss was unlike any other grief I have known in my life--the fact that I'd only known of the baby for a week was not relevant in my heart.
I was already a mother again.

So I didn't NEED to see you in order to connect with you but I can't tell you how much I loved doing so.  Especially since I've felt so bad, it just helped click things into place for me.  OF COURSE I'm sick!  Look at what you've done in there!  You have been working incredibly hard and you have formed yourself out of nothing but two puzzle pieces and a wish and a prayer.  I was tremendously impressed at how little-one-half-inch-you has done so much and oh yes, I was proud.  I was beaming in there, cooing over your tiny bits and that was even before you started moving around!

I'd had a bit of apple juice in the car in the hopes that it would prod you to perk up for the "camera" and at first you were a smidgey shy.  We could see all of you but you held very still, perhaps processing my own stillness...and the fact that something massive was mashing down on your little apartment.  Within a minute or two though you jerked a few times and then all of a sudden you were wiggling all over the place!  It seemed to me like you were just checking out all your new pieces, lifting a hand here, swirling your a leg there.  Many times you waved to us and though the Littles had a hard time seeing much of what was going on (it's confusing to them--they thought they were going to see a full-term squalling infant) they could see your little hand floating across the screen and we all started pointing and laughing, tickled that you were saying hello to your family.   Your big brothers were incredibly sweet--both were just glued to your image on the screen, as was I.

I'd like to point out that your hand, your WHOLE HAND, is the size of my pinky nail. 
I never knew a hand could be so sweet.
I've seen sweet little newborn hands, and I even marvel still at Creux's, his sturdy paw placed in mine, but that tiny fingernail-sized one that you've got takes the sweetness cake.

I'm so glad that we had a later-than-normal first ultrasound as we experienced you like we've never experienced your siblings.  There's an enormous difference in growth over that month that we waited and if I should ever find myself in this position again, we'll do it this way again!  It was so very captivating to see you dancing away inside my belly and the whole time I laid there thinking, "I can't feel a thing!"  It's funny to me to think of myself sleeping away and you spinning around in there, in the dark, all by your lonesome.  Party for one.

One other thing--word about you has definitely gotten out with the hometown crowd.  Certainly anyone who reads my blog or comes into my small circle of friends has known but suddenly, my in-box and Facebook account are filled with inquiries and congratulatory messages. 
A common thread to these emails, goes something like this..."..heard a rumor...so happy for you...how are you feeling....ARE YOU CRAZY????"

And I get it.  I really do get it. 
Yes, I am a little bit crazy but that has nothing to do with wanting you.
And I don't think anyone intends this comment to be hurtful in any manner, I think that most people just can't imagine raising five children.

So when I read that, I do smile, and I do play along a bit but at the same time I wonder...
How can they see that I'm not crazy, I'm LUCKY.
I get to experience giving someone a life, bringing someone into the world, more times than most, and I cherish that more than anyone will ever begin to imagine.
We get one go-round here on earth.
I don't have forever left in which to make decisions on my family size so it's sort of now or never.
I will never regret bringing someone here.
But I think I would regret not.

So, I'm going with it, lucky girl that I am.

Loving you already, Dancing Queen (or King),
Mama