You--18 Weeks, 2 Days

My hair is falling out in handfuls.
It's a normal post-partum thing but still.
I don't like it.
In the shower when I wash, afterwards when I comb...it's all over the place.
I find it in my bed, and sometimes just when I run my fingers through my hair.
It's the remainder of our pregnancy together, leaving.

The line that arrived on my belly in what was most likely month six is a mere memory at this point.
But if I really look, I can still see it.

The shower always reminds me of you--of being pregnant with you.
It was my only quiet place, the only spot I really had to reflect and think in complete silence.
I worried over a miscarriage in there.
I cried hormonally charged tears.
I washed away morning sickness.
I rubbed my swollen belly.
I plotted and planned our homebirthing experience in there.
I drew your name on the shower door in the steam from my water.
It's where I sat alone when you wouldn't come and it's also where you decided to do just that.

My body is changing too--less "I JUST had a baby" and more, "I had a baby."
I can see the outline of my former self.
I can feel my waist returning.
It feels good.

I have not dropped all of my baby weight yet but have shed quite a bit of it.
I think my total gain was somewhere around 40 pounds this time (I'm normally at 36, regardless of eating ice cream daily or carrot sticks) and I've lost over half of that so far.
Another ten pounds or so and I will be....me.

I feel great.
Your infancy has not taken near the toll that I was anticipating.
I can honestly say that I was really dreading two things: the return of nursing full-time and being up three to four times a night with a newborn--that hellish sleep deprivation.
And it just so happened that neither of those things were to be issues.
Before you even arrived, I'd stopped dreading nursing and began to really look forward to it.
What I was dreading mostly was just how painful the first few weeks typically are but you weren't assaulting me like both Rhyse and Creux did.
With Creux, I was bloody and bruised and would have to mentally find my own happy place just to survive the first three minutes of his nursing session.
He came out starving, I guess.
But you...it was a piece of cake and I had little discomfort.

Sleeping has been much the same.
You've been giving me at least a five hour chunk since the very beginning.
I thought it would wear off after the first week or so but it never has.
You snuggle right up next to me and many times, I wake to see that dawn has arrived.
I can't remember the last time I saw 4am.
(Except tonight, now that I've just jinxed myself.)

I wanted a Chill Baby more than anything; more than a boy, more than a girl.
And thank you for fulfilling that request.
I don't know how I'd get through these crazy busy days if you were brutalizing me.

At four months you:

--are a pro at flipping from back to front.

--almost fell off the couch practicing your skills

--constantly are sucking your thumb (still sideways) and/or fingers

--are slimy.  All the time.

--are smiley.  All the time.

--have really begun to giggle spontaneously.  You laugh the most for Greer but she puts the most effort in.

--have incredible balance--Daddy holds you up in the air by ONE HAND which I HATE but you balance yourself just fine.

--this is also why you'll be walking in like a month

--you bat your eyes.  I swear it to be true.

--you get very excited when I come into the room.  It's fantastic.  Your face lights up, you flash a huge grin, and your arms and legs go wild.  Your eyes don't leave me, they follow me all around the room.
You're the best stalker in the whole wide world.

--you're talking a lot.  Tonight you talked for ten minutes straight, completing interrupting a conversation that Emily and I were having.  You just butted your way right in, "a-gaaaaa"ing away. 
Made me realize that between me, you, and Greer, the males in this family will be doing a LOT of listening.

--I just brought out teether toys for you

--I've also begun ordering your Christmas gifts.  A clip-on high chair is on your list....hard to believe that very, very soon, you will join us at the dinner table. 

--though you are four months and though you will soon be sitting at the table, you will not be enjoying solid food for many months yet.  No processed cereals for you--it's mama's milk until you can gum some soft fruits and veggies on your own.

--you're getting bored easily.  You're less happy to lay on the floor and play, partly because you always flip over but also partly because you now realize how much you like to be held and played with.  And you can see very well that there are five people in the room at any given time who COULD be available to you if you beckon them desperately enough.

--6-12 month clothing for you already!  Which means that everything I bought you for Christmas (months ago) is not going to fit.  I didn't think you'd, uhhh, round out so well so fast!

You have stolen my heart, wee girl.
I simply can't imagine there being a sweeter baby alive.
I would contest it openly and would bet my life that it's just not possible.
Thank you for being so happy.
It makes me feel like even though this place is just a hotbed of crazy, it's a wonderful kind of crazy.
And thank you for being mine, all mine.

I don't know how I got so unbelievably lucky.

Love you, Luxie Lu.
Mama