23 Weeks, 2 Days

The first thing I should point out here is that I've changed your weekly turn-over date.
Since you're now officially due on July 9th, that puts me at a Friday change.
I'm not going to adjust the previous postings as it really doesn't matter so much but since that's what your medical folder states, that's what I'll now go by as well.
(Though we have no intention of fully making it to that date, do we?  DO WE???)

Oh WOW, you've grown!
Or maybe we've just hit that point where we're both fully fighting for the same space.

I'm waddling.
I fought it as long as I could but there's just no denying it at this point.
You're heavy and my belly is large enough now to totally sway my center of gravity and so...I waddle.
Argh.

And I really need the seasons to change because it's very hard to pull on my boots.
I sit on the ground, take a deep breath, and then beeeeeend over you, groaning the whole time.
I have to sit close to my bed so I can use the posts to hoist myself back up or else I have to flip over onto all fours and then slowly stand up.

I'm slower all the way around--getting up from the table, getting in and out of the car, just getting anywhere takes more time.

But you know what?
I feel good still.
We're closing down our second trimester here and are amazingly staring down the last chunk of incubation time for you and preparation time for me.
Can you believe that?

It will be much, much harder in the coming weeks and months and I'm going to do my best to not complain every single time I write in this journal :)
I will be happy for each day that I do feel great and sleep well and don't have a mood swing so severe that I know has our family and friends seriously questioning where they might be able to get a padded room for me for the night.
That's a joke.
Mostly :)

We had another visit with the midwives on Wednesday and I can't believe I'm only not getting around to updating you!
Because I know I'll spend a good hour just sitting and writing, I don't just pop on and off this blog space like I can and do on my other one.
I really only write to you at night, when the house is completely still and I can give you my full attention--otherwise my thoughts will be interrupted and I hate that. 
It's important to me to be able to really focus on what I'm sharing with you and though I know this book will undergo a massive over-haul before I have it printed, it's still incredibly important that I give you, and the words written to you, my fullest attention.

So let me tell you about you!

You're over a pound now and you completely fill my belly.
I can tell that you've really grown a lot recently because I still remember when your kicks and punches were way down by my bikini line.  Now you kick at the top of my tummy, just under my (rapidly expanding, every growing) breasts.

Real quick--let me tell you about those because GOOD GRIEF they are like the defining twins of this pregnancy!
I'm getting concerned because I'm just a tiny girl really, tall but not....um, bosom-y, and I'm terrified that when your milk finally comes in and my big, big belly starts to go away and I start to slim back down, and I'm left with these huge...things...that I'm going to horrifically resemble a woman named Debbie.
As in, the one who does Dallas.

Okay, that was in poor taste but it's kind of funny.
And scarily true.
(You'll get that joke when you're much older and you might even come high five me.  You will if you're a boy.  If you're a girl, you'll probably roll your eyes.  It's okay.  I roll mine at my mom all the time, too.  I even sometimes still stick my tongue out at her when she's not looking.  It happens, is all I'm saying.)

Anyway, so we visited with Abby and Jill and I have to tell you that no matter what ends up happening during your delivery, whether or not I'm fully able to deliver at home or if, for whatever reason, we end up needing to go to the hospital, I'm so very glad we chose this route with you.

We love our midwives.
I love the way they treat me and you and Daddy...and how very kind and open and engaging they are with your siblings.
They have baby-sized pillows that depict your exact stage of development and they laid the six-month one of you upside down on my tummy so that the Littles could see what you looked like inside me.
When we listened to your heartbeat, we were able to listen to Creux's as well.
He liked that.
A lot.
He'd love a Doppler in his Easter basket :)
And it was just nice of them to be so indulgent with him.

They encourage us to bring our kids along to the appointments so that when they show up at our home, everyone is comfortable with their presence and I really appreciate that.  The Littles and Rhyse have been twice now but that was Chas's first meeting with them.

Our appointments, really, are gab sessions.
We cover everything, certainly things relating to the pregnancy but also, just stuff.
They ask how I'm feeling, how I'm eating, how my moods are, what questions or concerns I have.  We talk for an hour straight and the time absolutely flies.  It no longer feels like we're trying to figure each other out; we're at the point of really just establishing a friendship of sorts.
Do I trust them?
Yes.
And I know that my answer to that question will end up being terrifically important in the coming months because I will be relying on them to get us both through your birth safely.

If I'm honest, I do have concerns but not about your safety.
I'm totally at ease with this decision, to have you at home, in regards to your being in a "safe" place.
I'm actually even at ease with the idea of an accidental too-fast delivery here with just Daddy in charge so THAT tells me I'm really okay with it.
It's not ideal, by any stretch of the imagination, but it doesn't terrify me.

It's more me that I worry about and it's just because, I've said this before, I know that I'm not a great candidate for this type of delivery.
I'm a wuss.
I'm not a tough, Earth Mama, type of girl.
And I like my epidurals, quite frankly.
I'm not sitting here planning this with you today because I'm bound and determined to go natural for reasons other than...well, than my own.

Jill asked us on Wednesday to answer this question individually: "Why do you want to have a home birth?"
Both of our answers were the same and they centered around our desire to keep our family close, to be in our own space, and to be able to parent you immediately in the manner that we feel you deserve from us.  We don't want to deal with rules and regulations regarding your care. 
We don't need help.
We just need each other, all seven of us.

For my part, I don't sleep well in hospitals so I'm not even rested when I get back home because the nurses are coming in every three hours or so.
I've never, not once in all of my newborny moments, used the nursery.
I have never desired to be apart from my fresh babies for one second and have often waited in agony for their returns.

(Back when we had Chas, they took him for HOURS.  Like three.  Same with Rhyse.  Hospital policies seemed to loosen a bit when we had Greer, she spent more time in-room, but Creux was the first baby that was actually bathed in our room and had most of his vital checks and other things done there, too.  Everyone else left for a long, long time and it was always a misery to this new mama, who only craved the one thing she'd been waiting ten months for--her new baby who was busy being handled somewhere else.  I'm done, done, done with those days.)

So you see, I am a woman whose desire to have her way in parenting her newborn outweighs her fear of enduring hours worth of pain.
I know some women who have natural deliveries like it's a piece of cake.
But I don't.
Labor is hard for me and I suspect that some of why I break down in the moment is because I'm exhausted from the month-long constant contractions and the repetitive "Is this it?" scenarios.
Because I know it can go so fast for me, I spend the last month on-guard, through all of that pre-labor dilating that I do.

Truthfully though, I'm just a baby.
Even having gone through labor four times before, my stomach still drops a bit when I imagine realizing "It's time." 
And I know, I KNOW, that I'm going to hit a point in the middle of your labor and I'm going to feel like I made the wrong decision. 
It'll be the point where the pain starts to get the better of me, but when I know there's far more to come, and it'll be when I realize that I've hit the point of no return.

The decision, which is already final barring some complication, will really be final to me and I'll have a good, old-fashioned meltdown right there in front of everyone.
I could surprise myself but I'm guessing this is the way it will go.
However.
I'll have that meltdown and then I'll be okay.
I'll be stronger and I'll get through it and then it will be over.
But I'm not delusional enough to think it's going to be all rainbows and butterflies up in that bedroom of mine.

I do have to remind myself of this though because I'm sort of used to that rainbows and butterflies type of birth.
I'm in agony, I get my epidural, and then I, with hair done and a fresh coat of lip gloss, sit back and enjoy delivering my baby.
I'm talking, laughing, fully engaged and aware.
And I almost hate to think about missing out on some of that because I will be in a different place mentally so I won't be just enjoying the moment this time around.
I'll be in my own private hell, most likely.
So I have to be careful to not be unrealistic, too.
The birth images won't match for me, yours compared to your siblings, and I need to be okay with that.

When Abby was examining me on the couch, she mentioned that I had, "a surprising amount of water rentention" and this led to a discussion and modification of my diet.
She wants me to drink a GALLON of water a day.
That's like, impossible, quite frankly.
I am a woman, not an elephant and I simply do not see how I can consume that much water in a day.
Plus, I would have to wear a diaper because I would be peeing every 25 seconds.
Seriously!
But I have agreed to attempt this colossal challenge and, well, we'll just see.

Daddy totally threw me under the bus when Abby asked if I was having any cravings.
"She likes desserts right now and normally she doesn't," he blurted out, while my gaze narrowed on him.
Watch it, pal, I was thinking.
That sounded dangerously close to a comment for which you'd need to be smacked upside the head.

(In all fairness, Daddy has never, ever, ever said or done anything to make me feel...um, judged about my food consumption during my pregnancies or there-after for that matter.  He's never made me feel bad about food choices, or like I've gained too much, or that I'm not losing weight fast enough after you babies arrive.  Which is good because after going through what a woman must go through physically, mentally and emotionally during a pregnancy, I can't say that his words would be appreciated or that he'd be living long after uttering them.)

So that little outing of his led to the idea that my craving of sweets likely means that I am not getting enough protein in my diet which is highly possible because I don't eat much meat at all.
I do try to eat a bit more when I'm pregnant but honestly, I could easily be a vegetarian except for one little problem and that's PROTEIN! 
What I hate more than eating hunks of meat is attempting to eat hunks of black beans or any beans for that matter. 
Surely there are other ways of consuming protein and I'm currently doing just that--one biggie has been to add a protein powder to my smoothies and though it definitely take it from a smoothie to a shake, I drink it down. 
I need it, you need it, it's the easiest way for me to get it into my diet.

I'm also taking a calcium supplement in addition to my prenatal vitamin because I don't consume much dairy either.
I have issues with dairy and the more I read, the more I want to do away with it completely.
It's partly the reason why I nurse longer than a year--Creux was the first baby we had to not go from breast milk to cow's milk. 
He didn't get milk.
He got me and he got water.
You will have the same refreshments :)

I'll typically have a bit milk if I eat cereal but that's about it for me and the whole dairy thing.
I don't think it does a body good so I don't encourage hefty usage here at home.
Since I complained of having foot cramps (which I did for two days in a row but then they disappeared), Abby said it was likely a calcium deficiency and that we should add the supplement to my diet.
So now we're all proteined and calciumed up!
Hopefully that and the insane amount of water (!!!) is all that I'll need from here on out.

The last thing we talked about concerning you is just the sorry state of me.
I was complaining about everything just happening so much sooner with you than even with Creux (even those things I mentioned tonight--the waddling and groaning boot issues) and she pointed out that I now have a different body than I did than "even with Creux."

This body has now gone through four, not three, pregnancies and each one changes things a bit which makes total sense.
It's not so much that I'm two years older, it's just that my body has gone through the rigors of making another human an extra time in between then.
I guess I hadn't really looked at it like that before, I just contantly compare and lament over how early, how early, but...what do I expect? 
Five pregnancies certainly is going to take a toll and I just need to be kinder to myself.

I'll have to keep this in mind when I'm desperate to get back into my regular girl skinny jeans because I'm impatient as it is.  (Who isn't?)
I need to just respect the enormous task that my body is challenged with and let the rest of it go.
Easier said than done when something organ-like is crammed in between ribs number six and seven for months on end. 
Harumph!

That's all for now, plus you're kicking the pillow that this laptop is resting on so it's very distracting to me.
You did this the other night with the book that I had resting against you while I was reading in bed, knocking it all over the place. 
You'd make a good shelf if you'd just relax in there. 
It's hard to get stuff done when you're constantly kicking things out of the way, you know :)

Loving you already,
Mama